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Into the history of Mr Francis Beveridge, as supplied by the obliging candour of the Baron von Blitzenberg and the notes of Dr Escott, Dr Twiddel and his friend Robert Welsh make a kind of explanatory entry. They most effectually set the ball a-rolling, and so the story starts in a small room looking out on a very uninteresting London street.
It was about three o’clock on a November afternoon, that season of fogs and rains and mud, when towns-people long for fresh air and hillsides, and country-folk think wistfully of the warmth and lights of a city, when nobody is satisfied, and everybody has a cold. Outside the window of the room there were a few feet of earth adorned with a low bush or two, a line of railings, a stone-paved street, and on the other side a long row of uniform yellow brick houses. The apartment itself was a modest chamber, containing a minimum of rented furniture and a flickering gas-stove. By a small caseful of medical treatises and a conspicuous stethoscope, the least experienced could see that it was labelled consulting-room.
Dr Twiddel was enjoying one of those moments of repose that occur even in the youngest practitioner’s existence. For the purposes of this narrative he may briefly be described as an amiable-looking young man, with a little bit of fair moustache and still less chin, no practice to speak of, and a considerable quantity of unpaid bills. A man of such features and in such circumstances invites temptation. At the present moment, though his waistcoat was unbuttoned and his feet rested on the mantelpiece, his mind seemed not quite at ease. He looked back upon a number of fortunate events that had not occurred, and forward to various unpleasant things that might occur, and then he took a letter from his pocket and read it abstractedly.
I can’t afford to refuse,
he reflected, lugubriously;
and yet, hang it! I must say I don’t fancy the job.
When metal is molten it can be poured into any vessel; and at that moment a certain deep receptacle stood on the very doorstep.
The doctor heard the bell, sat up briskly, stuffed the letter back into his pocket, and buttoned his waistcoat.
A patient at last!
and instantly there arose a
vision of a simple operation, a fabulous fee, and twelve
sickly millionaires an hour ever after. The door opened,
and a loud voice hailed him familiarly.
Only Welsh,
he sighed, and the vision went the way
of all the others.
The gentleman who swaggered in and clapped the
doctor on the back, who next threw himself into the
easiest chair and his hat and coat over the table, was in
He talked in a loud voice and with a great air of mastery
over all the contingencies of a life about town. You
felt that here sat one who had seen the world and gave
things their proper proportions, who had learned how
meretricious was orthodoxy, and which bars could really
be recommended. He chaffed, patronised, and cheered
the doctor. Patients had been scarce, had they? Well,
after all, there were many consolations. Did Twiddle
say he was hard up? Welsh himself in an even more
evil case. He narrated various unfortunate transactions
connected with the turf and other pursuits, with regret,
no doubt, and yet with a fine rakish defiance of destiny.
Twiddel’s face cleared, and he began to show something
of the same gallant spirit. He brought out a tall bottle
with a Celtic superscription; Welsh half filled his glass,
poured in some water from a dusty decanter, and proposed
the toast of Luck to the two most deserving sinners in
London!
The doctor was fired, he drew the same letter from his
By Jove, Welsh, I’d almost forgotten
to tell you of a lucky offer that came this morning.
This was not strictly true, for as a matter of fact the doctor had only hesitated to tell of this offer lest he should be shamed to a decision. But Welsh was infectious.
Congratulations, old man!
said his friend. What’s
it all about?
Here’s a letter from an old friend of my
people’s—Dr Watson, by name. He has a very good
country practice, and he offers me this job.
He handed the letter to Welsh, and then added, with a
flutter of caution, I haven’t made up my mind yet.
There are drawbacks, as you’ll see.
Welsh opened the letter and read:—
Dear Twiddel,—I am happy to tell you that I am at last able to put something in your way. A gentleman in this neighbourhood, one of my most esteemed patients, has lately suffered from a severe mental and physical shock, followed by brain fever, and is still, I regret to say, in an extremely unstable mental condition. I have strongly recommended quiet and change of scene, and at my suggestion he is to be sent abroad under the care of a medical attendant. I have now much pleasure in offering you the post, if you would care to accept it. You will find your patient, Mr Mandell-Essington, an extremely agreeable young man when in possession of his proper faculties. He has large means and no near relatives; he comes of one of the best families in the county; and though he has, I surmise, sown his wild oats pretty freely, he was considered of unusual promise previous to this unfortunate illness. He is of an amiable and pleasant disposition, though at present, we fear, inclined to suicidaltendencies. I have no particular reason to think he is at all homicidal; still, you will see that he naturally requires most careful watching. It is possible that you may hesitate to leave your practice (which I trust prospers); but as the responsibility is considerable, the fee will be proportionately generous—£500, and all expenses paid.
(Five hundred quid!exclaimed Welsh.)
I would suggest a trip on the Continent. The duration and the places to be visited will be entirely at your discretion. It is of course hardly necessary to say that you will seek quiet localities. Trusting to hear from you at your very earliest convenience, believe me, yours sincerely,
Timothy Watson.
Welsh looked at his friend with the respect that prosperity
naturally excites. He smiled on him as an equal,
and cried, heartily, Congratulations again! When do
you start?
Twiddel fidgeted uncomfortably, I—er—well, you
see—ah—I haven’t
quite made up my mind yet.
What’s the matter?
Hang it, Welsh—er—the fact is I don’t altogether
like the job.
Scruples of any kind always surprised Welsh.
Can’t afford to leave the practice?
he asked with
a laugh.
That’s—ah—partly the reason,
replied Twiddel,
uncomfortably.
Rot, old man! There’s a girl in the case. Out
with it!
No, it isn’t that. You see it’s the very devil of a
responsibility.
At this confession of weakness he looked guiltily at his heroic friend. From the bottom of his heart he wished he had screwed up his courage in private. Welsh had so little imagination.
By Gad,
exclaimed Welsh, I’d manage a nunnery
for £500!
I daresay you would, but a suicidal, and possibly
homicidal, lunatic isn’t a nunnery.
Welsh looked at his friend with diminished respect.
Then you are going to chuck up £500 and a free trip
on the Continent?
he said.
Dr Watson himself admits the responsibility.
With a—what is it?—agreeable young man?
Only when in possession of his proper faculties,
said the doctor, dismally.
And an amiable disposition?
With suicidal tendencies, hang it!
I should have thought,
said Welsh, with a laugh,
that they would only matter to himself.
But he is homicidal too—or at least it’s doubtful.
I want to know a little more about that, thank you!
What is the man’s name?
Mandell-Essington.
Sounds aristocratic. He might come in useful afterwards,
when he’s cured.
Welsh spoke with an air of reflection, which might have been entirely disinterested.
He’d probably commit suicide first,
said Twiddel,
and of course I’d get all the blame.
Or homicide,
replied Welsh, When
he would.
No, he wouldn’t—that’s the worst of it;
I’d be blamed for having my own throat cut.
Twiddel,
said his friend, deliberately, it seems to
me you’re a fool.
I’m at least alive,
cried Twiddel, warming with
sympathy for himself, which I probably wouldn’t be for
long in Mr Essington’s company.
I don’t blame your nerves, dear boy,
said Welsh,
with a smile that showed all his teeth, only your head.
Here are £500 going a-begging. There must be some
way&qdash;
He paused, deep in reflection. How would
it do,
he remarked in a minute, if
I were to go in your place?
Twiddel laughed and shook his head.
Couldn’t be managed?
Couldn’t possibly, I’m afraid.
No,
said Welsh. I foresee difficulties.
He fished a pipe out of his pocket, filled and lit it, and leaned back in his chair gazing at the ceiling.
Twiddel, my boy,
he said at length, will you give
me a percentage of the fee if I think of a safe dodge for
getting the money and preserving your throat?
Twiddel laughed.
Rather!
he said.
I am perfectly serious,
replied Welsh, keenly. I’m
certain the thing is quite possible.
He half closed his eyes and ruminated in silence. The doctor watched him—fascinated, afraid. Somehow or other he felt that he was already a kind of Guy Fawkes. There was something so unlawful in Welsh’s expression.
They sat there without speaking for about ten minutes, and then all of a sudden Welsh sprang up with a shout of laughter, slapping first his own leg and then the doctor’s back.
By Gad, I’ve got it!
he cried. I have it!
And he had; hence this tale.
In a certain fertile and well-wooded county of England there stands a high stone wall. On a sunny day the eye of the traveller passing through this province is gratified by the sparkle of myriads of broken bottles arranged closely and continuously along its coping-stone. Above these shining facets the boughs of tall trees swing in the wind and throw their shadows across the highway. The wall at last leaves the road and follows the park round its entire extent. Its height never varies; the broken bottles glitter perpetually; and only through two entrances, and that when the gates are open, can one gain a single glimpse inside: for the gates are solid, with no chinks for the curious.
The country all round is undulating, and here and there from the crest of an eminence you can see a great space of well-timbered park land within this wall; and in winter, when the leaves are off the trees, you may spy an imposing red-brick mansion in the midst.
Any native will inform you, with a mixture of infectious awe and becoming pride, that this is no less than the far-famed private asylum of Clankwood.
This ideal institution bore the enviable reputation of
Dr Congleton, the proprietor and physician of Clankwood,
was a gentleman singularly well fitted to act as
host on the occasion of asylum reunions. No one could
exceed him in the respect he showed to a coroneted head,
even when cracked; and a bishop under his charge was
always secured, as far as possible, from the least whisper
of heretical conversation. He possessed besides a pleasant
rubicund countenance and an immaculate wardrobe.
He was further fortunate in having in his assistants,
One November night these two were sitting over a comfortable fire in Sherlaw’s room. Twelve o’clock struck, Escott finished the remains of something in a tumbler, rose, and yawned sleepily.
Time to turn in, young man,
said he.
I suppose it is,
replied Sherlaw, a very pleasant
and boyish young gentleman. Hullo! What’s that?
A cab?
They both listened, and some way off they could just pick out a sound like wheels upon gravel.
It’s very late for any one to be coming in,
said
Escott.
The sound grew clearer and more unmistakably like a cab rattling quickly up the drive.
It is a cab,
said Sherlaw.
They heard it draw up before the front door, and then there came a pause.
Who the deuce can it be?
muttered Escott.
In a few minutes there came a knock at the door, and a servant entered.
A new case, sir. Want’s to
see Dr Congleton particular.
A man or a woman?
Man, sir.
All right,
growled Sherlaw. I’ll come, confound
him.
Bad luck, old man,
laughed Escott. I’ll wait
here in case by any chance you want me.
He fell into his chair again, lit a cigarette, and sleepily turned over the pages of a book. Dr Sherlaw was away for a little time, and when he returned his cheerful face wore a somewhat mystified expression.
Well?
asked Escott.
Rather a rum case,
said his colleague, thoughtfully.
What’s the matter?
Don’t know.
Who was it?
Don’t know that either.
Escott opened his eyes.
What happened, then?
Well,
said Sherlaw, drawing his chair up to the fire
again, I’ll tell you just what did happen,
and you can make what you can out of it. Of course, I suppose
it’s all right, really, but—well, the proceedings were
a little unusual, don’t you know.
I went down to the door, and there I found
a four-wheeler with a man standing beside it. The door of
the cab was shut, and there seemed to be two more men
inside. This chap who’d got out—a youngish man—hailed
me at once as though he’d bought the whole
place.
You Dr Congleton?
Damn your impertinence!
I said to myself, ringing people up at this hour, and
talking like a bally drill-sergeant.
I told him politely I wasn’t
old Congers, but that I’d make a good enough substitute
for the likes of him.
I tell you what it is,
said the
Johnnie, I’ve brought a patient for Dr Congleton, a
cousin of mine, and I’ve got a doctor here, too. I want
to see Dr Congleton.
He’s probably in bed,
I said,
but I’ll do just as well. I suppose he’s certified,
and all that.
Oh, it’s all right,
said the
man, rather as though he expected me to say that it wasn’t.
He looked a little doubtful what to do, and then I heard some one
inside the cab call him. He stuck his head in the window and
they confabbed for a minute, and then he turned to me
and said, with the most magnificent air you ever saw,
like a chap buying a set of diamond studs, My friend here
is a great personal friend of Dr Congleton, and it’s a
damned&qdash; I mean it’s an uncommonly delicate matter.
We must see him.
Well, if you insist, I’ll see
if I can get him,
I said;
but you’d better come in and wait.
So the Johnnie opened the door of the
cab, and there was a great hauling and pushing, my friend pulling
an arm from the outside, and the doctor shoving from within,
and at last they fetched out their patient. He was a
tall man, in a very smart-looking, long, light top-coat,
and a cap with a large peak shoved over his eyes, and he
seemed very unsteady on his pins.
Drunk, by George!
I said to myself
at first.
The doctor—another young-looking
man—hopped out after him, and they each took an arm, lugged
their patient into the waiting-room, and popped him into an armchair.
I asked them if anything was the matter
with him.
Only tired,—just a little
sleepy,
said the cousin.
And do you know, Escott, what I’d stake my best
boots was the matter with him?
What?
The man was drugged!
Escott looked at the fire thoughtfully.
Well,
he said, it’s quite possible; he might have
been too violent to manage.
Why couldn’t they have said so, then?
H’m. Not knowing, can’t say. What happened
next?
Next thing was, I asked the doctor what
name I should give. He answered in a kind of nervous way,
No
name; you needn’t give any name. I know Dr Congleton
personally. Ask him to come, please.
So off I tooled, and
found old Congers just thinking of turning in.
My clients are sometimes unnecessarily
discreet
, he remarked in his pompous way when I told him about
the arrival, and of course he added his usual platitude
about our reputation for discretion.
I went back with him to the waiting-room, and just
stood at the door long enough to see him hail the doctor
chap very cordially and be introduced to the patient’s
cousin, and then I came away. Rather rum, isn’t
it?
You’ve certainly made the best of the yarn,
said
Escott with a laugh.
By George, if you’d been there you’d have thought
it funny too.
Well, good-night, I’m off. We’ll probably hear
to-morrow what it’s all about.
But in the morning there was little more to be learned about the new-comer’s history and antecedents. Dr Congleton spoke of the matter to the two young men, with the pompous cough that signified extreme discretion.
Brought by an old friend of mine,
he said. A
curious story, Escott, but quite intelligible. There seem
to be the best reasons for answering no questions about
him; you understand?
Certainly, sir,
said the two assistants, with the more
assurance as they had no information to give.
I am perfectly satisfied, mind you—perfectly satisfied,
added their chief.
By the way, sir,
Sherlaw ventured to remark, hadn’t
they given him something in the way of a sleeping-draught?
Eh? Indeed? I hardly think so, Sherlaw, I hardly
think so. Case of reaction entirely. Good morning.
Congleton seems satisfied,
remarked Escott.
I’ll tell you what,
said the junior, profoundly.
Old Congers is a very good chap, and all that, but he’s
not what I should call extra sharp.
I should feel uncommon
suspicious.
H’m,
replied Escott. As you say, our worthy
chief is not extra sharp. But that’s not our business,
after all.
By the way,
said Escott, a couple of days later,
how is your mysterious man getting on? I haven’t
seen him myself yet.
Sherlaw laughed.
He’s turning out a regular sportsman, by George!
For the first day he was more or less in the same state in
which he arrived. Then he began to wake up and ask
questions.
What the devil is this place?
he said to me
in the evening. It may sound profane, but he was very
polite, I assure you. I told him, and he sort of raised
his eyebrows, smiled, and thanked me like a Prime
Minister acknowledging an obligation. Since then he
has steadily developed sporting, not to say frisky, tastes.
He went out this morning, and in five minutes had his
arm round one of the prettiest nurses’ waist. And she
didn’t seem to mind much either, by George!
He’ll want a bit of looking after, I take it.
Seems to me he is uncommonly capable of taking
care of himself. The rest of the establishment will want
looking after, though.
From this time forth the mysterious gentleman began to regularly take the air and to be remarked, and having once remarked him, people looked again.
Mr Francis Beveridge, for such it appeared was his
name, was distinguished even for Clankwood. Though
his antecedents were involved in mystery, so much confidence
suicidal,
but his opinion was held of little account.
It was upon a morning about a week after his arrival that Dr Escott, alone in the billiard-room, saw him enter. Escott had by this time made his acquaintance, and, like almost everybody else, had already succumbed to the fascination of his address.
Good morning, doctor,
he said; I wish you to do
me a trifling favour, a mere bending of your eyes.
Escott laughed.
I shall be delighted. What is it?
Mr Beveridge unbuttoned his waistcoat and displayed his shirt-front.
I only want you to be good enough to read the inscription
written here.
The doctor bent down.
he said. Francis Beveridge,
That’s
all I see.
And that’s all I see,
said Mr Beveridge. Now
what can you read here? I am not troubling you?
He held out his handkerchief as he spoke.
Not a bit,
laughed the doctor, but I only see
Francis
Beveridge
here too, I’m afraid.
Everything has got it,
said Mr Beveridge, shaking
his head, it would be hard to say whether humorously
or sadly. Francis Beveridge
on everything. It follows,
I suppose, that I am Francis Beveridge?
What else?
asked Escott, who was much amused.
That’s just it. What else?
said the other. He
smiled a peculiarly charming smile, thanked the doctor
with exaggerated gratitude, and strolled out again.
He is a rum chap,
reflected Escott.
And indeed in the outside world he might safely have
been termed rather rum, but here in this backwater,
so full of the oddest flotsam, his waywardness was rather
less than the average. He had, for instance, a diverting
habit of modifying the time, and even the tune, of the
hymns on Sunday, and he confessed to having kissed
all the nurses and housemaids except three. But both
Escott and Sherlaw declared they had never met a more
congenial spirit. Mr Beveridge’s game of billiards was
quite remarkable even for Clankwood, where the enforced
leisure of many of the noblemen and gentlemen had
made them highly proficient on the spot; he showed every
promise, on his rare opportunities, of being an unusually
entertaining small hour, whisky-and-soda
raconteur; in
fact, he was evidently a man whose previous career,
November became December, and to all appearances he had settled down in his new residence with complete resignation, when that unknowable factor that upsets so many calculations came upon the scene,—the factor, I mean, that wears a petticoat.
Mr Beveridge strolled into Escott’s room one morning to find the doctor inspecting a mixed assortment of white kid gloves.
Do these mean past or future conquests?
he asked
with his smile.
Both,
laughed the doctor. I’m trying to pick out
a clean pair for the dance to-night.
You go a-dancing, then?
Don’t you know it’s our own monthly ball here?
Of course,
said Mr Beveridge, passing his hand
quickly across his brow. I must have heard, but things
pass so quickly through my head nowadays.
He laughed a little conventional laugh, and gazed at the gloves.
You are coming, of course?
said Escott.
If you can lend me a pair of these. Can you spare
one?
Help yourself,
replied the doctor.
Mr Beveridge selected a pair with the care of a man who is particular in such matters, put them in his pocket, thanked the doctor, and went out.
Hope he doesn’t play the fool,
thought Escott.
Invitations to the balls at Clankwood were naturally in great demand throughout the county, for nowhere were noblemen so numerous and divinities so tangible. Carriages and pairs rolled up one after another, the mansion glittered with lights, the strains of the band could be heard loud and stirring or low and faintly all through the house.
Who is that man dancing opposite my daughter?
asked the Countess of Grillyer.
A Mr Beveridge,
replied Dr Congleton.
Mr Beveridge, in fact, the mark of all eyes, was dancing in a set of lancers. The couple opposite to him consisted of a stout elderly gentleman who, doubtless for the best reasons, styled himself the Emperor of the two Americas, and a charming little pink and flaxen partner—the Lady Alicia à Fyre, as everybody who was anybody could have told you. The handsome stranger moved, as might be expected, with his accustomed grace and air of distinction, and, probably to convince his admirers that there was nothing meretricious in his performance, he carried his hands in his pockets the whole time. This certainly caused a little inconvenience to his partner, but to be characteristic in Clankwood one had to step very far out of the beaten track.
For two figures the Emperor snorted disapproval, but at the end of the third, when Mr Beveridge had been skipping round the outskirts of the set, his hands still thrust out of sight, somewhat to the derangement of the customary procedure, he could contain himself no longer.
Hey, young man!
he asked in his most stentorian
voice, as the music ceased, are you afraid of having your
pockets picked?
Alas!
replied Mr Beveridge, it would take two men
to do that.
Huh!
snorted the Emperor, you are so d—d strong,
are you?
I mean,
answered his
vis-à-vis with his polite smile,
that it would take one man to put something in and
another to take it out.
This remark not only turned the laugh entirely on Mr Beveridge’s side, but it introduced the upsetting factor.
The Lady Alicia à Fyre, though of the outer everyday world herself, had, in common with most families of any pretensions to ancient dignity, a creditable sprinkling of uncles and cousins domiciled in Clankwood, and so she frequently attended these dances.
To-night her eye had been caught by a tall, graceful
figure executing a pas seul
in the middle of the room with
its hands in its pockets. The face of this gentleman was
so composed and handsome, and he seemed so oblivious
to the presence of everybody else, that her interest was
immediately excited. During the set of lancers in which
he was her vis-à-vis she
watched him furtively with a
growing feeling of admiration. She had never heard him
The Lady Alicia might be described as a becoming
frock stuffed with sentiment. Through a pair of large
blue eyes she drank in romance, and with the reddest
and most undecided of lips she felt a vague desire to kiss
something. At the end of the dance she managed by
a series of little manœuvres to find herself standing close
to his elbow. She sighed twice, but he still seemed absorbed
in his thoughts. Then with a heroic effort she
summed up her courage, and said in a low and rather
shaky voice, You—you—you are unha—appy.
Mr Beveridge turned and looked down on her with
great interest. Her eyes met his for a moment and
straightway sought the floor. Thus she saw nothing of
a smile that came and went like the shadow of a puff of
smoke. He took his hands out of his pockets, folded his
arms, and, with an air of the deepest dejection, sighed
heavily. She took courage and looked up again, and then,
as he only gazed into space in the most romantically melancholy
fashion and made no answer, she asked again
very timidly, Wh—what is the matter?
Without saying a word Mr Beveridge bent courteously
and offered her his right arm. She took it with the
most delicious trepidation, glancing round hurriedly to see
There are three
ways of making a woman like one. I am slightly out of
practice. Would you be kind enough to suggest a
method of procedure?
Such a beginning was so wholly unexpected that Lady
Alicia could only give a little gasp of consternation.
Her companion, after pausing an instant for a reply,
went on in the same tone, I am aware that I have begun
well. I attracted your attention, I elicited your sympathy,
and I pressed your hand; but for the life of me I can’t
remember what I generally do next.
Poor Lady Alicia, who had come with a bucketful of
sympathy ready to be gulped down by this unfortunate
gentleman, was only able to stammer, I—I really
don’t know, Mr&qdash;
Hamilton,
said Mr Beveridge, unblushingly. At
least that name belongs to me as much as anything can
be said to in a world where my creditors claim my money
and Dr Congleton my person.
You are confined and poor, you mean?
asked Lady
Alicia, beginning to see her way again.
Poor and confined, to put them in their proper order,
for if I had the wherewithal to purchase a balloon I should
certainly cease to be confined.
His admirer found it hard to reply adequately to this,
To return to the delicate
subject from which we strayed, what would you like me to
do,—put my arm round your waist, relate my troubles,
or turn my back on you?
Are—are those the three ways you spoke of—to
make women like you, I mean?
Lady Alicia ventured to
ask, though she was beginning to wish the sofa was
larger.
They are examples of the three classical methods:
cuddling, humbugging, and piquing. Which do you
prefer?
Tell me about your—your troubles,
she answered,
gaining courage a little.
You belong to the sex which makes no mention of
figs and spades,
he rejoined; but I understand you to
mean that you prefer humbugging.
He drew a long face, sighed twice, and looking tenderly
into Lady Alicia’s blue eyes, began in a gentle, reminiscent
voice, My boyhood was troubled and unhappy: no kind
words, no caresses. I was beaten by a cruel stepfather,
ignored and insulted for my physical deformities by a
heartless stepmother.
He stopped to sigh again, and Lady Alicia, with a boldness
that surprised herself, and a perspicacity that would
have surprised her friends, asked, How could they—I
mean, were they
both step?
Several steps,
he replied; in fact, quite a long
journey.
With this explanation Lady Alicia was forced to remain
satisfied; but as he had paused a second time, and seemed
You spoke of physical infirmities; do you
mean&qdash;?
Deformities,
he corrected; up to the age of fourteen
years I could only walk sideways, and my hair parted in
the middle.
He spoke so seriously that these unusual maladies
seemed to her the most touching misfortunes she had
ever heard of. She murmured gently, Yes?
As the years advanced,
Mr Beveridge continued,
and I became more nearly the same weight as my stepfather,
my life grew happier. It was decided to send me
to college, so I was provided with an insufficient cheque,
a complete set of plated forks, and three bath-towels,
and despatched to the University of Oxford. At least
I think that was the name of the corporation which took
my money and endeavoured to restrict my habits, though,
to confess the truth, my memory is not what it used to be.
There I learned wisdom by the practice of folly—the
most amusing and effective method. My tutor used to
tell me I had some originality. I apologised for its presence
in such a respectable institution, and undertook
to pass an examination instead. I believe I succeeded:
I certainly remember giving a dinner to celebrate something.
Thereupon at my own expense the University
inflicted a degree upon me, but I was shortly afterwards
compensated by the death of my uncle and my accession
to his estates. Having enjoyed a university education,
and accordingly possessing a corrected and regulated
sentiment, I was naturally inconsolable at the decease of
He stopped to sigh again, and Lady Alicia asked with
great interest, But your step-parents, you always had
them, hadn’t you?
Never!
he replied, sadly.
Never?
she exclaimed in some bewilderment.
Certainly not often,
he answered, and oftener than
not, never. If you had told me beforehand you wished
to hear my history, I should have pruned my family
tree into a more presentable shape. But if you will
kindly tell me as I go along which of my relatives you
disapprove of, and who you would like to be introduced,
I shall arrange the plot to suit you.
I only wish to hear the true story, Mr Hamilton.
Fortescue,
he corrected. I certainly prefer to be
called by one name at a time, but never by the same
twice running.
He smiled so agreeably as he said this that Lady Alicia, though puzzled and a little hurt, could not refrain from smiling back.
Let me hear the rest,
she said.
It is no truer than the first part, but quite as entertaining.
So, if you like, I shall endeavour to recall the
series of painful episodes that brought me to Clankwood,
he answered, very seriously.
Lady Alicia settled herself comfortably into one corner of the sofa and prepared to feel affected. But at that moment the portly form of Dr Congleton appeared from the direction of the ballroom with a still more portly dowager on his arm.
My mother!
exclaimed Lady Alicia, rising quickly
to her feet.
Indeed?
said Mr Beveridge, who still kept his seat.
She certainly looks handsome enough.
This speech made Lady Alicia blush very becomingly, and the Countess looked at her sharply.
Where have you been, Alicia?
The room was rather warm, mamma, and&qdash;
In short, madam,
interrupted Mr Beveridge, rising
and bowing, your charming daughter wished to study
a lunatic at close quarters. I am mad, and I obligingly
raved. Thus&qdash;
He ran one hand through his hair
so as to make it fall over his eyes, blew out his cheeks,
and uttering a yell, sprang high into the air, and descended
in a sitting posture on the floor.
That, madam, is a very common symptom,
he explained,
with a smile, smoothing down his hair again, as
our friend Dr Congleton will tell you.
Both the doctor and the Countess were too astonished
to make any reply, so he turned again to Lady Alicia,
and offering his arm, said, Let me lead you back to our
fellow-fools.
Is he safe?
whispered the Countess.
I—I believe so,
replied Dr Congleton in some
confusion; but I shall have him watched more carefully.
As they entered the room Mr Beveridge whispered,
Will you meet a poor lunatic again?
And the Lady
Alicia pressed his arm.
On the morning after the dance Dr Congleton summoned Dr Escott to his room.
Escott,
he began, we must keep a little sharper
eye on Mr Beveridge.
Indeed, sir?
said Escott; he seems to me harmless
enough.
Nevertheless, he must be watched. Lady Grillyer
was considerably alarmed by his conduct last night,
and a client who has confided so many of her relatives
to my care must be treated with the greatest regard. I
receive pheasants at Christmas from no fewer than fourteen
families of title, and my reputation for discretion
is too valuable to be risked. When Mr Beveridge is
not under your own eyes you must see that Moggridge
always keeps him in sight.
Accordingly Moggridge, a burly and seasoned attendant on refractory patients, was told off to keep an unobtrusive eye on that accomplished gentleman. His duties appeared light enough, for, as I have said, Mr Beveridge’s eccentricities had hitherto been merely of the most playful nature.
After luncheon on this same day he gave Escott twelve
breaks and a beating at billiards, and then having borrowed
and approved of one of his cigars, he strolled into
the park. If he intended to escape observation, he certainly
showed the most skilful strategy, for he dodged
All at once he heard something move on the far side
of the wall: he paused to make sure, and then he whistled,
An uncommonly happy idea,
he said to himself,
looking at the missive with the air of one versed in these
matters. Then he leisurely proceeded to unfold and read
the note.
To my friend,
he read, if I may call you a friend,
since I have known you only
such a
short time—may I?
This is just to express my sympathy, and although I
cannot express it well, still perhaps you will forgive my
feeble effort!!
At this point, just as he was regarding the double
mark of exclamation with reminiscent entertainment, a
plaintive voice from the other side of the wall cried in a
stage whisper, Have you got it?
Mr Beveridge composed his face, and heaving his shoulders to his ears in the effort, gave vent to a prodigious sigh.
A million thanks, my fairest and kindest of friends,
he answered in the same tone. I read it now: I drink
it in, I&qdash;
He kissed the back of his hand loudly two or three times, sighed again, and continued his reading.
I wish I could help you,
it ran, but I am afraid I
cannot, as the world is
so
censorious, is it not? So you
must accept a friend’s sympathy if it does not seem to
you too bold and forward of her!!! Perhaps we may
meet again, as I sometimes go to Clankwood. Au revoir.—Your sympathetic
well-wisher. A. à. F.
He folded it up and put it in his waistcoat-pocket,
then he exclaimed in an audible aside, his voice shaking
with the most affecting thrill,
And then dropping
again into a stage whisper, he asked, Perhaps we may meet
again! Only perhaps! O
Alicia!Are you still
there, Lady Alicia?
A timorous voice replied, Yes, Mr Fortescue. But I
really
must go now!
Now? So soon?
I have stayed too long already.
’Tis better to have stayed too long than never to wear
stays at all,
replied Mr Beveridge.
There was no response for a moment. Then a low
voice, a little hurt and a good deal puzzled, asked with
evident hesitation, What—what did you say, Mr
Fortescue?
I said that Lady Alicia’s stay cannot be too long,
he answered, softly.
But—but what good can I be?
The good you cannot help being.
There was another moment’s pause, then the voice
whispered, I don’t quite understand you.
My Alicia understands me not!
Mr Beveridge
soliloquised in another audible aside. Aloud, or rather
in a little lower tone, he answered, I am friendless,
poor, and imprisoned. What is the good in your staying?
Ah, Lady Alicia! But why should I detain you? Go,
fair friend! Go and forget poor Francis Beveridge!
There came a soft, surprised answer, Francis Beveridge?
Alas! you have guessed my secret. Yes, that is the
name of the unhappiest of mortals.
As he spoke these melancholy words he threw away the stump of his cigar, took another from his case, and bit off the end.
The voice replied, I shall remember it—among my
friends.
Mr Beveridge struck a match.
H’sh! Whatever is that?
cried the voice in alarm.
A heart breaking,
he replied, lighting his cigar.
Don’t talk like that,
said the voice. It—it
distresses me.
There was a break in the voice.
And, alas! between distress and consolation there
are fifteen perpendicular feet of stone and mortar and
the relics of twelve hundred bottles of Bass,
he replied.
Perhaps,
—the voice hesitated—perhaps we may
see each other some day.
Say to-morrow at four o’clock,
he suggested, pertinently.
If you could manage to be passing up the
drive at that hour.
There was another pause.
Perhaps&qdash;
the voice began.
At that moment he heard the sharp crack of a branch
behind him, and turning instantly he spied the uncompromising
countenance of Moggridge peering round a
tree about twenty paces distant. Lack of presence of
mind and quick decision were not amongst Mr Beveridge’s
failings. He struck a theatrical attitude at once,
and began in a loud voice, gazing up at the tops of the
trees, He comes! A stranger comes! Yes, my fair
friend, we may meet again.
Au
revoir, but only for a
while! Ah, that a breaking heart should be lit for a
moment and then the lamp be put out!
Meanwhile Moggridge was walking towards him.
Ha, Moggridge!
he cried. Good day.
Time you was goin’ in, sir,
said Moggridge, stolidly;
and to himself he muttered, He’s crackeder than I
thought, a-shoutin’ and a-ravin’ to hisself. Just as well
I kept a heye on ’im.
Like most clever people, Mr Beveridge generally followed the line of least resistance. He slipped his arm through his attendant’s, shouted a farewell apparently to some imaginary divinity overhead, and turned towards the house.
This is an unexpected pleasure,
he remarked.
Yes, sir,
replied Moggridge.
Funny thing your turning up. Out for a walk, I
suppose?
For a stroll, sir—that’s to say&qdash;
he stopped.
That on these chilly afternoons the dear good doctor
is afraid of my health?
That’s kind o’ it, sir.
But of course I’m not supposed to notice anything,
eh?
Moggridge looked a trifle uncomfortable and was discreetly
silent. Mr Beveridge smiled at his own perspicacity,
and then began in the most friendly tone,
Well, I feel flattered that so stout a man has been told
off to take care of me. What an arm you’ve got, man.
Pretty fair, sir,
said Moggridge, complacently.
And I am thankful, too,
continued Mr Beveridge,
that you’re a man of some sense. There are a lot of
fools in the world, Moggridge, and I’m somewhat of an
epicure in the matter of heads.
Mine ’as been considered pretty sharp,
Moggridge
admitted, with a gratified relaxation of his wooden countenance.
Have a cigar?
his patient asked, taking out his
case.
Thank you, sir, I don’t mind if I do.
You will find it a capital smoke. I don’t throw them
away on every one.
Moggridge, completely thawed, lit his cigar and slackened his pace, for such frank appreciation of his merits was rare in a critical world.
You can perhaps believe, Moggridge,
said Mr
Beveridge, reflectively, that one doesn’t often have the
chance of talking confidentially to a man of sense in
Clankwood.
No, sir, I should himagine not.
And so one has sometimes to talk to oneself.
This was said so sadly that Moggridge began to feel uncomfortably affected.
Ah, Moggridge, one cannot always keep silence,
even when one least wants to be overheard. Have you
ever been in love, Moggridge?
The burly keeper changed countenance a little at this
embarrassingly direct question, and answered diffidently,
Well, sir, to be sure men is men and woming will be
woming.
The deuce, they will!
replied Mr Beveridge, cordially;
and it’s rather hard to forget ’em, eh?
Hindeed it is, sir.
I remembered this afternoon, but I should like you
as a good chap to forget. You won’t mention my moment
of weakness, Moggridge?
No, sir,
said Moggridge, stoutly. I suppose I
hought to report what I sees, but I won’t this time.
Thank you,
said Mr Beveridge, pressing his arm.
I had, you know, a touch of the sun in India, and I
sometimes talk when I shouldn’t. Though, after all,
that isn’t a very uncommon complaint.
And so it happened that no rumour prejudicial either to his sanity or to the progress of his friendship with the Lady Alicia reached the ears of the authorities.
Towards four o’clock on the following afternoon Mr Beveridge and Moggridge were walking leisurely down the long drive leading from the mansion of Clankwood to the gate that opened on the humdrum outer world. Finding that an inelastic matter of yards was all the tether he could hope for, Mr Beveridge thought it best to take the bull by the horns, and make a companion of this necessity. So he kept his attendant by his side, and regaled him for some time with a series of improbable reminiscences and tolerable cigars, till at last, round a bend of the avenue, a lady on horseback came into view. As she drew a little nearer he stopped with an air of great surprise and pleasure.
I believe, Moggridge, that must be Lady Alicia à
Fyre!
he exclaimed.
It looks huncommon like her, sir,
replied Moggridge.
I must really speak to her. She was
—and Mr
Beveridge assumed his inimitable air of manly sentiment—she
was one of my poor mother’s dearest friends.
Do you mind, Moggridge, falling behind a little? In
fact, if you could step behind a tree and wait here for
me, it would be pleasanter for us both. We used to
meet under happier circumstances, and, don’t you know,
it might distress her to be reminded of my misfortunes.
Such a reasonable request, beseechingly put by so fine
a gentleman, could scarcely be refused. Moggridge retired
I hardly expected to see you to-day, Mr Beveridge,
she began.
I, on the other hand, have been thinking of nothing
else,
he replied.
She blushed still deeper, but responded a little reprovingly,
It’s very polite of you to say so, but&qdash;
Not a bit,
said he. I have a dozen equally well-turned
sentences at my disposal, and, they tell me, a
most deluding way of saying them.
Suddenly out of her depth again, poor Lady Alicia could only strike out at random.
Who tell you?
she managed to say.
First, so far as my poor memory goes, my mother’s
lady’s-maid informed me of the fact; then I think my sister’s
governess,
he replied, ticking off his informants on his
fingers with a half-abstracted air. After that came a
number of more or less reliable individuals, and lastly
the Lady Alicia à Fyre.
Me? I’m sure I never said&qdash;
None of them
ever
he interrupted.said,
But what have I done, then?
she asked, tightening
her reins, and making her horse fidget a foot or two farther
away.
You have begun to be a most adorable friend to a
most unfortunate man.
Still Lady Alicia looked at him a little dubiously, and
only said, I—I hope I’m not too friendly.
There are no degrees in friendly,
he replied. There
are only aloofly, friendly, and more than friendly.
I—I think I ought to be going on, Mr Beveridge.
That experienced diplomatist perceived that it was necessary to further embellish himself.
Are you fond of soldiers?
he asked, abruptly.
I beg your pardon?
she said in considerable bewilderment.
Does a red coat, a medal, and a brass band appeal to
you? Are you apt to be interested in her Majesty’s army?
I generally like soldiers,
she admitted, still much
surprised at the turn the conversation had taken.
Then I was a soldier.
But—really?
I held a commission in one of the crackest cavalry
regiments,
he began dramatically, and yet with a great
air of sincerity. I was considered one of the most
promising officers in the mess. It nearly broke my heart
to leave the service.
He turned away his head. Lady Alicia was visibly affected.
I am so sorry!
she murmured.
Still keeping his face turned away, he held out his hand and she pressed it gently.
Sorrow cannot give me my freedom,
he said.
If there is anything I can do&qdash;
she began.
Dismount,
he said, looking up at her tenderly.
Lady Alicia never quite knew how it happened, but certainly she found herself standing on the ground, and the next moment Mr Beveridge was in her place.
An old soldier,
he exclaimed, gaily; I can’t resist
the temptation of having a canter.
And with that he
started at a gallop towards the gate.
With a blasphemous ejaculation Moggridge sprang from behind his tree, and set off down the drive in hot pursuit.
Lady Alicia screamed, Stop! stop! Francis—I mean,
Mr Beveridge; stop, please!
But the favorite of the crack regiment, despite the lady’s saddle, sat his steed well, and rapidly left cries and footsteps far behind. The lodge was nearly half a mile away, and as the avenue wound between palisades of old trees, the shouts became muffled, and when he looked over his shoulder he saw in the stretch behind him no sign of benefactress or pursuer. By continued exhortations and the point of his penknife he kept his horse at full stretch; round the next bend he knew he should see the gates.
Five to one on the blank things being shut,
he
muttered.
He swept round the curve, and there ahead of him he saw the gates grimly closed, and at the lodge door a dismounted groom, standing beside his horse.
Only remarking Damn!
he reined up, turned,
and trotted quietly back again. Presently he met Moggridge,
red in the face, muddy as to his trousers, and
panting hard.
Nice little nag this, Moggridge,
he remarked, airily.
Nice sweat you’ve give me,
rejoined his attendant,
wrathfully.
You don’t mean to say you ran after me?
I does mean to say,
Moggridge replied grimly,
seizing the reins.
Want to lead him? Very well—it makes us look
quite like the Derby winner coming in.
Derby loser you means, thanks to them gates bein’
shut.
Gates shut? Were they? I didn’t happen to
notice.
No, o’ course not,
said Moggridge, sarcastically;
that there sunstroke you got in India prevented you, I
suppose?
Have a cigar?
To this overture Moggridge made no reply. Mr
Beveridge laughed and continued lightly, I had no
idea you were so fond of exercise. I’d have given you
a lead all round the park if I’d known.
You’d ’ave given me a lead all round the county if
them gates ’ad been open.
It might have been difficult to stop this fiery animal,
Mr Beveridge admitted. But now, Moggridge, the run
is over. I think I can take Lady Alicia’s horse back to
her myself.
Moggridge smiled grimly.
You won’t let go?
No fears.
Mr Beveridge put his hand behind his back and silently
drove the penknife a quarter of an inch into his mount’s
hind quarters. In an instant his keeper felt himself
being lifted nearly off his feet, and in another actually
Well, I am back from my ride,
he remarked in a
perfectly usual voice, dismounting as he spoke.
The man!
she cried, where is that dreadful man?
What man?
he asked in some surprise.
The man who chased you.
Mr Beveridge laughed aloud, at which Lady Alicia took fresh refuge in her handkerchief.
He follows on foot,
he replied.
Did he catch you? Oh, why didn’t you escape
altogether?
she sobbed.
Mr Beveridge looked at her with growing interest.
I had begun to forget my petticoat psychology,
he
reflected (aloud, after his unconventional fashion).
Oh, here he comes,
she shuddered. All blood!
Oh, what have you done to him?
On my honour, nothing,—I merely haven’t washed
his face.
By this time Moggridge was coming close upon them.
You won’t forget a poor soldier?
said Mr Beveridge
in a lower voice.
There was no reply.
A
he
added, with a sigh, glancing at
her from the corner of his eye. poor soldier,So poor that even if
I had got out, I could only have ridden till I dropped.
Would you accept&qdash;?
she began, timidly.
What day?
he interrupted, hurriedly.
Tuesday,
she hesitated.
Four o’clock, again. Same place as before. When
I whistle throw it over at once.
Before they had time to say more, Moggridge, blood- and gravel-stained, came up.
It’s all right, miss,
he said, coming between them;
I’ll see that he plays no more of ’is tricks.
There’s nothin’ to be afrightened of.
Stand back!
she cried; don’t come near me!
Moggridge was too staggered at this outburst to say a word.
Stand away!
she said, and the bewildered attendant
stood away. She turned to Mr Beveridge.
Now, will you help me up?
She mounted lightly, said a brief farewell, and, forgetting all about the call at Clankwood she had ostensibly come to pay, turned her horse’s head towards the lodge.
Well, I’m blowed!
said Moggridge.
They do blow one,
his patient assented.
Naturally enough the story of this equestrian adventure
soon ran through Clankwood. The exact particulars,
however, were a little hard to collect, for while Moggridge
supplied many minute and picturesque details,
illustrating his own activity and presence of mind and
the imminent peril of the Lady Alicia, Mr Beveridge recounted
an equally vivid story of a runaway horse recovered
by himself to its fair owner’s unbounded gratitude.
Official opinion naturally accepted the official
I can’t make the man out,
said Sherlaw to Escott.
I had begun to think there was nothing much the matter
with him.
No more there is,
replied Escott. His memory
seems to me to have suffered from something, and he
simply supplies its place in conversation from his imagination,
and in action from the inspiration of the moment.
The methods of society are too orthodox for such an
aberration, and as his friends doubtless pay a handsome
fee to keep him here, old Congers labels him mad and
locks the door on him.
A day or two afterwards official opinion was a little disturbed. Lady Alicia, in reply to anxious inquiries, gave a third version of the adventure, from which nothing in particular could be gathered except that nothing in particular had happened.
What do you make of this, Escott?
asked Dr Congleton,
laying her note before his assistant.
Merely that a woman wrote it.
Hum! I suppose that
is the
explanation.
Upon which the doctor looked profound and went to lunch.
Two five-pound notes, half-a-sovereign, and seven
and sixpence in silver,
said Mr Beveridge to himself.
Ah, and a card.
On the card was written, From a friend, if you will
accept it. A.
He was standing under the wall, in the secluded walk, holding a little lady’s purse in his hand, and listening to two different footsteps. One little pair of feet were hurrying away on the farther side of the high wall, another and larger were approaching him at a run.
Wot’s he bin up to now, I wonder,
Moggridge
panted to himself—for the second pair of feet belonged
to him. Shamming nose-bleed and sending me in
for an ’andkerchief, and then sneaking off here by
’isself!
What a time you’ve been,
said Mr Beveridge, slipping
the purse with its contents into his pocket. I was
so infernally cold I had to take a little walk. Got the
handkerchief?
In silence and with a suspicious solemnity Moggridge handed him the handkerchief, and they turned back for the house.
Now for a balloon,
Mr Beveridge reflected.
Certainly it was cold. The frost nipped sharp that night, and next morning there were ice gardens on the windows, and the park lay white all through the winter sunshine.
By evening the private lake was reported to be bearing,
and the next day it hummed under the first skaters.
Hardly necessary to say Mr Beveridge was among the
earliest of them, or that he was at once the object of
general admiration and envy. He traced vines
and
Q’s,
and performed wonderful feats on one leg all
When he reached the lake in the afternoon the first person he spied was Lady Alicia, and five minutes afterwards they were sailing off together hand in hand.
I knew you would come to-day,
he remarked.
How
could you have
known? It was by the merest chance I happened to come.
It has always been by the merest chance that any
of them have ever come.
Who have ever come?
she inquired, with a vague
feeling that he had said something he ought not to have,
and that she was doing the same.
Many things,
he smiled, including purses. Which
reminds me that I am eternally your debtor.
She blushed and said, I hope you didn’t mind.
Not much,
he answered, candidly. In my present
circumstances a five-pound note is more acceptable than
a caress.
The Lady Alicia again remembered the maidenly proprieties, and tried to change the subject.
What beautiful ice!
she said.
The question now is,
he continued, paying no heed
to this diversion, what am I to do next?
What do you mean?
she asked a little faintly,
realising dimly that she was being regarded as a fellow-conspirator
in some unlawful project.
The wall is high, there is bottle-glass on the top, and
I shall find it hard to bring away a fresh pair of trousers,
and probably draughty if I don’t. The gates are always
We?
she gasped.
You and I,
he explained.
But—but I can’t
possibly do anything.
Can’t possibly
is a phrase I have learned
to misunderstand.
Really, Mr Beveridge, I mustn’t do anything.
Mustn’t is an invariable preface to a sin. Never
use it; it’s a temptation in itself.
It wouldn’t be right,
she said, with quite a show of
firmness.
He looked at her a little curiously. For a moment he
almost seemed puzzled. Then he pressed her hand and
asked tenderly, Why not?
And in a half-audible aside he added, That’s the
correct move, I think.
What did you say?
she asked.
I said,
he answered, with increasing
tenderness.Why not?
But you said something else.
I added a brief prayer for pity.
Lady Alicia sighed and repeated a little less firmly.
It wouldn’t be right of me, Mr Beveridge.
But what would be wrong?
This was said with even more fervour.
My conscience—we are very particular, you know.
Who are
we
?
Papa is
very strict
High Church.
An idea seemed to strike Mr Beveridge, for he ruminated in silence.
I asked Mr Candles—our curate, you know,
Lady
Alicia continued, with a heroic effort to make her position
clear.
You told him!
he exclaimed.
Oh, I didn’t say who it was—I mean what it was I
thought of doing—I mean the temptation—that is, the
possibility. And he said it was very kind of me to think
of it; but I mustn’t do anything, and he advised me to
read a book he gave me, and—and I mustn’t think of
it, really, Mr Beveridge.
To himself Mr Beveridge repeated under his breath,
Archbishops, bishops, deacons, curates, fast in Lent,
and an anthem after the Creed. I think I remember
enough to pass.
Then he assumed a very serious face, and said aloud,
Your scruples do your heart credit. They have given
me an insight into your deep and sweet character, which
emboldens me to make a confession.
He stopped skating, folded his arms, and continued
unblushingly, I was educated for the Church, but
the prejudices of my parents, the immature scepticism
of youth, and some uncertainty about obtaining my
archbishopric, induced me in an unfortunate moment,
which I never ceased to bitterly regret, to quit my
orders.
You are in orders?
she exclaimed.
I was in several. I cancelled them, and entered the
Navy instead.
The Navy?
she asked, excusably bewildered by
these rapid changes of occupation.
For five years I was never ashore.
But,
she hesitated—but you said you were in the
Army.
Mr Beveridge gave her a look full of benignant compassion that made her, she did not quite know why, feel terribly abashed.
My regiment was quartered at sea,
he condescended
to explain. But in time my conscience awoke. I
announced my intention of resuming my charge. My
uncle was furious. My enemies were many. I was
seized, thrown into this prison-house, and now my only
friend fails me.
They were both silent. She ventured once to glance up at his face, and it seemed to her that his eyes were moist—though perhaps it was that her own were a little dim.
Let us skate on,
he said abruptly, with a fine air of
resignation.
By the way,
he suddenly added, I was extremely
High Church, in fact almost freezingly high.
For five minutes they skated in silence, then Lady
Alicia began softly, Supposing you—you went away&qdash;
What is the use of talking of it?
he exclaimed, melodramatically.
Let me forget my short-lived hopes!
You
she said, slowly.have a
friend,
A friend who tantalises me by
supposings
!
But supposing you did, Mr Beveridge, would you
go back to your—did you say you had a parish?
I had: a large, populous, and happy parish. It is
my one dream to sit once more on its council and direct
my curate.
Of course that makes a difference. Mr Candles
didn’t know all this.
They had come by this time to the corner of a little
island that lay not far from the shore; in the channel
ahead a board labelled Danger
marked a hidden
spring; behind them the shining ice was almost bare of
skaters, for all but Dr Escott seemed to be leaving; on
the bank they could see Moggridge prowling about in
the gathering dusk, a vigilant reminder of captivity.
Mr Beveridge took the whole scene in with, it is to be
feared, a militant rather than an episcopal eye. Then
he suddenly asked, Are you alone?
Yes.
You drive back?
Ye
He took out his watch and made a brief calculation.
Go now, call at Clankwood or do anything else you
like, and pass down the drive again at a quarter to five.
This sudden pinning of her irresolution almost took Lady Alicia’s breath away.
But I never said&qdash;
she began.
My dear friend,
he interrupted, in the hour of
action only a fool ever says. Come on.
And while she still hesitated they were off again.
But&qdash;
she tried to expostulate.
My dearest friend,
he whispered, and my dear
old vicarage!
He gave her no time to protest. Her skates were off, she was on her way to her carriage, and he was striking out again for the middle of the lake before she had time to collect her wits.
He took out his watch and looked at the time. It was nearly a quarter-past four. Then he came up to Escott, who by this time was the only other soul on the ice.
About time we were going in,
said Escott.
Give me half-an-hour more. I’ll show you how to
do that vine you admired.
All right,
assented the doctor.
A minute or two later Mr Beveridge, as if struck by
a sudden reflection, exclaimed, By Jove, there’s that
poor devil Moggridge freezing to death on shore. Can’t
you manage to look after so dangerous a lunatic yourself?
It is his tea-time, too.
Hallo, so he is,
replied Escott; I’ll
send him up.
And so there were only left the two men on the ice.
For a little the lesson went on, and presently, leaving the doctor to practise, Mr Beveridge skated away by himself. He first paused opposite a seat on the bank over which hung Dr Escott’s great fur coat. This spectacle appeared to afford him peculiar pleasure. Then he looked at his watch. It was half-past four. He shut the watch with a click, threw a glance at his pupil, and struck out for the island. If the doctor had been looking, he might have seen him round it in the gloaming.
Dr Escott, leaning far on his outside edge, met him as he returned.
What’s that under your coat?
he asked.
A picture I intend to ask your opinion on presently,
replied Mr Beveridge; and he added, with his most
charming air, But now, before we go in, let me give
you a ride on one of these chairs, doctor.
They started off, the pace growing faster and faster, and presently Dr Escott saw that they were going behind the island.
Look out for the spring!
he cried.
It must be bearing now,
replied Mr Beveridge,
striking out harder than ever; they have taken away
the board.
All right,
said the doctor, on you go.
As he spoke he felt a violent push, and the chair, slewing
round as it went, flew on its course unguided. Mr
Beveridge’s skates rasped on the ice with a spray of
white powder as he stopped himself suddenly. Ahead
of him there was a rending crack, and Dr Escott and his
chair disappeared. Mr Beveridge laughed cheerfully,
and taking from under his coat a board with the legend
Danger
printed in large characters across its face,
he placed it beside the jagged hole.
Here is the picture, doctor,
he said, as a dripping,
gasping head came up for the second time. I must
ask a thousand pardons for this—shall I say, liberty?
But, as you know, I’m off my head. Good night. Let
me recommend a hot drink when you come out. There
are only five feet of water, so you won’t drown.
And
with that he skated rapidly away.
Escott had a glimpse of him vanishing round the corner
Thank the Lord, he can’t get out of the grounds,
he said to himself; what a dangerous devil he is! But
he’ll be sorry for this performance, or I’m mistaken.
When he arrived at the house his first inquiries were for his tutor in the art of vine-cutting, and he was rather surprised to hear that he had not yet returned, for he only imagined himself the victim of a peculiarly ill-timed practical joke.
Men with lanterns were sent out to search the park; and still there was no sign of Mr Beveridge. Inquiries were made at the lodge, but the gatekeeper could swear that only a single carriage had passed through. Dr Congleton refused at first to believe that he could possibly have got out.
Our arrangements are perfect,—the thing’s absurd,
he said, peremptorily.
That there man, sir,
replied Moggridge, who had
is the slipperiest customer as ever I
seed. ’E’s hout, sir, I believe.
We might at least try the stations,
suggested Escott,
who had by this time changed, and indulged in the hot
drink recommended.
The doctor began to be a little shaken.
Well, well,
said he, I’ll send a man to each of the
three stations within walking distance; and whether he’s
out or in, we’ll have him by to-morrow morning. I’ve
always taken care that he had no money in his pockets.
But what is a doctor’s care against a woman’s heart? For many to-morrows Clankwood had to lament the loss of the gifted Francis Beveridge.
At sixteen minutes to five Mr Beveridge stood by the side of the Clankwood Avenue, comfortably wrapped in Dr Escort’s fur coat, and smoking with the greatest relish one of Dr Escott’s undeniable cigars.
It was almost dark, the air bit keen, the dim park with its population of black trees was filled with a frosty, eager stillness. All round the invisible wall hemmed him in, the ten pounds, seventeen shillings, and sixpence lay useless in his pocket till that was past, and his one hope depended on a woman. But Mr Beveridge was an amateur in the sex, and he smiled complacently as he smoked.
He had waited barely three minutes when the quick
Do you mind smoking?
In her confusion of mind Lady Alicia could only reply
Oh no,
and not till some time afterwards did she remember
that the odour of a cigar was clinging and the
Countess’s nose unusually sensitive.
After this first remark he leaned back in silence, gradually filling the carriage with a blue-grey cloud, and looking out of the windows first on one side and then on the other. They passed quickly through the lines of trees and the open spaces of frosty park-land, they drew up at the lodge for a moment, he heard his prison gates swing open, the harness jingled and the hoofs began to clatter again, a swift vision of lighted windows and a man looking on them incuriously swept by, and then they were rolling over a country road between hedgerows and under the free stars.
It was the Lady Alicia who spoke first.
I never thought you would really come,
she said.
I have been waiting for that remark,
he replied,
with his most irresistible smile; now for some more
practical conversation.
As he did not immediately begin this conversation himself,
her curiosity overcame her, and she asked, How
did you manage to get out?
As my friend Dr Escott offered no opposition, I
walked away.
Did he really let you?
He never even expostulated.
Then—then it’s all right?
she said, with
an inexplicable sensation of disappointment.
Perfectly—so far.
But—didn’t they object?
Not yet,
he replied; objections to my movements
are generally made after they have been performed.
Somehow she felt immensely relieved at this hint of opposition.
I’m so glad you got away,
she whispered, and then
repented in a flutter.
Not more so than I am,
he answered, pressing her
hand.
And now,
he added, I should like to know how
near Ashditch Junction you propose to take me.
Where are you going to, Mr Beveridge?
The Mr Beveridge
was thrown in as a corrective
to the hand-pressure.
To London; where else, my Alicia? With £10,
But,
she asked, considerably disconcerted, I
thought you were going back to your parish.
For a moment he too seemed a trifle put about. Then
he replied readily, So I am, as soon as I have purchased
the necessary outfit, restocked my ecclesiastical library,
and called on my bishop.
She felt greatly relieved at this justification of her share in the adventure.
Drop me at the nearest point to the station,
he
said.
I am afraid,
she began—I mean I think you had
better get out soon. The first road on the right will
take you straight there, and we had better not pass it.
Then I must bid you farewell,
and he sighed most
effectively. Farewell, my benefactress, my dear Alicia!
Shall I ever see you, shall I ever hear of you again?
I might—I might just write once; if you will answer
it: I mean if you would care to hear from such a&qdash;
She found it difficult to finish, and prudently stopped.
Thanks,
he replied cheerfully; do,—I shall live in
hopes. I’d better stop the carriage now.
He let down the window, when she said hastily, But
I don’t know your address.
He reflected for an instant. Care of the Archbishop
of York will always find me,
he replied; and as if unwilling
to let his emotion be observed, he immediately
Good-bye,
he whispered, tenderly, squeezing her
fingers with one hand and opening the door with the
other.
Don’t quite forget me,
she whispered back.
Never!
he replied, and was in the act of getting
out when he suddenly turned, and exclaimed, I must
be more out of practice than I thought; I had almost
forgotten the protested salute.
And without further preamble the Lady Alicia found herself kissed at last.
He jumped out and shut the door, and the carriage with its faint halo clattered into the darkness.
They are wonderfully alike,
he reflected.
About twenty minutes later he walked leisurely into Ashditch Junction, and having singled out the station-master, he accosted him with an air of beneficient consideration and inquired how soon he could catch a train for London.
It appeared that the up express was not due for nearly three-quarters of an hour.
A little too long to wait,
he said to himself, as he
turned up the collar of his purloined fur coat to keep
out the cold, and picked another cigar from its rightful
owner’s case.
By way of further defying the temperature and cementing
his acquaintance with the station-master, he offered
to regale that gratified official with such refreshments as
the station bar provided. In the consumption of whiskies-and-sodas
Hardly had he left the door of the refreshment-room when he perceived an uncomfortably familiar figure just arrived, breathless with running, on the opposite platform. The light of a lamp fell on his shining face: it was Moggridge!
A stout heart might be forgiven for sinking at the sight,
but Mr Beveridge merely turned to his now firm friends
and said with his easiest air, On the opposite platform I
perceive one of my runaway lunatics. Bring a couple
of stout porters as quickly as you can, for he is a person
of much strength and address. My name,
he drew a
card-case from the pocket of his fur coat, is, as you see,
Dr Escott of Clankwood.
Meanwhile Moggridge, after hurriedly investigating the platform he was on, suddenly spied a tall fur-coated figure on the opposite side. Without a moment’s hesitation he sprang on to the rails, and had just mounted the other side as the station-master and two porters appeared.
Seeing his allies by his side Mr Beveridge never said a
word, but, throwing off his hat, he lowered his head,
charged his keeper, and picking him up by the knees
Two minutes later Moggridge was sitting bound hand and foot in the booking office, addressing an amused audience in a strain of perhaps excusable exasperation, which however merely served to impress the Ashditch officials with a growing sense of their address in capturing so dangerous a lunatic. In the middle of this entertaining scene the London express steamed in, and Mr Beveridge, courteously thanking the station-master for his assistance, stepped into a first-class carriage.
I should be much obliged,
he said, leaning on the
door of his compartment and blowing the smoke of Dr
Escott’s last Havannah lightly from his lips, if you
would be kind enough to keep that poor fellow in the
station till to-morrow. It is rather too late to send him
back now. Good night, and many thanks.
He pressed a coin into the station-master’s hand,
which that
Unencumbered by luggage or plans, Mr Francis Beveridge stuck his hands deep in his pockets and strolled aimlessly enough out of the station into the tideway of the Euston Road. For a little he stood stock-still on the pavement watching the throng of people and the perpetual buses and drays and the jingling hansoms picking their way through it all.
For a man of brains,
he moralised, even though
he be certified as insane, for probably the best of reasons,
this London has surely fools enough to provide him with
all he needs and more than he deserves. I shall set out
And so he strolled along again to the first opening southwards. That led him through a region of dingy enough brick by day, but decked now with its string of lamps and bright shop-windows here and there, and kept alive by passing buses and cabs going and coming from the station. Farther on the street grew gloomier, and a dark square with a grove of trees in the middle opened off one side; but, rattle or quiet, flaring shops or sad-looking lodgings, he found it all too fresh and amusing to hurry.
Back to my parish again,
he said to himself, smiling
broadly at the drollery of the idea. If I’m caught
to-morrow, I’ll at least have one merry night in my
wicked, humorous old charge.
He reached Holborn and turned west in the happiest
and most enviable of moods; the very policemen seemed
to cast a friendly eye on him; the frosty air, he thought,
made the lights burn brighter and the crowd move more
briskly than ever he had seen them. Suddenly the sight
of a hairdresser’s saloon brought an inspiration. He
stroked his beard, twisted his moustaches half regretfully,
and then exclaiming, Exit Mr Beveridge,
turned
into the shop.
The Baron Rudolf von Blitzenberg sat by himself
at a table in the dining-room of the Hôtel
Mayonaise, which, as everybody knows, is the
largest and most expensive in London. He
was a young man of a florid and burly Teutonic type
and the most ingenuous countenance. Being possessed
of a curious and enterprising disposition, as well as
the most ample means, he had left his ancestral castle in
Bavaria to study for a few months the customs and
politics of England. In the language he was already
proficient, and he had promised himself an amusing as
well as an instructive visit. But, although he had only
arrived in London that morning, he was already beginning
to feel an uncomfortable apprehension lest in both respects
he should be disappointed. Though his introductions
were the best with which the British Ambassador
could supply him, they were only three or four in
number,—for, not wishing to be hampered with too many
acquaintances, he had rather chosen quality than quantity:
and now, in the course of the afternoon, he had
found to his chagrin that in every case the families were
out of town. In fact, so far as he could learn, they were
The disappointment was sharp, he felt utterly at sea as to what he should do, and he was already beginning to experience the loneliness of a single mortal in a crowded hotel.
As the frosty evening was setting in and the shops were being lit, he had strolled out into the streets in the vague hope of meeting some strange foreign adventure, or perhaps even happily lighting upon some half-forgotten diplomatic acquaintance. But he found the pavements crowded with a throng who took no notice of him at all, but seemed every man and most women of them to be pushing steadily, and generally silently, towards a million mysterious goals. Not that he could tell they were silent except by their set lips, for the noise of wheels and horses on so many hundreds of miles of streets, and the cries of busmen and vendors of evening papers, made such a hubbub that he felt before long in a maze. He lost his way four times, and was patronisingly set right by beneficent policemen; and at last, feeling like a man who has fallen off a precipice on to a soft place—none the worse but quite bewildered—he struggled back to his hotel. There he spun out his time by watching the people come and go, and at last dressed with extra deliberation.
About eight o’clock he sat down to his solitary dinner.
The great gilt and panelled room was full of diners and
bustling waiters, but there was not a face the Baron had
ever seen before. He was just finishing a plate of whitebait
hors
d’œuvres, the entire collection
of which, in fact, he consumed in a wonderfully
short space of time. The Baron, being himself no trifler
with his victuals, regarded this feat with sympathetic
approval, and began to feel a little less alone in the world.
His naturally open disposition was warmed besides,
owing to a slight misconception he had fallen into, perfectly
excusable however in a foreigner. He thought he
had read somewhere that port was the usual accompaniment
to the first courses of an English dinner, and as
his waiter had been somewhat dilatory in bringing him
the more substantial items of the repast, he had already
drunk three claret-glasses of this cheering wine. The
chill recollections of his sixteen quarterings and the
exclusiveness he had determined to maintain as becoming
to his rank were already melting, and he met the stranger’s
His vis-à-vis caught
the glance, smiled back, and immediately
asked, with the most charming politeness,
Do you care, sir, to split a bottle of champagne?
To—er—
said the Baron,
with a disappointed consciousness of having been put at a loss
in his English by the very first man who had spoken to him.shplid?
I beg your pardon,—I am afraid I was unintelligibly
idiomatic. To divide, I should say, you consuming
one-half, I the other. Am I clear, sir?
For a moment the Baron was a little taken aback, and
then recollecting that the dining habits of the English
were still new to him, he concluded that the suggestion
was probably a customary act of courtesy. He had
already come to the conclusion that the gentleman must
be a person of rank, and he replied affably, Yah—zat
is, vid pleasure. Zanks, very.
The pleasure is mine,
said the stranger—and half
the bottle,
he added, smiling.
The Baron, whose perception of humour had been abnormally increased by this time, laughed hilariously at the infection of his new acquaintance’s smile.
Goot, goot!
he cried. Ach, yah, zo.
Am I right, sir, in supposing that, despite the perfection
of your English accent, I cannot be fortunate
enough to claim you as a countryman?
asked the
stranger.
The Baron’s resolutions of reticence had vanished
altogether before such unexpected and (he could not
You have ze right. I am Deutsch. I have gom to
England zis day for to lairn and to amuse myself. But
mein, vat you call?—introdogtions zey are not inside,
zat is zey are from off. Not von, all, every single gone
to ze gontry or to abroad. I am alone, I eat my dinner
in zolitude, I am pleased to meet you, sare.
A cork popped and the champagne frothed into the
stranger’s glass. Raising it to his lips, he
said, Prosit!
Prosit!
responded the Baron, enthusiastically. You
know ze Deutsch, sare?
I am safer in English, I confess.
Ach, das ist goot, I vant for to practeese. Ve vill
talk English.
With all my heart,
said the stranger. I, too, am
alone, and I hold myself more than fortunate in making
your acquaintance. It’s a devilish dull world when one
can’t share a bottle—or a brace of them, for the matter
of that.
You know London?
asked the Baron.
I used to, and I daresay my memory will revive.
I know it not, pairhaps you can inform. I haf gom,
as I say, to-day.
With pleasure,
said the stranger, readily. In fact,
if you are ever disengaged I may possibly be able to act as
showman.
Showman!
roared the Baron, thinking he had discovered
a jest. Ha, ha, ha! Goot, zehr goot!
The other looked a trifle astonished for an instant,
I can put away my lantern,
he said to himself,—I
have found him.
May I have the boldness to ask your name, sir?
he
asked aloud.
Ze Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg,
that nobleman
replied. Yours, sare—may I dare?
Francis Bunker, at your service, Baron.
You are noble?
queried the Baron a little anxiously,
for his prejudices on this point were strong.
According to your standard I believe I may say so.
That’s to say, my family have borne arms for two hundred
odd generations; twenty-five per cent of them have died
of good living; and the most malicious have never accused
us of brains. I myself may not be very typical,
but I assure you it isn’t my ancestors’ fault.
The latter part of this explanation entirely puzzled the Baron. The first statement, though eminently satisfactory, was also a little bewildering.
Two hondred generations?
he asked, courteously.
Zat is a vary old family. All bore arms you say, Mistair
Bonker?
All,
replied Mr Bunker, gravely. The first few
bore tails as well.
Ha, ha, ha!
laughed the Baron. You are a fonny
man I pairceive, vat you call clown, yes?
What my friends call clown, and I call wit,
Mr
Bunker corrected.
Vit! Ha, ha, ha!
roared the Baron, whose mind
My dear Bonker,
said the Baron at last—he had
become quite familiar by this time—vat make you in
London? I fear you are bird of passage. Do you stay
long?
Mr Bunker cracked a nut, looking very serious; then he leant on one elbow, glanced up at the ceiling pensively, and sighed.
I hope I do not ask vat I should not,
the Baron
interposed, courteously.
My dear Baron, ask what you like,
replied Mr
Bunker. In a city full of strangers, or of friends who
The Baron gulped down half a glass of port and leaned forward sympathetically.
My father,
Mr Bunker continued with an air of
half-sad reminiscence, is one of the largest landowners
and the head of one of the most ancient families in the
north of England. I was his eldest son and heir. I am
still, I have every reason to believe, his eldest son, but
my heirship, I regret to say, is more doubtful. I spent
a prodigal youth and a larger sum of money than my
poor father approved of. He was a strict though a kind
parent, and for the good of my health and the replenishment
of the family coffers, which had been sadly drained
by my extravagance, he sent me abroad. There I have
led a roving life for the last six years, and at last, my wild
oats sown, reaped, and gathered in (and a well-filled stackyard
they made, I can assure you), I decided to return to
England and become an ornament to respectable society.
Like you, I arrived in London to-day, but only to find
to my disgust that my family have gone to winter in
Egypt. So you see that at present I am like a shipwrecked
sailor clinging to a rock and waiting, with what
patience I can muster, for a boat to take me off.
You mean,
inquired the Baron, anxiously, that
you vish to go to Egypt at vonce?
I had thought of it; though there is a difficulty in the
way, I admit.
You vill not stay zen here?
My dear Baron, why should I? I have neither
friends nor&qdash;
He stopped abruptly.
I do not like to zink I shall lose your company so
soon.
I admit,
allowed Mr Bunker, that this fortunate
meeting tempts me to stay.
Vy not?
said the Baron, cordially. Can your
fader not vait to see you?
I hardly think he will worry about me, I confess.
Zen stay, my goot Bonker!
Unfortunately there is the same difficulty as stands
in the way of my going to Egypt.
And may I inquire vat zat is?
To tell you the truth,
replied Mr Bunker, with an
air of reluctant candour, my funds are rather low. I
had trusted to finding my father at home, but as he
isn’t, why&qdash;
he shrugged his shoulders and threw
himself back in his chair.
The Baron seemed struck with an idea which he hesitated to express.
Shall we smoke?
his friend suggested.
Vaiter!
cried the Baron, bring here two best cigars
and two coffee!
A liqueur, Baron?
Ach, yah. Vat for you?
A liqueur brandy suggests itself.
Vaiter! and two brandy.
And now,
said the Baron, I haf an idea, Bonker.
The Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg, as I have said, had a warm heart. He was, besides, alone in one hundred and twenty square miles of strangers and foreigners when he had happened upon this congenial spirit. He began in a tone of the most ingenuous friendliness—
I haf no friends here. My introdogtions zey are
gone. Bot I haf moch money, and I vish a, vat you
say?—showman, ha, ha, ha! You haf too leetle money
and no friends and you can show. You show and I
will loan you vat you vish. May I dare to suggest?
My dear Baron!
My goot Bonker! I am in airnest, I assure. Vy not?
It is vun gentleman and anozzer.
You are far too kind.
It is to myself I am kind, zen. I vant a guide, a
frient. It is a loan. Do not scruple. Ven your fader
goms you can pay if you please. It is nozing to me.
Well, my dear Baron,
said Mr Bunker, like a man
persuaded against his will, what can I say? I confess
I might find a little difficulty in replenishing my purse
without resorting to disagreeable means, and if you really
wish my society, why&qdash;
Zen it is a bairgain?
cried the Baron.
If you insist&qdash;
I insist. Vaiter! Alzo two ozzer liqueur. Ve most
drink to ze bairgain, Bonker.
They pledged each other cordially, and talked from
Let us
do zomzing to-night, Bonker. I burn for to begin zis
show of London.
What would you care to do, Baron? It is rather
late, I am afraid, to think of a theatre. What do you say
to a music-hall?
Music-hall? I haf seen zem at home. Damned
amusing, das ist ze expression, yes?
It is a perfect description.
Bot,
continued the Baron, solemnly, I must not
begin vid ze vickedest.
And yet,
replied his friend, persuasively, even
wickedness needs a beginning.
Bot, if I begin I may not stop. Zomzing more qviet
ze first night. Haf you a club?
Mr Bunker pondered for a moment, and a curious
smile stole across his face. Then it vanished, and he
answered readily, Certainly, Baron, an excellent idea.
I haven’t been to my club for so long that it never struck
me. Let us come.
Goot!
cried the Baron, rising with alacrity.
They put on their coats (Mr Bunker’s, it may be remarked, being a handsome fur-lined garment), the porter hailed a cab, and the driver was ordered to take them to the Regent’s Club in Pall Mall. The Baron knew it by reputation as the most exclusive in London, and his opinion of his friend rose still higher.
They joined a jingling string of other hansoms and sped swiftly through the exhilarating bustle of the streets. To the Baron it seemed as if a great change had come over the city since he wandered disconsolately before dinner. Carried swiftly to the music of the little bells through the sharp air and the London night that is brighter than day, with a friend by his side and a good dinner within, he marked the most astonishing difference. All the people seemed to talk and laugh, and for his own part he found it hard to keep his tongue still.
I know ze name of ze Regent’s,
he said; vun club
of ze best, is it not?
The very best club, Baron.
Zey are all noble?
In many cases the receipts for their escutcheons are
still in their pockets.
Though the precise significance of this explanation was not quite clear to the Baron, it sounded eminently satisfactory.
Zo?
he said. I shall be moch interested to see
zem.
As they entered the club the porter stared at them curiously, and even made a movement as though he would step out and address them; but Mr Bunker, wishing him a courteous good evening, walked briskly up to the hat-and-cloak racks in the hall. A young man had just hung up his hat, and as he was divesting himself of his coat, Mr Bunker quickly took the hat down, glanced at the name inside, and replaced it on its peg. Then he held out his hand and addressed the young man cordially.
Good evening, Transome, how are you?
said he,
and, heedless of the look of surprise on the other’s face,
he turned towards the Baron and added, Let me introduce
the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg—Mr Transome.
The Baron has just come to England, and I
thought he couldn’t begin better than by a visit to the
Regent’s. Let us come into the smoking-room.
In a few minutes they were all on the best of terms. A certain perplexity, and almost shyness, that the young man showed at first, vanished rapidly before the Baron’s cordiality and Mr Bunker’s well-bred charm of manner.
They were deeply engrossed in a discussion on the reigning sovereign of the Baron’s native land, a monarch of whose enlightened policy that nobleman spoke with pardonable pride, when two elderly gentlemen entered the room.
Who are these?
Mr Bunker whispered to Transome.
I know them very well, but I am always bad at names.
Lord Fabrigas and General M’Dermott,
replied
Transome.
Instantly Mr Bunker rose and greeted the new-comers.
Good evening, Lord Fabrigas; good evening, General.
You have just come in time to be introduced to the Baron
Rudolph von Blitzenberg, whom you doubtless know
by reputation.
The Baron rose and bowed, and it struck him that
elderly English gentlemen were singularly stiff and constrained
in their manner. Mr Bunker, however, continued
cheerfully, We are just going to have a smoking
concert. Will you begin, Baron?
I know not English songs,
replied the Baron, bot
I should like moch to hear.
You must join in the chorus, then.
Certainly, Bonker. I haf a voice zat is considered—vat
you call—deafening, yes?—in ze chorus.
Mr Bunker cleared his throat, and, just as the General was on the point of interposing a remark, struck up hastily; and for the first time in its long and honourable history the smoking-room of the Regent’s Club reechoed to a popular music-hall ditty.
They sometimes call ’em duckies, they sometimes call ’em pets,
By the simple title ofmy lady friend.
Chorus, Baron!
And then he trolled in waltz time
this edifying refrain—
My lady friend, my lady friend!
She’s only my lady friend!
In a voice like a train going over a bridge the Baron chimed in—
My laty vrient, my laty vrient!
He is only mine laty vrient!
I am afraid,
said Mr Bunker, as they finished the
chorus, that I can’t remember any more. Now, General,
it’s your turn.
Sir,
replied that gallant officer, who had listened
to this ditty in purple and petrified astonishment, I
don’t know who the devil you are, but I can tell you, you
won’t remain a member of this club much longer if you
come into it again in this state.
I had forgotten,
said Mr Bunker, with even more
than his usual politeness, that such an admirable music-hall
critic was listening to me. I must apologise for my
poor effort.
Wishing him courteously good-night, he took the Baron
by the arm and walked out. While that somewhat perplexed
nobleman was struggling into his coat, his friend
rapidly and dexterously converted all the silk hats he
could see into the condition of collapsed opera hats,
and then picked a small hand-bag off the floor. The
Baron walked out through the door first, but Mr Bunker
stopped for an instant opposite the hall-porter’s box,
and crying, Good night to you, sir!
hurled the bag
through the glass, rushed after his friend, and in less
time than it takes to tell they were tearing up Pall Mall
in a hansom.
For a few minutes both were silent; then the Baron
said slowly, I do not qvite onderstand.
My dear Baron,
his friend explained gaily, these
practical jokes are very common in our clubs. They
are quite part of our national life, you know, and I
thought you ought to see everything.
The Baron said nothing, but he began to realise that he was indeed in a foreign country.
Vell, Bonker, vat show to-day?
said the Baron.
Mr Bunker sipped his coffee and smiled back at his friend.
What would you like?
said he.
They were sitting in the Baron’s private room finishing one of the renowned Hôtel Mayonaise breakfasts. Out of the windows they could see the bright curving river, the bare tops of the Embankment trees, a file of barges drifting with the tide, and cold-looking clouds hurrying over the chaos of brick on the opposite shore. It was a bright breezy morning, and the Baron felt in high good-humour with his surroundings. On maturer consideration, the entertaining experience of the night before had greatly raised Mr Bunker in his estimation. He had chuckled his way through a substantial breakfast, and in such good company felt ready for any adventure that might turn up.
He lit a cigar, pushed back his chair, and replied
blandly, I am in your hands. I am ready to enjoy
anyzing.
Do you wish instruction or entertainment?
Mix zem, Bonker. Entertain by instrogtion; instrogt
by entertaining.
You are epigrammatic, Baron, but devilish vague. I
presume, however, that you wish entertaining experience
Ha, ha!
laughed the Baron. Excellent! You provide
ze experiences—I draw ze moral.
And we share the entertainment. The theory is
perfect, but I’m afraid we need a programme. Now, on
my own first visit to London I remember being taken—by
the hand—to Madame Tussaud’s Waxworks, the Tower,
St Paul’s Cathedral, the fishmarket at Billingsgate, the
British Museum, and a number of other damnably edifying
spectacles. You might naturally suppose that after
such a round it would be quite superfluous for me ever to
come up to town again. Yet, surprising as it may appear,
most of the knowledge of London I hope to put at
your disposal has been gained in the course of subsequent
visits.
Bot zese places—Tousaud, Tower,
Paul’s—are zey not instrogtif?
If you wish to learn that a great number of years
ago a vast quantity of inconsequent events occurred, or
that in an otherwise amusing enough world there are
here and there collected so many roomfuls of cheerless
articles, I can strongly recommend a visit to the Tower of
London or the British Museum.
In mine own gontry,
said the Baron, thoughtfully,
I can lairn zo moch.
Then, my dear Baron, while you are here forget it
all.
And yet,
said the Baron, still thoughtfully, somzing
I should lairn here.
Certainly; you will learn something of what goes on
underneath a waistcoat and a little of the contents of a
corset and petticoat. Also of the strange customs of this
city and the excellence of British institutions.
Ha, ha, ha!
laughed the Baron, who thought that if
his friend had not actually made a jest, it was at least
time for one to occur. I see, I see. I draw ze moral,
ha, ha!
This morning,
Mr Bunker continued, reflectively,
we might—let me see—well, we might do a little
shopping. To tell you the truth, Baron, my South African
experiences have somewhat exhausted my wardrobe.
Ach, zo. Cairtainly ve vill shop. Bot, Bonker,
Soud Africa? Vas it not Soud America?
Did I say Africa? America of course I meant.
Well, let us shop if you have no objections: then we might
have a little lunch, and afterwards visit the Park. For
the evening, what do you say to a theatre?
Goot!
cried the Baron. Make it tzos.
Mr Bunker’s shopping turned out to be a pretty extensive operation.
Loan vat you please of money,
said his friend. A
gentleman should be dressed in agreement.
With now and then an apology for his extravagance, he took full advantage of the Baron’s generosity, and ordered such an assortment of garments that his tailor could hardly bow low enough to express his gratification.
After an excellent lunch in the most expensive restaurant
to be found, they walked arm-in-arm westwards along
And now we come to the Park,
said Mr Bunker.
Guard your heart, Baron.
Ha, ha, ha!
replied the Baron. Zo instrogtion is
feenished, and now goms entertainment, ha?
With the moral always running through it, remember.
I shall not forget.
The sunshine had brought out a great many carriages and a sprinkling of walkers along the railings. The two friends strolled among them, eyeing the women and stopping now and then to look back at a carriage.
I suppose,
said the Baron, zat vile you haf been
avay your frients have forgot you.
As he spoke a young man looked hard at Mr Bunker, and even made a movement as though he would stop and speak to him. Mr Bunker looked blandly through him and walked on.
Do you not know zat gentleman?
Which gentleman?
Ze young man zat looked so at you.
Some young men have a way of staring here, Baron.
A few minutes later a lady in a passing carriage looked round sharply at them with an air of great surprise, and half bowed.
Surely,
exclaimed the Baron, zat vas a frient of
yours!
I am not a friend of hers, then,
Mr Bunker replied
Her bow I think must have been aimed
at you.
The Baron shook his head, and seemed to be drawing a moral.
Baron,
his friend exclaimed, suddenly, let us go
back; here comes one of our most popular phenomena,
a London fog. We need not stay in the Park to observe
it.
The sun was already obscured; there stole a most insidious chill through the air; like the changing of a scene on the stage they found themselves in a few minutes walking in a little ring of trees and road and iron railings instead of a wide sunny park; the roar of the streets came from behind a wall of mist that opened mysteriously to let a phantom carriage in and out, and closed silently behind it again.
I like not zis,
said the Baron, with a shiver.
By the time they had found Piccadilly again there was nothing at all to be seen but the light of the nearest lamp, as large and far away as a struggling sun, and the shadowy people who flitted by.
Their talk ceased. The Baron turned up his collar and sucked his cigar lugubriously, and Mr Bunker seemed unusually thoughtful. They had walked nearly as far as Piccadilly Circus when they were pulled up by a cab turning down a side-street. There was a lamp-post at the corner, and under it stood a burly man, his red face quite visible as they came up to his shoulder.
In an instant Mr Bunker seized the Baron by the arm, pulled him round, and began to walk hastily back again.
Vat for zis?
said the Baron, in great astonishment.
We have come too far, thanks to this infernal fog.
We must cross the street and take the first turning on the
other side. I must apologise, Baron, for my absence of
mind.
The cab passed by and the red-faced man strolled on.
Like lookin’ for a needle in a bloomin’
haystack,
he said to himself. I might as well go back
to Clankwood. ’E’s a good riddance, I say.
The Baron and Mr Bunker discussed their dinner
with the relish of approving connoisseurs. Mr Bunker
commended the hock, and suggested a second bottle;
the Baron praised the entrées, and insisted on another
helping. The frequent laughter arising from their table
excited general remark throughout the room, and already
the waiters were whispering to the other guests that this
was a German nobleman of royal blood engaged in a
diplomatic mission of importance, and his friend a ducal
member of the English Cabinet, at present, for reasons
of state, incognito.
Bonker!
exclaimed the Baron, I am in zat frame
of head I vant a romance, an adventure
(lowering his
voice a little), mit a beautiful lady, Bonker.
It must be a romance, Baron?
A novel, a story to tell to mine frients. In a strange
city man expects strange zings.
Well, I’ll do my best for you, but I confess the provision
of romantic adventures is a little outside the programme
we’ve arranged.
Ha, ha! Ve shall see, ve shall see, Bonker!
They arrived at the Corinthian Theatre about the middle of the first act, for, as Mr Bunker explained, it is always well to produce a good first impression, and few more effective means can be devised than working one’s way to the middle of a line of stalls with the play already in progress.
Hardly were they seated when the Baron drove his
elbow into his friend’s ribs (draped for the night, it may
be remarked, with one of the Baron’s spare dress-coats)
and exclaimed in an excited whisper, Next to you,
Bonker! Ach, zehr hüpsch!
Even before this hint Mr Bunker had observed that the lady on the other side of him was possessed of exceptional attractions. For a little time he studied her out of the corners of his eyes. He noticed that the stall on the farther side of her was empty, that she once or twice looked round as though she expected somebody, and that she seemed not altogether unconscious of her new neighbours. He further observed that her face was of a type that is more usually engaged in attack than defence.
Then he whispered, Would you like to know her?
Ach, yah!
replied the Baron, eagerly. Bot—can
you?
Mr Bunker smiled confidently. A few minutes later he happened to let his programme fall into her lap.
I beg your pardon,
he whispered, softly, and glanced
into her eyes with a smile ready.
His usual discernment had not failed him. She smiled, and instantly he produced his.
A little later her opera-glasses happened to slip from her hand, and though they only slipped slowly, it was no doubt owing to his ready presence of mind that their fall was averted.
This time their fingers happened to touch, and they smiled without an apology.
He leant towards her, looking, however, at the play. They shared a laugh over a joke that she might have been excused for not understanding; presently a criticism of some situation escaped him inadvertently, and she smiled again; soon after she gave an exclamation and he answered sympathetically, and at the end of the act the curtain came down on an acquaintance already begun. As the lights were turned up, and here and there men began to go out, she again looked at the entrances in some apparent concern, either lest some one should not come in or lest some one should.
He is late,
said Mr Bunker, smiling.
She gave a very enticing look of surprise, and consented to smile back before she coyly looked away again.
An erring husband, I presume.
She admitted that it was in fact a husband who had failed her.
But,
she added, I’m
afraid—I mean I expect he’ll
Mr Bunker expressed the deepest sympathy with her unfortunate predicament.
He has his ticket, of course?
But it seemed that she had both the tickets with her, an arrangement which he immediately denounced as likely to lead to difficulties when her husband arrived. He further, in the most obliging manner, suggested that he should take the ticket for the other seat to the booking office and leave instructions for its being given to the gentleman on his arrival. The lady gave him a curious little glance that seemed to imply a mixture of doubt as to his motives with confidence in his abilities, and then with many thanks agreed to his suggestion. Mr Bunker took the ticket and rose at once.
That I may be sure you are in good company while I
am away,
said he, permit me to introduce my friend
the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.
And the Baron promptly took his vacant seat.
On his return Mr Bunker found his friend wreathed in smiles and engaged in the most animated conversation with the lady, and before the last act was over, he gathered from such scraps of conversation as reached his ears that Rudolph von Blitzenberg had little to learn in one department of a nobleman’s duties.
I wonder where my husband can be,
the lady
whispered.
Ach, heed him not, fair lady,
replied the Baron.
Am I not instead of a hosband?
I’m afraid you’re a very naughty man, Baron.
Ven I am viz you,
the gallant Baron answered, I
forget myself all bot your charms.
These advances being made in the most dulcet tones of which the nobleman was master, and accompanied by the most enamoured expression, it is not surprising that the lady permitted herself to listen to them with perhaps too ready an ear. What Mr Bunker’s arrangement with the booking clerk had been was never quite clear, but certainly the erring husband failed to make his appearance at all, and at the last fall of the curtain she was easily persuaded to let the Baron escort her home.
I know I ought not, but if a husband deserts one so
faithlessly, what can I do?
she said, with a very becoming
little shrug of her shoulders and a captivating lift
of her eyebrows.
Ah, vat indeed? He desairves not so fair a consort.
But won’t it be troubling you?
Trouble? Pleasure and captivation!
Excuse me, Baron,
said the voice of Mr Bunker at
his elbow; if you will wait here at the door I shall send
up a cab.
Goot!
cried the Baron, a zouzand zanks!
I myself,
added Mr Bunker, with a profound bow
to the lady, shall say good night now. The best of
luck, Baron!
In a few minutes a hansom drove up, and the Baron, springing in beside his charge, told the man to drive to 602 Eaton Square.
Not too qvickly!
he added, in a stage aside.
They reached Trafalgar Square, matters inside going harmoniously as a marriage bell,—almost, in fact, too much suggesting that simile.
Why are we going down Whitehall?
the lady exclaimed,
suddenly.
I know not,
replied the Baron, placidly.
Ask him where he is going!
she said.
The Baron, as in duty bound, asked, and the reassuring
reply, All right, sir,
came back through the hole in the
roof.
I seem to know that man’s voice,
the lady said.
He must have driven me before.
To me all ze English speak ze same,
replied the
Baron. All bot you, my fairest, viz your sound like
a—vat you call?—fiddle, is it?
Though his charmer had serious misgivings regarding their cabman’s topographical knowledge, the Baron’s company proved so absorbing that it was not till they were being rapidly driven over Vauxhall Bridge that she at last took alarm. At first the Baron strove to soothe her by the most approved Teutonic blandishments, but in time he too began to feel concerned, and in a voice like thunder he repeatedly called upon the driver to stop. No reply was vouchsafed, and the pace merely grew the more reckless.
Can’t you catch the reins?
cried the lady, who had
got into a terrible fright.
The Baron twice essayed the feat, but each time a
heavy blow over the knuckles from the butt-end of the
whip forced him to desist. The lady burst into tears.
Oh, don’t let him murder me!
sobbed the lady.
Haf cheer, fairest; he shall not vile I am viz you! Gott
in himmel, ze rascal! Parbleu und blood! Goddam!
Vait till I catch him, hell and blitzen! Haf courage,
dear!
Oh dear, oh dear!
wailed the lady. I
shall
never
do it again!
They must have covered miles, and still the speed never abated, when suddenly, as they were rounding a sharp corner, the horse slipped on the frost-bound road, and in the twinkling of an eye the Baron and the lady were sitting on opposite sides of their fallen steed, and the cabman was rubbing his head some yards in front.
Teufel!
exclaimed the Baron, rising carefully to
his feet. Ach, mine dearest vun, art thou hurt?
The lady was silent for a moment, as though trying to decide, and then she burst into hysterical laughter.
Ach, zo,
said the Baron, much relieved, zen vill I
see ze cabman.
That individual was still rubbing his head with a rueful air, and the Baron was about to pour forth all his bottled-up indignation, when at the sight of the driver’s face he started back in blank astonishment.
Bonker!
It is I indeed, my dear Baron,
replied that gentleman,
I must ask a thousand pardons for
causing you this trifling inconvenience. As to your
friend, I don’t know how I am to make my peace with
her.
Bot—bot vat means zis?
gasped the Baron.
I was merely endeavouring to provide the spice of
romance you required, besides giving you the opportunity
of making the lady’s better acquaintance. Can I do
anything more for you, Baron? And you, my dear
lady, can I assist you in any way?
Both, speaking at once and with some heat, gave a decidedly affirmative answer.
Where are we?
asked the lady, who hovered between
fright and indignation.
Mr Bunker shrugged his shoulders.
It would be rash to hazard an opinion,
he replied.
Well!
cried the lady, her indignation quite overcoming
her fright. Do you mean to say you’ve brought
us here against our wills and probably got me
into
dreadful
trouble, and you don’t even know where we are?
Mr Bunker looked up at the heavens with a studious air.
One
he replied; ought to be
able to tell something of our whereabouts
from one of those stars,but, to tell
the truth, I don’t quite know which. In short, madame,
it is not from want of goodwill, but merely through
ignorance, that I cannot direct you.
The lady turned impatiently to the Baron.
she said,
tartly. You’ve helped
to get me into this mess,What do you propose to do?
My fairest&qdash;
Don’t!
she interrupted, stamping her foot on the
frosty road, and then inconsequently burst into tears.
The Baron and Mr Bunker looked at one another.
It is a fine night for a walk, and the cab, I’m afraid,
is smashed beyond hope of redemption. Give the lady
your arm, Baron; we must eventually arrive somewhere.
There was really nothing else for it, so leaving the horse and cab to be recovered by the first policeman who chanced to pass, they set out on foot. At last, after half an hour’s ramble through the solitudes of South London, a belated cab was hailed and all three got inside. Once on her way home, the lady’s indignation again gave way to fright.
What
she wailed.
am I to do?
What am I to do?Oh, whatever will my husband say?
In his most confident and irresistible manner Mr
Bunker told her he would make matters all right for her
at whatever cost to himself; and so infectious was his
assurance, that, when at last they reached Eaton Square,
she allowed him to come up to the door of number 602.
The Baron prudently remained in the cab, for, as he explained,
My English, he is unsafe.
After a prolonged knocking and ringing the door at length opened, and an irascible-looking, middle-aged gentleman appeared, arrayed in a dressing-gown.
Louisa!
he cried. What the dev—where on earth
have you been? The police are looking for you all over
London. And may I venture to ask who this is with
you?
Mr Bunker bowed slightly and raised his hat.
My dear sir,
he said, we found this lady in a
lamentable state of intoxication in the Tottenham Court
Road, and as I understand you have a kind of reversionary
interest in her, we have brought her here. As for
you, sir, your appearance is so unprepossessing that I
am unable to remain any longer. Good night,
and
raising his hat again he entered the cab and drove off,
assuring the Baron that matters were satisfactorily
arranged.
So you have had your adventure, Baron,
he added,
with a smile.
For a minute or two the Baron was silent. Then he
broke into a cheerful guffaw, Ha, ha, ha! You are a
fonny devil, Bonker! Ach, bot it vas pleasant vile it
lasted!
A few days passed in the most entertaining manner.
A menu of amusements was regularly prepared suitable
to a catholic taste, and at every turn the Baron was
struck by the enterprise and originality of his friend.
He had, however, a national bent for serious inquiry,
and now and then doubts crossed his mind whether,
with all his moral drawing, he was acquiring quite as
much solid information as he had set out to gain. This
idea grew upon him, till one morning, after gazing for
some time at the English newspaper he always made a
Bonker, I haf
a doubt!
I have many,
replied Mr Bunker; in fact, I have
few positive ideas left.
Bot mine is a particulair doubt. Do I lairn enoff?
My own conception of enough learning, Baron, is a
thing like a threepenny-bit—the smallest coin one can do
one’s marketing with.
And yet,
said the Baron, solemnly, for my own
share, I am not satisfied. I vould lairn more of ze British
institutions; so far I haf lairned of ze pleasures only.
My dear Baron, they are the British institutions.
The Baron shook his head and fell to his paper again, while Mr Bunker stretched himself on the sofa and gazed through his cigar-smoke at the ceiling. Suddenly the Baron gave an exclamation of horror.
My dear Baron, what is the matter?
Yet anozer outrage!
cried the Baron. Zese anarchists,
zey are too scandalous. At all ze stations zere
are detectives, and all ze ships are being vatched. Ach,
it is terrible!
Mr Bunker seemed struck with an idea, for he stared at the ceiling without making any reply, and his eyes, had the Baron seen them, twinkled curiously.
At last the Baron laid down his paper.
Vell, vat shall ve do?
he asked.
Let us come first to Liverpool Street Station, if you
don’t mind, Baron,
his friend suggested. I have something
in the cloak-room there I want to pick up.
My dear Bonker, I shall go vere you vill; bot remember
You wish to see the practical side of English life?
Yah—zat is, yes.
Mr Bunker smiled.
Then I must entertain myself.
As they drove down he was in his wittiest humour, and the Baron, in spite of his desire for instruction, was more charmed with his friend than ever.
Vat fonny zing vill you do next, eh?
he asked, as
they walked arm-in-arm into the station.
I am no more the humourist, my dear Baron,—I
shall endeavour to edify you.
They had arrived at a busy hour, when the platforms were crowded with passengers and luggage. A train had just come in, and around it the bustle was at its height, and the confusion most bewildering.
Wait for me here,
said Mr Bunker; I shall be
back in a minute.
He started in the direction of the cloak-room, and then, doubling back through the crowd, walked down the platform and stopped opposite a luggage-van. An old gentleman, beside himself with irritation, was struggling with the aid of a porter to collect his luggage, and presently he left the pile he had got together and made a rush in the direction of a large portmanteau that was just being tumbled out. Instantly Mr Bunker picked up a handbag from the heap and walked quickly off with it.
Here you are, Baron,
he said, as he came up to his
I find there is something else I must do, so do
you mind holding this bag for a few minutes? If you
will walk up and down in front of the refreshment-rooms
here, I’ll find you more easily. Is it troubling you too
much?
Not vun bit, Bonker. I am in your sairvice.
He put the bag into the Baron’s hand with his pleasantest smile, and turned away. Rounding a corner, he came cautiously back again through the crowd and stepped up to a policeman.
Keep your eye on that man, officer,
he said, in a low
confidential voice, and an air of quiet authority, and
put your plain clothes’ men on his track. I know him
for one of the most dangerous anarchists.
The man started and stared hard at the Baron, and
presently that unconscious nobleman, pacing the platform
in growing wonder at Mr Bunker’s lengthy absence,
and looking anxiously round him on all sides, noticed
with surprise that a number of quietly dressed men,
with no apparent business in the station, were eyeing
him with, it seemed to him, an interest that approached
suspicion. In time he grew annoyed, he returned their
glances with his haughtiest and most indignant look,
and finally, stepping up to one of them, asked in no friendly
voice, Vat for do you vatch me?
The man returned an evasive answer, and passing one
of his fellow-officers, whispered, Foreign; I was sure
of it.
At last the Baron could stand it no longer, and laying
the bag down by the door of the refreshment-room,
Down with your
men, sergeant! Down, lie down! It will explode in
twenty seconds!
And as he spoke he threw himself flat on his face. So infectious were his commanding voice and his note of alarm that one after another, detectives, passengers, and porters, cast themselves at full length on the platform. The Baron, filled with terror of anarchist plots, was one of the first to prostrate himself, and at that there could be no further doubt of the imminence of the peril.
The cabs rattled and voices sounded from outside; an engine whistled and shunted at a far platform, but never before at that hour of the day had Liverpool Street Station been so silent. All held their breath and heard their hearts thump as they gazed in horrible fascination at that fatal bag, or with closed eyes stumbled through a hasty prayer. Fully a minute passed, and the suspense was growing intolerable, when with a loud oath an old gentleman rose to his feet and walked briskly up to the bag.
Have a care, sir! For Heaven’s sake have a care!
cried Mr Bunker; but the old gentleman merely bent
over the terrible object, and, picking it up, exclaimed
in bewildered wrath, It’s my bag! Who the devil
brought it here, and what’s the meaning of this d—d
nonsense?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
roared Mr Bunker; while like
sheepish mushrooms the people sprang up on all sides.
My dear sir,
said Mr Bunker, coming up to the old
gentleman, and raising his hat with his most affable air,
permit me to congratulate you on recovering your lost
property, and allow me further to introduce my friend
the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg.
Baron von damned-humbug!
cried the old gentleman.
Did you take my bag, sir? and if so, are you a
thief or a lunatic?
For an instant even Mr Bunker himself seemed a trifle
taken aback; then he replied politely, I am not a thief,
sir.
Then what
demanded the sergeant.’ave you
been doing?
Merely demonstrating to my friend the Baron the
extraordinary vigilance of the English police.
For a time neither the old gentleman nor the sergeant seemed quite capable of taking the same view of the episode as Mr Bunker, and, curiously enough, the Baron seemed not disinclined to let his friend extricate himself as best he could. No one, however, could resist Mr Bunker, and before very long he and the Baron were driving up Bishopsgate Street together, with the old gentleman’s four-wheeler lumbering in front of them.
Well, Baron, are you satisfied with your morning’s
instruction?
asked his friend.
A German nobleman is not used to be in soch a
position,
replied the Baron, stiffly.
You must admit, however, that the object-lesson in
the detection of anarchy was neatly presented.
I admit nozing of ze kind,
said the Baron, stolidly.
For the rest of the drive he sat obdurately silent. He went to his room with the mien of an offended man. During lunch he only opened his lips to eat.
On his side Mr Bunker maintained a cheerful composure, and seemed not a whit put about by his friend’s lack of appreciation.
Anozzer bottle of claret,
said the Baron, gruffly, to
a waiter.
Mr Bunker let him consume it entirely by himself,
awaiting the results with patience. Gradually his face
relaxed a little, until all at once, when the bump in the
bottom of the bottle was beginning to appear above the
wine, the whole room was startled by a stentorian, Ha,
ha, ha!
My dear Bonker!
cried the Baron, when he had
finished laughing, forgif me! I begin for to see ze
moral, ha, ha, ha!
The Baron expressed no further wish for instruction, but, instead, he began to show a desire for society.
Doesn’t one fool suffice?
his friend asked.
Ach, yes, my vise fool; ha, ha, ha! Bot sometimes
I haf ze craving for peoples, museec, dancing—in vun
vord, society, Bonker!
But this is not the season, Baron. You wouldn’t
mix with any but the best society, would you?
Zere are some nobles in town. In my paper I see
Lord zis, Duke of zat, in London. Pairhaps my introdogtions
might be here now.
This suggestion seemed to strike Mr Bunker unfavourably.
My company is beginning to pall, is it, Baron?
Ach, no, dear Bonker! I vould merely go out jost
vunce or tvice. Haf you no friends now in town?
An idea seemed to seize Mr Bunker.
Let me see the paper,
he said.
After perusing it carefully for a little, he at last exclaimed
in a tone of pleased discovery, Hullo! I see
that Lady Tulliwuddle is giving a reception and dance
to-night. Most of the smart people in town just now
are sure to be there. Would you care to go, Baron?
Ach, surely,
said the Baron, eagerly. Bot haf
you been invited, Bonker?
Oh, I used to have a standing invitation to Lady
Tulliwuddle’s dances, and I’m certain she would be glad
to see me again.
Can you take me?
Of course, my dear Baron, she will be honoured.
Goot!
cried the Baron. Ve shall go.
Mr Bunker explained that it was the proper thing to
arrive very late, and so it was not until after twelve o’clock
that they left the Hôtel Mayonaise for the regions of
Belgravia. The Baron, primed with a bottle of champagne,
and arrayed in a costume which Mr Bunker had
assured him was the very latest extreme of fashion, and
which included a scarlet watered silk waistcoat, a pair
Their hansom stopped in front of a large and gaily lit-up mansion, with an awning leading to the door, and a cluster of carriages and footmen by the kerbstone. They entered, and having divested themselves of their coats, Mr Bunker proposed that they should immediately seek the supper-room.
Bot should I not be first introduced to mine hostess?
asked the Baron.
My dear Baron! a formal reception of the guests is
entirely foreign to English etiquette.
Zo? I did not know zat.
The supper-room was crowded, and having secured a table with some difficulty, Mr Bunker entered immediately into conversation with a solitary young gentleman who was consuming a plate of oysters. Before they had exchanged six sentences the young man had entirely succumbed to Mr Bunker’s address, aided possibly by the young man’s supper.
Permit me to introduce my friend the Baron Rudolph
von Blitzenberg, a nobleman strange as yet to England,
but renowned throughout his native land alike for his
talents and his lofty position,
said Mr Bunker.
Ach, my good friend,
exclaimed the Baron, grasping
the young man’s hand, das ist Bonker’s vat you call
nonsense; bot I am delighted, zehr delighted, to meet
you, and if you gom to Bavaria you most shoot vid me!
Bravo! Ha!
From which it may be gathered that the Baron was in a genial humour.
Who is that girl?
asked Mr Bunker, pointing to an
extremely pretty damsel just leaving the room.
Oh, that’s my cousin, Lady Muriel Hilton. She’s
thought rather pretty, I believe,
answered the young
man.
Do you mind introducing me?
Certainly,
said their new friend. Come along.
As they were passing through the room a little incident
occurred that, if the Baron’s perceptions had been keener,
might have given him cause for some speculation. Two
men standing by the door looked hard at Mr Bunker,
and then at each other, and as the Baron passed them
he heard one say, It looks devilish like him.
He has shaved, then,
said the other.
Evidently,
replied the first speaker; but I thought
he was unlikely to appear in any society for some time.
They both laughed, and the Baron heard no more.
When they reached the ballroom the band was striking
up a polka, and presently Mr Bunker, with his accustomed
grace, was tearing round the room with Lady Muriel,
while the Baron—the delight of all eyes in his red
waistcoat—led out her sister. In a very short time the other
dancers found the Baron and his friend’s onslaught so
Mr Bunker was enlivening the monotony of the polka by the judicious introduction of hornpipe steps, while the Baron, his coat-tails high above his head, shouted and stamped in his wild career.
Do stop for a minute, Baron,
gasped his fair partner.
Himmel, nein!
roared the Baron. I haf gom here
for to dance! Ha, Bonker, ha!
At last Lady Muriel had to stop through sheer exhaustion, but Mr Bunker, merely letting her go, pursued his solitary way, double-shuffling and kicking unimpeded.
The Baron stopped, breathless, to admire him. Round
and round he went, the only figure in the middle of the
room, his arms akimbo, his feet rat-tatting and kicking
to the music, while high above the band resounded his
friend’s shouts of Bravo, Bonker! Wunderschön!
Gott in himmel, higher, higher!
till at length, missing
the wall in an attempt to find support, the Baron dropped
with a thud into a sitting posture and continued his demonstrations
from the floor.
Meanwhile their alarmed hostess was holding a hasty consultation with her husband, and when the music at last stopped and Mr Bunker was advancing with his most courteous air towards his late partner, Lord Tulliwuddle stepped up to him and touched his arm.
May I speak to you, sir?
he said.
Certainly,
replied Mr Bunker. I shall be honoured.
Excuse me for one moment, Lady Muriel.
At whose invitation have you come here to-night?
demanded his host, sternly.
I have the pleasure of addressing Lord Tulliwuddle,
have I not?
You have, sir.
Mr Bunker bent towards him and whispered something in his ear.
From Scotland Yard?
exclaimed his lordship.
Hush!
said Mr Bunker, glancing cautiously round
the room, and then he added, with an air of impressive
gravity, You have a bathroom on the third floor, I
believe?
I have,
replied his host in great surprise.
Has it a bell?
No, I believe not.
Ah, I thought so. If you will favour me by coming
up-stairs for a minute, my Lord, you will avoid a serious
private scandal. Say nothing about it at present to any
one.
In blank astonishment and some alarm Lord Tulliwuddle went up with him to the third floor, where the house was still and the sounds of revelry reached faintly.
What does this mean, sir?
he asked.
If I am right in my conjectures you will need no
explanation from me, my Lord.
His lordship opened a door, and turning on an electric light, revealed a small and ordinary-looking bathroom.
Ha, no bell—excellent!
said Mr Bunker.
What are you doing with the key?
exclaimed his
host.
Good night, my Lord. I shall tell them to send up
breakfast at nine,
said Mr Bunker, and stepping quickly
out, he shut and locked the door.
A minute later he was back in the ballroom looking anxiously for the Baron, but that nobleman was nowhere to be seen.
The devil!
he said to himself. Can they have
tackled him too?
But as he ran downstairs a gust of cheerful laughter set his mind at ease.
Ha, ha, ha! Vere is old Bonker? He also vill shoot
vid me!
Here I am, my dear Baron,
he exclaimed gaily,
as he tracked the voice into the supper-room.
Ach, mine dear Bonker!
cried the Baron, folding
him in his muscular embrace, I haf here met friends,
ve are merry! Ve drink to Bavaria, to England, to
everyzing!
The friends
consisted of two highly amused young
men and two half-scandalised, half-hysterical ladies,
into the midst of whose supper-table the Baron had projected
himself with infectious hilarity. They all looked
up with great curiosity at Mr Bunker, but that gentleman
was not in the least put about. He bowed politely to
the table generally, and took his friend by the arm.
It is time we were going, Baron,
I’m afraid,
he said.
Vat for? Ah, not yet, Bonker, not yet. I am enjoying
myself down to ze floor. I most dance again, Bonker,
jost vunce more,
pleaded the Baron.
My dear Baron, the noblemen of highest rank must
Ha, is zat so?
said the Baron. Zen vill I go.
Good night!
he cried, waving his hand to the room
generally. Ven you gom to Bavaria you most all
shoot vid me. Bravo, my goot Bonker! Ha! ha!
As they turned away from the table, one of the young men, who had been looking very hard at Mr Bunker, rose and touched his sleeve.
I say, aren’t you&qdash;?
he began.
Possibly I am,
interrupted Mr Bunker, only I
haven’t the slightest recollection of the fact.
An astonished lady was indicated by Mr Bunker as the hostess, and to her the Baron bade an affectionate adieu. He handed a sovereign to the footman, embraced the butler, and as they sped eastwards in their hansom, a rousing chorus from the two friends awoke the echoes of Piccadilly.
Bravo, Bonker! Himmel, I haf enjoyed myself!
sighed the exhausted Baron.
The Baron and Mr Bunker discussed a twelve o’clock
breakfast with the relish of men who had done a good
night’s work. The Baron was full of his exploits. Ze
lofly Lady Hilton
and his new friends
seemed to
have made a vivid impression.
Zey vill be in ze Park to-day, of course?
he suggested.
Possibly,
replied Mr Bunker, without any great
enthusiasm.
But surely.
After a dance it is rather unlikely.
Ze Lady Hilton did say she vent to ze Park.
To-day, Baron?
I do not remember to-day. I did dance so hard I
was not perhaps distinct. But I shall go and see.
As Mr Bunker’s attempts to throw cold water on this scheme proved quite futile, he made a graceful virtue of necessity, dressed himself with care, and set out in the afternoon for the Park. They had only walked as far as Piccadilly Circus when in the crowd at the corner his eye fell upon a familiar figure. It was the burly, red-faced man.
The devil! Moggridge again!
he muttered.
For a moment he thought they were going to pass unobserved: then the man turned his head their way, and Mr Bunker saw him start. He never looked over his shoulder, but after walking a little farther he called the Baron’s attention to a shop window, and they stopped to look at it. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Moggridge about twenty yards behind them stopping too. He was glancing towards them very doubtfully. Evidently his mind was not yet made up, and at once Mr Bunker’s fertile brain began to revolve plans.
A little farther on they paused before another window,
and exactly the same thing happened. Then Mr Bunker
He caught the driver’s eye and raised his stick, and
turning suddenly to the Baron with a gesture of annoyance,
exclaimed, Forgive my rudeness, Baron, I’m
afraid I must leave you. I had clean forgotten an important
engagement in the city for this afternoon.
Appointment in ze city?
said the Baron in considerable
surprise. I did not know you had friends
in ze city.
I have just heard from my father’s man of business,
and I’m afraid it would be impolitic not to see him. Do
you mind if I leave you here?
Surely, my dear fellow, I vould not stop you. Already
I feel at home by myself.
Then we shall meet at the hotel before dinner. Good
luck with the ladies, Baron.
Mr Bunker jumped into the cab, saying only to the
driver, To the city, as quick as you can.
What part, sir?
Oh, say the Bank. Hurry up!
Then as the man whipped up, Mr Bunker had a glimpse of Moggridge hailing another cab, and peeping cautiously through the little window at the back he saw him starting in hot pursuit. He took five shillings out of his pocket and opened the trap-door in the roof.
Do you see that other cab chasing us, with a red-faced
man inside?
Yes, sir.
Mr Bunker handed his driver the money.
Get rid of him, then. Take me anywhere through
the city you like, and when he’s off the scent let me
know.
Very good, sir,
replied the driver, cracking his whip
till his steed began to move past the buses and the other
cabs like a train.
On they flew, clatter and jingle, twisting like a snipe through the traffic. Mr Bunker perceived that he had a good horse and a good driver, and he smiled in pleasant excitement. He lit a cigar, leaned his arms on the doors, and settled himself to enjoy the race.
The black lions of Trafalgar Square flew by, then the colossal hotels of Northumberland Avenue and the railway bridge at Charing Cross, and they were going at a gallop along the Embankment. He got swift glimpses of other cabs and foot-passengers, the trees seemed to flit past like telegraph-posts on a railway, the barges and lighters on the river dropped one by one behind them: it was a fair course for a race, with never a check before Blackfriar’s Bridge.
As they turned into Queen Victoria Street he opened
the lid and asked, Are they still in sight?
Yes, sir; I’m afraid we ain’t gaining much yet. But
I’ll do it, sir, no fears.
Mr Bunker lay back and laughed.
This is better than the Park,
he said to himself.
They had a fine drive up Queen Victoria Street before
they plunged into the whirlpool of traffic at the Bank.
They were slowly making their way across when the
Thrown them off?
asked Mr Bunker.
Tried to, sir, but they were too sharp and got clear
away too.
Mr Bunker saw that it was going to be a stern chase, and laughed again. In order that he might not show ostensibly that he was running away, he resisted the temptation of having another peep through the back, and resigned himself to the chances of the chase.
Through and through the lanes and byways of the city they drove, and after each double the answer from the box was always the same. The cab behind could not be shaken off.
Work your way round to Holborn and try a run west,
Mr Bunker suggested.
So after a little they struck Newgate Street, and presently their steed stretched himself again in Holborn Viaduct.
Gaining now, cabby?
A little, sir, I think.
Mr Bunker sat placidly till they were well along Holborn before he inquired again.
Can’t get rid of ’im no ’ow.
Afride it ain’t much good, sir.
Mr Bunker passed up five shillings more.
Keep your tail up. You’ll do it yet,
he exhorted.
Try a turn north; you may bother him among the
squares.
So they doubled north, and as the evening closed in
They can’t last much longer,
he said to his driver.
Turn up Regent’s Park way.
A little later he put the usual question and got the same unvarying answer.
The horse was evidently beginning to fail, and he saw that this chariot-race must soon come to an end. The street-lamps and the shop windows were all lit up by this time, and the dusk was pretty thick. It seemed to him that he might venture to try his luck on foot, and he began to look out for an opening where a cab could not follow.
They were flogging along a noisy stone-paved road where there was little other traffic; on one side stood an unbroken row of houses, and on the other were small semi-detached villas with little strips of garden about them. All at once he saw a doctor’s red lamp over the door of one of these half villas, and an inspiration came upon him.
One can always visit a doctor,
he said to himself, and
smiled in great amusement at something in the reflection.
He stopped the cab, handed the man half a sovereign,
and saying only, Drive away again, quickly,
jumped
out, glanced at the name on the plate, and pulled the bell.
As he waited on the step he saw the other cab stop a little
way back, and his pursuer emerge.
A frowsy little servant opened the door.
Is Dr Twiddel at home?
he asked.
Dr Twiddel’s abroad, sir,
said the maid.
No one in at all, then?
Dr Billson sees ’is patients, sir—w’en
there
his any.
When do you expect Dr Billson?
In about an hour, sir, ’e usually comes hin.
Excellent!
thought Mr Bunker. Aloud he said,
Well, I’m a patient. I’ll come in and wait.
He stepped in, and the door banged behind him.
This w’y, sir,
said the maid, and Mr Bunker found
himself in the little room where this story opened.
The moment he was alone he went to the window and peeped cautiously between the slats of the venetian blind.
The street was quiet, both cabs had disappeared, and for a minute or two he could see nothing even of Moggridge. Then a figure moved carefully from the shelter of a bush a little way down the railings, and, after a quick look at the house, stepped back again.
He means to play the waiting game,
said Mr Bunker
to himself. Long may you wait, my wary Moggridge!
He took a rapid survey of the room. He saw the medical library, the rented furniture, and the unlit gas-stove; and at last his eye fell upon a box of cigarettes. To one of these he helped himself and leaned his back against the mantelpiece.
There must be at least one room at the back,
he
reflected; that room must have a window, and beyond
that window there is all London to turn to. Friend
Moggridge, I trust you are prepared to spend the evening
behind your bush.
He had another look through the blind and shook his head.
A little too light yet,—I’d better wait for a quarter
of an hour or so.
To while away the time he proceeded to make a tour of the room, for, as he said to himself, when in an unknown country any information may possibly come in useful. There was nothing whatever from which he could draw even the most superficial deduction till he came to the writing-desk. Here a heap of bills were transfixed by a long skewer, and at his first glance at the uppermost his face assumed an expression of almost ludicrous bewilderment. He actually rubbed his eyes before he looked a second time.
One dozen shirts,
he read, four under-flannels,
four pair socks, one dozen handkerchiefs, two sleeping-suits—marked
Francis Beveridge! the account rendered
to Dr G. Twiddel! What in the name of wonderment
is the meaning of this?
He sat down with the bill in his hand and gazed hard at it.
Precisely my outfit,
he said to himself.
Am I—Does it&qdash;? What a rum thing!
He sat for about ten minutes looking hard at the floor.
Then he burst out laughing, resumed in a moment his
Twiddel to Billson,
he said to himself. This
may possibly be worth looking at.
It was dated more than a month back from the town of Fogelschloss.
Dear Tom,it ran,we are having an A 1 time. Old Welsh is in splendid form, doing the part to perfection. He has never given himself away yet, not even when drunk, which, I am sorry to say, he has been too often. But then old Welsh is so funny when he is drunk that it makes him all the more like the original, or at least what the original is supposed to be.
Of course we don’t dare to venture into places where we would see too many English. This is quite an amusing place for a German town, some baths and a kind of a gambling-table, and some pretty girls—for Germans. There is a sporting aristocrat here, in an old castle, who is very friendly, and is much impressed with Welsh’s account of his family plate and deer-forest, and has asked us once or twice to come out and see him. We are no end of swells, I assure you.
Ta, ta, old chap. Hope the practice prospers in your hands. Don’t killallthe patients before I come back.—Ever thine,
GEORGE TWIDDEL.
From this I conclude that Dr Twiddel is on the
festive side of forty,
he reflected; there are elements
of mystery and a general atmosphere of alcohol about
it, but that’s all, I’m afraid.
He put it back in the drawer, but the bill he slipped into his pocket.
And now,
thought he, it is time I made the first
move.
After waiting for a minute or two to make sure that everything was quiet, he gently stepped out into a little linoleum-carpeted hall. On the right hand was the front door, on the left two others that must, he thought, open into rooms on the back. He chose the nearer at a venture, and entered boldly. It was quite dark. He closed the door again softly, struck a match, and looked round the room. It seemed to be Dr Twiddel’s dining- and sitting-room.
Pipes, photographs, well-sat-in chairs,
he observed,
and a window.
He pulled aside the blind and looked out into the darkness of a strip of back-garden. For a minute he listened intently, but no sound came from the house. Then he threw up the sash and scrambled out. It was quite dark by this time: he was enclosed between two rows of vague, black houses, with bright windows here and there, and chimney-cans faintly cutting their uncouth designs among a few pale London stars. The space between was filled with the two lines of little gardens and the ranks of walls, and in the middle the black chasm of a railway cutting.
A frightened cat bolted before him as he hurried down
to the foot of the strip, but that was all the life he saw.
He looked over the wall right into the deep crevasse.
A little way off, on the one hand, hung a cluster of
signal-lights, and the shining rails reflected them all along to
It’s a choice between a hurdle-race through these
gardens, a cat-walk along this wall, and a descent into
the cutting,
he reflected. The walls look devilish high
and the cutting devilish deep. Hang me if I know
which road to take.
While he was still debating this somewhat perplexing question, he felt the ground begin to quiver under him. Through the hum of London there gradually arose a louder roar, and in a minute the head-lights of an engine flashed out of the tunnel. One after another a string of bright carriages followed it, each more slowly than the carriage in front, till the whole train was at a standstill below him with the red signal-lamp against it.
In an instant his decision was taken. At the peril of life and garments he scrambled down the rocky bank, picking as he went an empty first-class compartment, and just as the train began to move again he swung himself up and sprang into a carriage.
Unfortunately he had chosen the wrong one in his haste, and as he opened the door he saw a comical vision of a stout little old gentleman huddling into the farther corner in the most dire consternation.
Who are you, sir? What do you want, sir?
spluttered
the old gentleman. If you come any nearer me,
sir—one step, sir!—I shall instantly communicate with
the guard! I have no money about me. Go away,
sir!
I regret to learn that you have no money,
replied
Mr Bunker, imperturbably; but I am sorry that I am
not at present in a condition to offer a loan.
He sat down and smiled amicably, but the little gentleman was not to be quieted so easily. Seeing that no violence was apparently intended, his fright changed into respectable indignation.
You needn’t try to be funny with me, sir. You are
committing an illegal act. You have placed yourself in
an uncommonly serious position, sir.
Indeed, sir?
replied Mr Bunker. I myself should
have imagined that by remaining on the rails I should
have been much more seriously situated.
The old gentleman looked at him like an angry small dog that longs to bite if it only dared.
What is the meaning of this illegal intrusion?
he
demanded. Who are you? Where did you come
from?
I had the misfortune, sir,
explained Mr Bunker,
politely, to drop my hat out of the window of a neighbouring
carriage. While I was picking it up the train started,
and I had to enter the first compartment I could find. I
am sorry that my entry frightened you.
Frightened me!
spluttered the old gentleman. I
am not afraid, sir. I am an honest man who need fear
no one, sir. I do not believe you dropped your hat. It
is perfectly uninjured.
It may be news to you, sir,
replied Mr Bunker,
that by gently yet firmly passing the sleeve of your coat
round your hat in the direction of the nap, it is possible
and suiting the action to
the word he took off his hat, drew his coat-sleeve across
it, and with a genial smile at the old gentleman, replaced
it on his head.
But his neighbour was evidently of that truculent disposition
which merely growls at blandishments. He
snorted and replied testily, That is all very well, sir, but
I don’t believe a word of it.
If you prefer it, then, I fell off the telegraph wires in
an attempt to recover my boots.
The old gentleman became purple in the face.
Have a care, sir! I am a director of this company,
and at the next station I shall see that you give a proper
account of yourself. And here we are, sir. I trust you
have a more credible story in readiness.
As he spoke they drew up beside an underground
platform, and the irascible old gentleman, with a very
threatening face that was not yet quite cleared of alarm,
bustled out in a prodigious hurry. Mr Bunker lay back
in his seat and replied with a smile, I shall be delighted
to tell any story within the bounds of strict propriety.
But the moment he saw the irate director disappear in the crowd he whipped out too, and with the least possible delay transferred himself into a third-class carriage.
From his seat near the window he watched the old
gentleman hurry back with three officials at his heels,
and hastily search each first-class compartment in turn.
The last one was so near him that he could hear his friend
say, Damn it, the rascal has bolted in the crowd!
Well, whoever I am, it would seem I’m rather
difficult to catch.
Mr Bunker arrived at the Hôtel Mayonaise in what, from his appearance, was an unusually reflective state of mind for him. The other visitors, many of whom had begun to regard him and his noble friend with great interest, saw him pass through the crowd in the hall and about the lifts with a thoughtful air. He went straight to the Baron’s room. Outside the door he paused for an instant to set his face in a cheerful smile, and then burst gaily in upon his friend.
Well, my dear Baron!
he cried, what luck in the
Park?
The Baron was pulling his moustache over an English novel. He laid down his book and frowned at Mr Bunker.
I do not onderstand your English vays,
he replied.
Mr Bunker perceived that something was very much
amiss, nor was he without a suspicion of the cause. He
laughed, however, and asked, What’s the matter, old
man?
I vent to ze Park,
said the Baron, with a solemn
deliberation that evidently came hardly to him. I
My dear Baron!
expostulated Mr Bunker.
The Baron resumed his intense composure with a great effort.
Not long vas ven I see ze Lady Hilton drive past mit
ze ozzer Lady Hilton and vun old lady. I raise my
hat—no bow from zem.
Pairhaps,
I zink, zey see me
not.
Zey stop by ze side to speak viz a gentleman. I
gomed up and again I raise my hat and I say, How do
you do, Lady Hilton? I hope you are regovered from
ze dance.
Zat was gorrect, vas it not?
Perfectly,
replied Mr Bunker, with great gravity.
Zen vy did ze Lady Hilton schream and ze ozzer
Lady Hilton cry,
Ach, zat German man!
And vy did
ze old lady schream to ze gentleman, Send him avay!
How dare you? Insolence!
and suchlike vords?
What remarkable conduct, my dear Baron!
said
Mr Bunker.
Remargable!
roared the justly incensed Baron.
Is it not more zan
remargable? Donner und blitzen!
Mon Dieu! Blood! I know not ze English vord so bad
enoff for soch conduct.
It must have been a joke,
his friend suggested,
soothingly.
Vun dashed bad joke, zen! Ze gentleman said to
me,
Get out of zis, you rasgal!
Vat mean you, sare?
say I. You know quite vell,
said he. Glear out!
Adieu, madame, I know now ze English lady,
and I valk on. Himmel!
What a very extraordinary affair, Baron!
The Baron grunted with inarticulate indignation and
nearly pulled his moustache out by the roots. Abruptly
he broke out again, English ladies? I do not believe
zey are ladies! Never haf I been treated zo! Vat do
you mean, Bonker, by taking me among soch peoples?
I, my dear Baron?
It was not I who introduced
you to the Hiltons. I never saw them before.
The difficulty of attaching any blame to his friend seemed to have anything but a soothing effect on the Baron. You could almost fancy that you heard his tail lash the floor.
Zat vas not all,
he continued, after a short struggle
with his wrath. I valked on, and soon I see two of ze
frients I made last night at supper.
Which two?
Ze yong man zat spoke to you ven you rise from ze
table, and vun of ze ladies. Again I raise my hat and
say,
How do you do? I hope zat you are regovered
from ze dance.
Zat is gorrect, you say?
Under most circumstances.
Ze man stared at me, and ze voman—I vill not say
lady—says to him zo zat I can hear,
Zat awful German!
Ze man says, Zo it is,
and laughed. I haf ze pleasure
of meeting you last night at ze Lady Tollyvoddle,
I said.
I remember,
he said; but I haf no vish to meet you
again.
I take out my card to gif him, but he only said,
Go avay, or I vill call ze police!
Ze police! To me,
Baron von Blitzenberg! Teufel!
I replied.
And that was all, Baron?
asked Mr Bunker, in
what seemed rather like a tone of relief.
No; suddenly he did turn back and said,
By ze vay,
who vas zat viz you last night?
To vich I replied,
If you address me again, my man, I vill call ze police.
Go avay!
Bravo, Baron! Ha, ha, ha! Excellent!
laughed
Mr Bunker.
This applause served to reinstate the Baron a little in his own good opinion. He laughed too, though rather noisily than heartily, and suddenly became grave again.
Vat means zis, Bonker? Vat haf I done? Vy
should zey treat me zo?
Well, you see, my dear Baron,
his friend explained,
I ought to have warned you that it is not usual in England
to address ladies you have met at a dance without
some direct invitation on their part. At the same time,
it is evident that the Hiltons and the other man, who of
course must be connected with the Foreign Office, are
aware of some sudden strain in the diplomatic relations
between England and Germany, which as yet is unknown
to the public. Your ancient name and your high rank
have naturally led them to conclude that you are an agent
of the German Government, and an international significance
was of course attached to your presence in the
Park. I certainly think they took a most outrageous
Zo?
said the Baron, thoughtfully. I begin to
onderstand. My name, as you say, is cairtainly distinguished.
Bot zen should I remain in London?
Just what I was wondering, Baron. What do you
say to a trip down to St Egbert’s-on-Sea? It’s a very
select watering-place, and we might spend a week or two
there very pleasantly.
Egxellent!
said the Baron; ven shall we start?
To-morrow morning.
Goot! zo let it be. I am tired of London and of ze
English ladies’ manners. Police to ze Baron von Blitzenberg!
Ve shall go to St Egbert’s, Bonker!
The Baron and Mr Bunker walked arm-in-arm along the esplanade at St Egbert’s-on-Sea.
Aha!
said the Baron, zis is more fresh zan
London!
Yes,
replied his friend; we are now in the presence
of that stimulating element which provides patriotic Britons
with music-hall songs, and dyspeptic Britons with an
appetite.
A stirring breeze swept down the long white esplanade,
threatening hats and troubling skirts; the pale-green
south-coast sea rumbled up the shingle; the day was
bright and pleasant for the time of year, and drove the
Baron’s mischances from his head; altogether it seemed
to Mr Bunker that the omens were good. They were
both dressed in the smartest of tweed suits, and walked
jauntily, like men who knew their own value. Every
now and then, as they passed a pretty face, the Baron
would say, Aha, Bonker! zat is not so bad, eh?
And Mr Bunker, who seemed not unwilling that his friend should find some entertaining distraction in St Egbert’s, would look at the owners of these faces with a prospector’s eye and his own unrivalled assurance.
They had walked up and down three or four times, when a desire for a different species of diversion began to overtake the Baron. It was the one kind of desire that the Baron never even tried to wrestle with.
My vriend Bonker,
said he, is it not somevere
about time for loncheon, eh?
I should say it was precisely the hour.
Ha, ha! zen, let us gom and eat. Himmel, zis sea
is ze fellow to make von hungry!
The Baron had taken a private suite of rooms on the first floor of the best hotel in St Egbert’s, and after a very substantial lunch Mr Bunker stretched himself on the luxurious sitting-room sofa and announced his intention of having a nap.
I shall go out,
said the Baron. You vill not gom?
I shall leave you to make a single-handed conquest,
replied Mr Bunker. Besides, I have a little matter I
want to look into.
So the Baron arranged his hat airily, at what he had perceived to be the most fashionable and effective English angle, and strutted off to the esplanade.
It was about two hours later that he burst excitedly
into the room, crying, Aha, mine Bonker! I haf disgovered
zomzing!
and then he stopped in some surprise.
Ello, vat make you, my vriend?
His friend, in fact, seemed to be somewhat singularly
employed. Through a dense cloud of tobacco-smoke you
could just pick him out of the depths of an armchair,
his feet resting on the mantelpiece, while his lap and all
the floor round about were covered with immense books.
He looked up with a smile. You may well wonder,
my dear Baron. The fact is, I am looking for a name.
A name! vat name?
Alas! if I knew what it was I should stop looking,
and I confess I’m rather sick of the job.
Vich vay do you look, zen?
Simply by wading my way through all the lists of
names I could steal or borrow. It’s devilish dry work.
Ze name of a vriend, is it?
Yes; but I’m afraid I must wait till it comes. And
what is this discovery, Baron? A petticoat, I presume.
After all, they are the only things worth finding,
and he
shut the books one after another.
A petticoat with ze fairest girl inside it!
exclaimed
the Baron, rapturously.
Your eyes seem to have been singularly penetrating,
Baron. Was she dark or fair, tall or short, fat or slender,
widow, wife, or maid?
Fair, viz blue eyes, short pairhaps but not too short,
slender as a—a—drom-stick, and I vould say a maid; at
least I see vun stout old lady mit her, mozzer and daughter
I soppose.
And did this piece of perfection seem to appreciate
you?
Vy should I know? Zey are ze real ladies and pairtend
lady vriends,
Bonker, ha, ha, ha!
Mr Bunker laughed with reminiscent amusement,
and inquired, And how did the romance end—in a cab,
Baron?
Ha, ha, ha!
laughed the Baron; better zan zat,
Bonker—moch better!
Mr Bunker raised his eyebrows.
It’s hardly the time of year for a romance to end in
a bathing-machine. You followed the divinity to her
rented heaven, perhaps?
The Baron bent forward and answered in a stage
whisper, Zey live in zis hotel, Bonker!
Then I can only wish you joy, Baron, and if my
funds allow me, send her a wedding present.
Ach, not quite so fast, my vriend! I am not caught
so easy.
My dear fellow, a week at close quarters is sufficient
to net any man.
Ven I marry,
replied the Baron, moch most be considered.
A von Blitzenberg does not mate viz every vun.
A good many families have made the same remark,
but one does not always meet the fathers-in-law.
Ha, ha! ve shall see. Bot, Bonker, she is lofly!
The Baron awaited dinner with even more than his usual ardour. He dressed with the greatest care, and at an absurdly early hour was already urging his friend to come down and take their places. Indeed after a time there was no withholding him, and they finally took their seats in the dining-room before anybody else.
At what seemed to the impatient Baron unconscionably long intervals a few people dropped in and began to study their menus and glance with an air of uncomfortable suspicion at their neighbours.
I vonder vill she gom,
he said three or four times at
least.
Console yourself, my dear Baron,
his friend would
reply; they always come. That’s seldom the difficulty.
And the Baron would dally with his victuals in the most unwonted fashion, and growl at the rapidity with which the courses followed one another.
Do zey suppose ve vish to eat like&qdash;?
he began,
and then laying his hand on his friend’s sleeve, he whispered,
She goms!
Mr Bunker turned his head just in time to see in the doorway the Countess of Grillyer and the Lady Alicia à Fyre.
Is she not fair?
asked the Baron, excitedly.
I entirely approve of your taste, Baron. I have only
once seen any one quite like her before.
With a gratified smile the Baron filled his glass, while his friend seemed amused by some humorous reflection of his own.
The Lady Alicia and her mother had taken their seats
at a table a little way off, and at first their eyes never
happened to turn in the direction of the two friends.
But at last, after looking at the ceiling, the carpet, the
walls, the other people, everything else in the room it
seemed, Lady Alicia’s glance fell for an instant on the
Baron. That nobleman looked as interesting as a
The glance fell, and the Lady Alicia blushed down to the diamonds in her necklace.
The Baron insisted on lingering over his dinner till the charmer was finished, and so by a fortuitous coincidence they left the room immediately behind the Countess. The Baron passed them in the passage, and a few yards farther he looked round for his friend, and the Countess turned to look for her daughter.
They saw Lady Alicia following with an intensely unconscious expression, while Mr Bunker was in the act of returning to the dining-room.
I wanted to secure a table for breakfast,
he explained.
The Baron was in high hopes of seeing the fair unknown at breakfast, but it seemed she must be either breakfasting in her own room or lying long abed.
I think I shall go out for a little constitutional,
said
Mr Bunker, when he had finished. I suppose the hotel
has a stronger attraction for you.
Ach, yes, I shall remain,
his friend replied. Pairhaps
I may see zem.
Take care then, Baron!
I shall not propose till you return, Bonker!
No,
said Mr Bunker to himself, I don’t think
you will.
Just outside St Egbert’s there is a high breezy sweep of downs, falling suddenly to a chalky seaward cliff. It overlooks the town and the undulating inland country and a great spread of shining sea; and even without a spy-glass you can see sail after sail and smoke-wreath after smoke-wreath go by all day long.
But Mr Bunker had apparently walked there for other
reasons than to see the view. He did stop once or twice,
but it was only to scan the downs ahead, and at the sight
of a fluttering skirt he showed no interest in anything
else, but made a straight line for its owner. For her part,
the lady seemed to await his coming. She gathered her
countenance into an expression of as perfect unconcern
as a little heightening of her colour would allow her, and
returned his salute with rather a distant bow. But Mr
Bunker was not to be damped by this hint of barbed wire.
He held out his hand and exclaimed cordially, My dear
Lady Alicia! this is charming of you!
Of course you understand, Mr Beveridge, it’s only&qdash;
Perfectly,
he interrupted, gaily; I understand
everything I should and nothing I shouldn’t. In fact, I
have altered little, except in the trifling matter of a beard,
a moustache or two, and, by the way, a name.
A name?
I am now Francis Bunker, but as much at your
service as ever.
But why—I mean, have you really changed your
name?
Circumstances have changed it, just as circumstances
shaved me.
Lady Alicia made a great endeavour to look haughty.
I do not quite understand, Mr&qdash;
Bunker—a temporary title, but suggestive, and simple
for the tradesmen.
I do not understand your conduct. Why have you
changed your name?
Why not?
This retort was so evidently unanswerable that Lady Alicia changed her inquiry.
Where have you been?
Till yesterday, in London.
Then you didn’t go to your own parish?
she demanded,
reproachfully.
There were difficulties,
he replied; in fact, a certified
lunatic is not in great demand as a parish priest. They
seem to prefer them uncertified.
But didn’t you try?
Hard, but it was no use. The bishop was out of
town, and I had to wait till his return; besides, my position
was somewhat insecure. I have had at least two
remarkable escapes since I saw you last.
Are you safe here?
she asked, hurriedly.
With your consent, yes.
She looked a little troubled. I don’t know that I am
doing right, Mr Bev—Bunker, but&qdash;
Thank you, my friend,
he interrupted, tenderly.
Don’t,
she began, hastily. You mustn’t talk
like&qdash;
Francis Beveridge?
he interrupted. The trouble
is, this rascal Bunker bears an unconscionably awkward
resemblance to our old friend.
You must see that it is quite—ridiculous.
Absurd,
he agreed,—perfectly preposterous. I
laugh whenever I think of it!
Poor Lady Alicia felt like a man at a telephone who has been connected with the wrong person. Again she made a desperate shift to fall back on a becoming pride.
What do you mean?
she demanded.
If I mean anything at all, which is always rather
doubtful,
he replied, candidly, I mean that Beveridge
and his humbug were creatures of an occasion, just as
Bunker and his are of another. The one occasion is
passed, and with it the first entertaining gentleman has
vanished into space. The second gentleman will doubtless
follow when his time is up. In fact, I may be said
to be a series of dissolving views.
Then isn’t what you said true?
I’m afraid you must be more specific; you see I’ve
talked so much.
What you said about yourself—and your work.
He shook his head humorously. I have no means of
checking my statements.
She looked at him in a troubled way, and then her eyes fell.
At least,
she said, you won’t—you
mustn’t treat me as—as you did.
As Beveridge did? Certainly not; Bunker is the
soul of circumspection. Besides, he doesn’t require to
get out of an asylum.
Then it was only to get away?
she cried, turning
scarlet.
Let us call it so,
he replied, looking pensively out to
sea.
It seemed wiser to Lady Alicia to change the subject.
Who is the friend you are staying with?
she asked,
suddenly.
My old friend the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg,
and your own most recent admirer,
he replied. I am
at present living with, in fact I may say upon, him.
Does he know?
If you meet him, you had perhaps better not inquire
into my past history.
I meant, does he know about—about your knowing
me?
Bless them!
thought Mr Bunker; one forgets they’re
not
always thinking about us!
My noble friend has no idea that I have been so
fortunate,
he replied.
Lady Alicia looked relieved. Who is he?
she
asked.
A German nobleman of great wealth, long descent,
and the most accommodating disposition. He is at
present exploring England under my guidance, and I
flatter myself that he has already seen and done a number
of things that are not on most programmes.
Lady Alicia was silent for a minute. Then she said
Didn’t you get a letter from
me?
A letter? No,
he replied, in some surprise.
I wrote twice—because you asked me to, and I
thought—I wondered if you were safe.
To what address did you write?
The address you gave me.
And what was that?
he asked, still evidently puzzled.
You said care of the Archbishop of York would find
you.
Mr Bunker abruptly looked the other way.
By Jove!
he said, as if lost in speculation, I must
find out what the matter was. I can’t imagine why they
haven’t been forwarded.
Lady Alicia appeared a little dissatisfied.
Was that
a
she
asked, suddenly.real address?
Perfectly,
he replied; as real as Pentonville Jail or
the House of Commons.
(And as likely to find me,
he added to himself.)
Lady Alicia seemed to hesitate whether to pursue the
subject further, but in the middle of her debate Mr Bunker
asked, By the way, has Lady Grillyer any recollection
of having seen me before?
No, she doesn’t remember you at all.
Then we shall meet as strangers?
Yes, I think it would be better; don’t you?
It will save our imaginations certainly.
Lady Alicia looked at him as though she expected
something more; but as nothing came, she said, I think
it’s time I went back.
For the present then
au
revoir, my dear Alicia. I
beg your pardon, Lady Alicia; it was that rascal Beveridge
who made the slip. It now remains to make your
formal acquaintance.
You—you mustn’t try!
The deuce is in these people beginning with B!
he laughed. They seem to do things without trying.
He pressed her hand, raised his hat, and started back to the town. She, on her part, lingered to let him get a clear start of her, and her blue eyes looked as though a breeze had blown across and ruffled them.
Mr Bunker had reached the esplanade, and was sauntering easily back towards the hotel, looking at the people and smiling now and then to himself, when he observed with considerable astonishment two familiar figures strolling towards him. They were none other than the Baron and the Countess, engaged in animated conversation, and apparently on the very best terms with each other. At the sight of him the Baron beamed joyfully.
Aha, Bonker, so you haf returned!
he cried. In
ze meanvile I haf had vun great good fortune. Let me
present my friend Mr Bonker, ze Lady Grillyer.
The Countess bowed most graciously, and raising a pair of tortoise-shell-rimmed eye-glasses mounted on a stem of the same material, looked at Mr Bunker through these with a by no means disapproving glance.
At first sight it was evident that Lady Alicia must
take after
her noble father. The Countess was
aquiline of nose, large of person, and emphatic in her
voice and manner.
You are the
she said, with a smile for which many of her acquaintances
would have given a tolerable percentage of their
incomes.showman,
Mr Bunker, are you not?
It seems,
replied Mr Bunker, smiling back agreeably,
that the Baron is now the showman, and I must
congratulate him on his first venture.
For an instant the Countess seemed a trifle taken aback.
It was a considerable number of years since she had
been addressed in precisely this strain, and in fact at
no time had her admirers ventured quite so dashingly to
the attack. But there was something entirely irresistible
in Mr Bunker’s manner, partly perhaps because he never
made the mistake of heeding a first rebuff. The Countess
coughed, then smiled a little again, and said to the Baron,
You didn’t tell me that your showman supplied the
little speeches as well.
I could not know it; zere has not before been ze reason
for a pretty speech,
responded the Baron, gallantly.
If Lady Grillyer had been anybody else, one would have said that she actually giggled. Certainly a little wave of scandalised satisfaction rippled all over her.
Oh, really!
she cried, I don’t know which of you
is the worst offender.
All this time, as may be imagined, Mr Bunker had been in a state of high mystification at his friend’s unusual adroitness.
How the deuce did he get hold of her?
he said to
himself.
In the next pause the Baron solved the riddle.
You vil vunder, Bonker,
he said, how I did gom to
know ze Lady Grillyer.
I envied, certainly,
replied his friend, with a side
glance at the now purring Countess.
She vas of my introdogtions, bot till after you vent
out zis morning I did not lairn her name. Zen I said to
myself,
Ze sun shines, Himmel is kind! Here now is ze
fair Lady Grillyer—my introdogtion!
and zo zat is how,
you see.
To think of the Baron being here and our only finding
each other out by chance!
said the Countess.
By a fortunate providence for me!
exclaimed the
Baron, fervently.
Baron,
said the Countess, trying hard to look severe,
you must really keep some of these nice speeches for
my daughter. Which reminds me, I wonder where she
can be?
Ach, here she goms!
cried the Baron.
Why, how did you know her?
asked the Countess.
I—I did see her last night at dinnair,
explained the
Baron, turning red.
Ah, of course, I remember,
replied the Countess,
in a matter-of-fact tone; but her motherly eye was sharp,
and already it began to look on the highly eligible Rudolph
with more approval than ever.
My daughter Alicia, the Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg,
Mr Bunker,
she said the next moment.
The Baron went nearly double as he bowed, and the
flourish of his hat stirred the dust on the esplanade. Mr
Bunker’s salutation was less profound, but his face expressed
Alicia,
said the Countess, it was really a most
fortunate coincidence our meeting the Baron at St Egbert’s.
She paused for a reply and looked expectantly at her
daughter. It was not the first time in the course of the
morning that Lady Alicia had listened to similar observations,
and perhaps that was why she answered somewhat
listlessly, Yes, wasn’t it?
The Countess frowned, and continued with emphasis,
I consider him one of the most agreeable and best
informed young men I have ever met.
Is he?
said Lady Alicia, absently.
I wonder, Alicia, you hadn’t noticed it,
her mother
observed, severely; you talked with him most of the
afternoon. I should have thought that no observant,
well-bred girl would have failed to have been struck with
his air and conversation.
I—I thought him very pleasant, mamma.
I am glad you had so much sense. He
is
extremely
pleasant.
As Lady Alicia made no reply, the Countess felt obliged to continue his list of virtues herself.
He is of most excellent family, Alicia, one of the
oldest in Bavaria. I don’t remember what I heard his
income was in pfennigs, or whatever they measure money
by in Germany, but I know that it is more than £20,000
a-year in English money. A very large sum nowadays,
she added, as if £20,000 had grown since she was a
girl.
Yes, mamma.
He is considered, besides, an unusually promising
and intelligent young nobleman, and in Germany, where
noblemen are still constantly used, that says a great deal
for him.
Does it, mamma?
Certainly it does. Education there is so severe that
young Englishmen are beginning to know less than they
ever did, and in most cases that isn’t saying much. Compare
the Baron with the young men you meet here!
She looked at her daughter triumphantly, and Alicia
could only reply, Yes, mamma?
Compare them and see the difference. Look at the
Baron’s friend, Mr Bunker, who is a very agreeable and
amusing man, I admit, but look at the difference!
What is it?
Alicia could not help asking.
What is it, Alicia!
It is—ah—it’s—er—it is, in
short, the effect of a carefully cultivated mind and good
blood.
But don’t you think Mr Bunker cultivated,
mamma—and—and—well-bred?
He has an amusing way of saying things,—but then
you must remember that the Baron is doubtless equally
entertaining in his native language,—and possibly a
superficial knowledge of a few of the leading questions
of the day; but the Baron talked to me for half an hour
on the relations of something or other in Germany
to—er—something else—a very important point,
I assure you.
I always thought him very clever,
said Lady Alicia
with a touch of warmth, and then instantly changed
colour at the horrible slip.
You always,
said the Countess in alarmed astonishment;
you hardly spoke to him yesterday, and—had
you met him before?
I—I meant the Baron, mamma.
But I have just been saying that he
was
unusually
clever.
But I thought, I mean it seemed as though you considered
him only well informed.
Lady Alicia’s blushes and confusion deepened. Her
mother looked at her with a softening eye. Suddenly
she rose, kissed her affectionately, and said with the tenderness
of triumph, My
dear girl!
Of course he is; clever, well informed, and a
most desirable young man.
My Alicia could not do&qdash;
She stopped, as if she thought this was perhaps a little
premature (though the Countess’s methods inclined to
the summary and decisive), and again kissing her daughter
Let me see, why, it’s
almost time we went for our little walk! We mustn’t
really disappoint those young men. I am in the middle
of such an amusing discussion with Mr Bunker, who is
really a very sensible man and quite worthy of the Baron’s
judgment.
Poor Lady Alicia hardly knew whether to feel more relieved at her escape or dismayed at the construction put upon her explanation. She went out to meet the Baron, determined to give no further colour to her mother’s unlucky misconception. The Countess was far too experienced and determined a general to leave it at all doubtful who should walk by whose side, and who should have the opportunity of appreciating whose merits, but Lady Alicia was quite resolved that the Baron’s blandishments should fall on stony ground.
But a soft heart and an undecided mouth are treacherous companions. The Baron was so amiable and so gallant, that at the end of half an hour she was obliged to abate the strictness of her resolution. She should treat him with the friendliness of a brother. She learned that he had no sisters: her decision was confirmed.
The enamoured and delighted Baron was in the seventh heaven of happy loquacity. He poured out particulars of his travels, his more recordable adventures, his opinions on various social and political matters, and at last even of the family ghost, the hereditary carpet-beatership, and the glories of Bavaria. And Lady Alicia listened with what he could not doubt was an interest touched with tenderness.
I wonder,
she said, artlessly, that you find anything
to admire in England—compared with Bavaria,
I mean.
Two zings I haf not zere,
replied the Baron, waving
his hand round towards the horizon. Vun is ze vet
sheet of flowing sea—says not your poet so? Ze ozzer
(laying his hand on his heart) is ze Lady Alicia à Fyre.
There are some people who catch sentiment whenever it happens to be in the air, just as others almost equally unfortunate regularly take hay-fever.
Lady Alicia’s reply was much softer than she intended, especially as she could have told anybody that the Baron’s compliment was the merest figure of speech.
You needn’t have included me: I’m
sure
I’m not a
great attraction.
Ze sea is less, so zat leaves none,
the Baron smiled.
Didn’t you see anybody—I mean, anything in London
that attracted you—that you liked?
Zat I liked, yes, zat pairhaps for the moment attracted
me; but not zat shall still attract me ven I am
gone avay.
The Baron sighed this time, and she felt impelled to
reply, with the most sisterly kindness, I—we should,
of course, like to think that you didn’t forget
us
altogether.
You need not fear.
Then Lady Alicia began to realise that this was more
like a second cousin than a brother, and with sudden
sprightliness she cried, I wonder where that steamer’s
going!
The Baron turned his eyes towards his first-named
attraction, but for a professed lover of the ocean his
interest appeared slight. He only replied absently,
Ach, zo?
A little way behind them walked Mr Bunker and the
Countess. The attention of Lady Grillyer was divided
between the agreeable conversation of her companion
and the pleasant spectacle of a fabulous number of
pfennigs a-year bending its titled head over her daughter.
In the middle of one of Mr Bunker’s most amusing
stories she could not forbear interrupting with a complacent
they
do make a very
handsome couple!
Mr Bunker politely stopped his narrative, and looked critically from his friend’s gaily checked back to Lady Alicia’s trim figure.
Pray go on with your story, Mr Bunker,
said the
Countess, hastily, realising that she had thought a little
too loudly.
They are like,
responded Mr Bunker, replying to
her first remark—they are like a pair of gloves.
The Countess raised her brows and looked at him sharply.
I mean, of course, the best quality.
I think,
said the Countess, suspiciously, that you
spoke a little carelessly.
My simile was a little premature?
I think so,
said the Countess, decisively.
Let us call them then an odd pair,
smiled Mr Bunker,
unruffled; and only hope that they’ll turn out to be the
same size and different hands.
The Countess actually condescended to smile back.
She is a
she murmured.dear
child,
His income, I think, is sufficient,
he answered.
Humour was not conspicuous in the Grillyer family.
The Countess replied seriously, I am one of those out-of-date
people, Mr Bunker, who consider some things
come before money, but the Baron’s birth and position
are fortunately unimpeachable.
While his mental qualities,
said Mr Bunker, are,
in my experience, almost unique.
The Countess was confirmed in her opinion of Mr Bunker’s discrimination.
Late that night, after they had parted with their friends,
the Baron smoked in the most unwonted silence while
Mr Bunker dozed on the sofa. Several times Rudolph
threw restive glances at his friend, as if he had something
on his mind that he needed a helping hand to unburden
himself of. At last the silence grew so intolerable that
he screwed up his courage and with desperate resolution
exclaimed, Bonker!
Mr Bunker opened his eyes and sat up.
Bonker, I am in loff!
Mr Bunker smiled and stretched himself out again.
I have also been in love,
he replied.
You are not now?
Alas! no.
Vy alas?
Because follies
without
illusions get so infernally dull, Baron.
The Baron smiled a little foolishly.
I haf ze illusions, I fear.
Then he broke out
enthusiastically, Ach, bot is she not lofly, Bonker?
If she will bot lof me back I shall be ze happiest man
out of heaven!
You have wasted no time, Baron.
The Baron shook his head in melancholy pleasure.
You are quite sure it is really love this time?
his
friend pursued.
Qvite!
said the Baron, with the firmness of a martyr.
There are so many imitations.
Not so close zat zey can deceive!
Ha, ha, ha!
laughed Mr Bunker. These first
symptoms are common to them all, and yet the varieties
of the disease are almost beyond counting. I myself
have suffered from it in eight different forms. There
was the virulent, spotted-all-over variety, known as
calf-love; there was the kind that accompanied itself by
a course of the Restoration dramatists; another form I
may call the strayed-Platonic, and that may be subdivided
into at least two; then there was&qdash;
Schtop! schtop!
cried the Baron. Ha, ha, ha!
Zat will do! Teufel! I most examine my heart strictly.
And yet, Bonker, I zink my loff is anozzer kind—ze
real!
They are all that, Baron; but have it your own way.
Anything I can do to make you worse shall be done.
Zanks, my best of friends,
said the Baron, warmly,
seizing his hand; I knew you would stand by me!
Mr Bunker gave a little laugh, and returning the pressure,
replied, My dear fellow, I’d do anything to oblige
a friend in such an interesting condition.
The Baron was a few minutes late in joining the party at lunch, and when he appeared he held an open letter in his hand. It was only the middle of the next day, and yet he could have sworn that last night he was comparatively whole-hearted, he felt so very much more in love already.
Yet anozzer introdogtion has found me out,
he said
as he took his seat. I have here a letter of invitation
vich I do not zink I shall accept.
He threw an amorous glance at Lady Alicia, which her watchful mother rightly interpreted as indicating the cause of his intended refusal.
Who is it this time?
asked Mr Bunker.
Sir Richard Brierley of Brierley Park, Dampshire.
Is zat how you pronounce it?
Sir Richard Brierley!
exclaimed the Countess;
why, Alicia and I are going to visit some relatives of
ours who live only six miles from Brierley Park! When
has he asked you, Baron?
Ze end of next week.
How odd! We are going down to Dampshire at the
end of next week too. You must accept, Baron!
I shall!
exclaimed the overjoyed Baron. Shall
ve go, Bonker?
I’m not asked, I’m afraid.
Ach, bot zat is nozzing. I shall tell him.
As you please, Baron,
replied Mr Bunker, with a
half glance at Lady Alicia.
The infatuated Baron had already begun to dread the inevitable hour of separation, and this piece of good fortune put him into the highest spirits. He felt so amiable towards the whole world that when the four went out for a stroll in the afternoon he lingered for a minute by Lady Grillyer’s side, and in that minute Mr Bunker and Lady Alicia were out of hail ahead. The Baron’s face fell.
Shall I come down to this place?
said Mr Bunker.
Would you like to?
I should be sorry,
he replied, to part with—the
Baron.
Lady Alicia had expected a slightly different ending to this sentence, and so, to tell the truth, Mr Bunker had intended.
Oh, if you can’t stay away from the Baron, you had
better go.
It is certainly very hard to tear myself away from so
charming a person as the Baron; perhaps you can feel
for me?
I think he is very—nice.
He thinks you very nice.
Does he?
said Lady Alicia, with great indifference,
and a moment later changed the subject.
Meanwhile the Baron was growing very uneasy. Of
course it was quite natural that Mr Bunker should find
it pleasant to walk for a few minutes by the side of the
fairest creature on earth, and very possibly he was artfully
Need we walk quite so fast, Baron?
she suggested;
and Lady Grillyer’s suggestions were of the kind that are
evidently meant to be acted upon.
Ach, I did forged,
said the Baron, absently, and
without further remark he slackened his pace for a few
yards and then was off again.
You were telling me,
gasped the Countess, of something
you thought of—doing when—you went—home.
Zo? Oh yes, it vas—Teufel! I do not remember.
Really, Baron,
said the Countess, decidedly, I
cannot go any farther at this rate. Let us turn. The
others will be turning too, in a minute.
In fact the unlucky Baron had clean run Lady Grillyer’s maternal instincts off their feet, and he suffered for it by seeing nothing of either his friend or his charmer for an hour and a half.
That night he accepted Sir Richard’s invitation, but said nothing whatever about bringing a friend.
For the next week Rudolph was in as many states of
mind as there were hours in each day. He walked and
rode and drove with Lady Alicia through the most romantic
spots he could find. He purchased a large assortment
of golf-clubs, and under her tuition essayed to play
Every now and then the greenest spasms of jealousy would seize him. Why did she elect to disappear with Mr Bunker on the very morning that he had resolved should settle his fate? It is true he had made the same resolution every morning, but on this particular one he had no doubt he would have put his fate to the touch. And why on a certain moonlight evening was he left to the unsentimental company of the Countess?
He made no further reference to the visit to Brierley Park; in fact he shunned discussion of any kind with his quondam bosom friend.
The time slipped past, till the visit to St Egbert’s was almost at an end. On the day after to-morrow all four were going to leave (where Mr Bunker was going, his friend never troubled to inquire).
They sat together latish in the evening in the Baron’s room. That very afternoon Lady Alicia had spent more time in Mr Bunker’s society than in his, and the Baron felt that the hour had come for an explanation.
Bonker, I haf a suspection!
he exclaimed, suddenly.
It is not I, bot you, who are ze friend to ze beautiful
Lady Alicia. You are not doing me fair!
My dear Baron!
It is so: you are not doing me fair,
the Baron reiterated.
My dear fellow,
replied Mr Bunker, it is you are
so much in love that you have lost your wonted courage.
You don’t use your chances.
I do not get zem.
Nonsense, Baron! I haven’t spent one hour in Lady
Alicia’s company to your twenty-four, and yet if I’d
been matrimonially inclined I could have proposed twice
over. You’ve had the chance of being accepted fifty
times.
I haf not been accepted vunce,
said the Baron,
moodily.
Have you put the question?
I haf not dared.
Well, my dear Baron, whose fault is that?
The Baron was silent.
Ask her to-morrow.
No, Bonker,
said the Baron, sadly; she treats me
not like a lover. She talks of friendship. I do not vish
a frient!
Mr Bunker looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling.
You don’t think you have touched her heart?
he
asked at length.
I fear not.
You must try an infallible recipe for winning a
woman’s heart. You must be in trouble.
In trouble!
I have tried it once myself, with great success.
Bot how?
You must fall ill.
Bot I cannot; I am too healthful, alas!
Mr Bunker smiled artfully. They come to tea in
our rooms to-morrow, you know. By then, Baron, you
must be laid up, ill or not, just as you please. A grain
of Lady Alicia’s sympathy is worth more than a ton of
even your wit.
The standard chosen for the measurement of his wit escaped the Baron, the scheme delighted him.
Ha, Bonker! schön! I tvig! Goot!
he cried. How
shall ve do?
Leave it to me.
The Baron reflected, and his smile died away.
Sopposing,
he said, slowly, zey find out? Is it
vise? Is it straight?
They can’t find out. They go the next morning,
and what’s to prevent your making a quick recovery and
pluckily going down to Brierley Park as the interesting
convalescent? She will know that you’ve made a dangerous
journey on her account.
The Baron’s face cleared again.
Let us try!
he said; anyzing is better zan my present
state. Bot, be careful, Bonker!
I shall take the most minute precautions,
replied
Mr Bunker.
The next morning the two conspirators breakfasted early. The Baron seemed a little nervous now that it came so near the venture, but his friend was as cheerful as a schoolboy, and his confident air soon put fresh courage into Rudolph.
Mr Bunker’s bedroom opened out of their common sitting-room, and so he declared that in the afternoon the Baron must be laid up there.
Keep your room all morning,
he said, and look as
pale as you can. I shall make my room ready for you.
When the Baron had retired, he threw himself into a chair and gazed for a few minutes round his bedroom. Then he rang his bell, ordered the servant to make the bed immediately, and presently went out to do some shopping. On the way he sent word to the Countess, telling her only that the Baron was indisposed, but that in spite of this misfortune he hoped he should have the pleasure of their company at tea. The rest of the morning he spent in his bedroom, prudently keeping out of the ladies’ way.
When, after a substantial lunch which he insisted
upon getting up to eat, the Baron was allowed to enter
the sick-room, he uttered an exclamation of astonishment,—and
indeed his surprise was natural. The room
was as full of flowers as a conservatory; chairs, wardrobe,
Two table-spoonfuls every half hour,
and a medicine-glass
were placed conspicuously on a small table; and,
most remarkable feature of all, Mr Bunker’s bath filled
with water and alive with goldfish stood by the side of
the bed. A couple of canaries sang in a cage by the
window, the half-drawn curtains only permitted the most
delicate light to steal into the room, and in short the
whole arrangement reflected the utmost credit on his
ingenious friend.
The Baron was delighted, but a little puzzled.
Vat for are zese fishes and ze canaries?
he asked.
To show your love of nature.
Vy so?
There is nothing that pleases a woman more.
My friend, you zink of everyzing!
exclaimed the
Baron, admiringly.
When four o’clock approached he drew a night-shirt over his other garments and got into bed. Mr Bunker at first was in favour of a complete change of attire, but on his friend’s expostulating against such a thorough precaution, he admitted that it would be perhaps rather like the historic blacking of Othello.
Leave it all to me, my dear Baron,
he said, reassuringly,
as he tucked him in; and with that he went into
the other room and awaited the arrival of their guests.
They came punctually. The Countess was full of
concern for the dear Baron,
while Lady Alicia, he
could not help thinking, appeared unusually reserved.
She has either been getting a lecture from the dowager
or has found something
out
he said to himself.
However, it seemed that if she had found anything out it could have nothing to do with the Baron’s indisposition, for she displayed the most ingenuous sympathy, and, he thought, she even appeared to aim it pointedly at himself.
So sudden!
exclaimed the Countess.
It is rather sudden, but we’ll hope it may pass as
quickly as it came,
said Mr Bunker, conveying a skilful
impression of deep concern veiled by a cheerful manner.
Tell me honestly, Mr Bunker, is it dangerous?
demanded the countess.
Mr Bunker hesitated, gave a half-hearted laugh, and
replied, Oh, dear, no! that is—at present, Lady Grillyer,
we have really no reason to be alarmed.
I am
murmured Lady Alicia.so sorry,
Her mother looked at her approvingly.
Poor Baron!
she said, in a tone of the greatest commiseration.
So far from home!
sighed Mr Bunker. And yet
so cheerful through it all,
he added.
What did you say was the matter?
asked the Countess.
Mr Bunker had thought it both wiser and more effective to maintain a little mystery round his friend’s malady.
The doctor hasn’t yet given a decided opinion,
he
replied.
Can’t we do anything?
said Lady Alicia, softly.
Mr Bunker thought the guests were nearly worked up to the proper pitch of sympathy.
Poor Rudolph!
he exclaimed. It would cheer
him immensely, I know, and ease my own anxiety as
well, if you would venture in to see him for a few minutes.
In such a case there is no sympathy so welcome as a
woman’s.
The Countess glanced at her daughter, and wavered for an instant between those proprieties for which she was a famous stickler and this admirable chance of completing the Baron’s conquest.
His relations are far away,
said Mr Bunker, looking
pensively out of the window.
We might come in for a few minutes, Alicia?
suggested
Lady Grillyer.
Yes, mamma,
replied Lady Alicia, with an alacrity
that rather surprised their host.
With a pleasantly dejected air he ushered the ladies into the darkened sick-room. The Baron, striving to conceal his exultation under a rueful semblance, greeted them with a languid yet happy smile.
Ah, Lady Grillyer, zis is kind indeed! And you,
Lady Alicia, how can I zank you?
My daughter and I are much distressed, Baron, to
find our host
said the Countess, graciously.hors de
combat,
Just when you wanted to go away too!
added Lady
Alicia, sympathetically.
The Baron emitted a happy blend of sigh and groan.
Alas!
he replied, it is hard indeed.
You must hurry up and get better,
said the Countess,
in her most cheering sick-room manner. It won’t do
to disappoint the Brierleys, you know.
You must come down for
smiled her daughter.part
of the time,
These expressions of sympathy so affected the Baron that he placed his hand on his brow and turned slightly away to conceal his emotion. At the same time Mr Bunker, with well-timed dramatic effect, sank wearily into a chair, and, laying his elbow on the back, hid his own face in his hand.
Their guests jumped to the most alarming conclusions, and looked from one to the other with great concern.
Dear me!
said the Countess, surely it isn’t so very
serious, Mr Bunker; it isn’t
infectious, is it?
The unlucky Baron here made his first mistake: without
waiting for his more diplomatic friend to reply, he
answered hastily, Ach, no, it is bot a cold.
Lady Grillyer’s expression changed.
A cold!
she said. Dear me, that can’t be so very
serious, Baron.
It is a bad cold,
said the Baron.
By this time the ladies’ eyes were growing more used to the dim light, and Mr Bunker could see that they were taking rapid stock of the garnishings.
This, I suppose, is your cough-mixture,
said the
Countess, examining the bottle.
The Baron incautiously admitted it was.
Two table-spoonfuls every half hour!
she exclaimed;
why, I never heard of taking a cough-mixture in such
doses. Besides, your cough doesn’t seem so very bad,
Baron.
Ze doctor told me to take it so,
replied the Baron.
The Countess turned towards Mr Bunker and said,
with a touch of suspicion in her voice, I thought, Mr
Bunker, the doctor had given no opinion.
The Baron threw a glance of intense ferocity at his friend.
In the Baron’s desire to spare your feelings,
replied
Mr Bunker, gravely, he has been a little inaccurate;
that is not precisely an ordinary cough-mixture.
Oh,
said the Countess.
Lady Alicia’s attention had been strongly attracted
by the bath, and suddenly she exclaimed, Why, there
are goldfish in it!
The Baron’s nerve was fast deserting him.
Ze doctor ordered zem,
he began—I mean, I am
fond of fishes.
The Countess looked hard at the unhappy young man, and then turned severely to his friend.
she demanded.What is the matter
with the Baron?
Mr Bunker saw there was nothing for it but heroic measures.
The dog was destroyed at once,
he replied, with
intense gravity. It is therefore impossible to say exactly
what is the matter.
cried
the two ladies together.The dog!
By this evening,
he continued, we shall know the
worst—or the best.
What do you mean?
exclaimed the Countess, withdrawing
a step from the bed.
I mean,
replied Mr Bunker, with a happy inspiration,
that this bath is a delicate test. No victim of the
dread disease of hydrophobia can bear to look&qdash;
But the Countess gave him no time to finish. Even as he was speaking the Baron’s face had passed through a series of the most extraordinary expressions, which she not unnaturally put down to premonitory symptoms.
It’s beginning already!
she shrieked. Alicia, my
love, come quickly. How dare you expose us, sir?
Calm yourselves. I assure you&qdash;
pleaded Mr
Bunker, coming hastily after them, but they were at the
door before him.
The hapless Baron could stand it no longer. Crying,
No, no, it is false!
he sprang out of bed, arrayed in a
tweed suit only half concealed by his night-shirt, and,
forgetting all about the bath, descended with a great
splash among the startled goldfish.
The Countess paused in the half-opened door and looked at him with horror that rapidly passed into intense indignation.
I am not ill!
he cried. It vos zat rascal Bonker’s
plot. He made me! I haf not hydrophobia!
Most unkindest cut of all, Lady Alicia went off into
hysterical giggles. For a moment her mother glared
at the two young men in silence, and then only remarking,
I have never been so insulted before,
she went
out, and her daughter followed her.
As the door closed Mr Bunker went off into roar after
You rascal! you villain!
he shouted, zis is ze end
of our friendship, Bonker! Do you use ze pistols? Tell
me, sare!
My dear Baron,
gasped Mr Bunker, I could not
put such an inartistic end to so fine a joke for the
world.
You vill not fight? Coward! poltroon! I know not
ze English name bad enoff for you!
With difficulty Mr Bunker composed himself and
replied, still smiling: After all, Baron, what harm has
been done? I get all the blame, and the sympathy you
wanted is sure to turn to you.
False friend!
thundered the Baron.
My dear Baron!
said Mr Bunker, mildly, whose
fault was it that the plot miscarried? If you’d only left
it all to me&qdash;
Left it to you! Yes, I left too moch to you! Traitor,
it vas a trick to vin ze Lady Alicia for yourself! Speak
to me nevermore!
And with that the infuriated nobleman
rushed off to his own room.
As there was no further sign of him for the next half hour, Mr Bunker, still smiling to himself at the recollection, went out to take the air; but just as he was about to descend the stairs he spied Lady Alicia lingering in a passage. He turned back and went up to her.
She began at once in a low, hurried voice that seemed to have a strain of anger running beneath it.
I got the two letters I wrote you returned to me to-day
I am not surprised,
he replied.
Then it was false?
As an address it was perfectly genuine, only it didn’t
happen to be mine.
Were you
ever in the Church?
Not to my personal knowledge.
Yet you said you were?
I was in an asylum.
She looked up at him with fine contempt, while he smiled back at her with great amusement.
You have deceived
she said, me,and you have treated your other friend—who
is far too good for you—disgracefully.
Have you anything to say for yourself?
Not a word,
he replied, cheerfully.
You must
never treat
me again as—as I let you.
As a smile played for an instant about his face, she
added quickly, I don’t
suppose I shall ever see you
again. In future we are not
likely to meet.
The lady and the lunatic?
said he. Well, perhaps
not. Good-bye, and better luck.
Good-bye,
she answered coldly, and added as they
parted, my mother, of course, is extremely angry with
you.
There,
he said with a smile, you see I still come in
useful.
She hurried away, and Mr Bunker walked slowly downstairs and out of the hotel.
It seems to me,
he reflected, that I shall have to
set out on my adventures again alone.
The Baron’s natural good temper might have forgiven
his friend, but all night he was a prey to something against
which no temper is proof. The Baron was bitterly jealous.
All through breakfast he never spoke a word, and when
Mr Bunker asked him what train he intended to take,
he replied curtly, as he went to the door, Ze 5.30.
And where do you go now?
Vat is zat to you? I go for a valk. I vould be
alone.
Good-bye, then, Baron,
said Mr Bunker. I think
I shall go up to town.
Go, zen,
replied the Baron, opening the door; I haf
no furzer vish to see a treacherous
sponge zat vill neizer
be true nor fight, bot jost takes money.
He slammed the door and went out. If he had waited for a moment, he would have seen a look in Mr Bunker’s face that he had never seen before. He half started from his chair to follow, and then sat down again and thought with his lips very tight set.
All at once they broke into a smile that was grimmer than anything the Baron had known.
I accept your challenge, Baron Rudolph von Blitzenberg,
he said to himself; but the weapons I shall choose
myself.
He took a telegraph form, wrote and despatched a
When a servant, later in the day, was performing, under the Baron’s directions, the same office for him, a series of discoveries that still further disturbed his peace of mind were jointly made. Not only the more sporting portions of his wardrobe but his gun and cartridges as well, had vanished, and, search and storm as he liked, there was not a trace of them to be found.
Ze rascal!
he muttered; I did not zink he was zief
as well.
It is hardly wonderful that he arrived at Brierley station in anything but an amiable frame of mind. There, to his great annoyance and surprise, he found no signs of Sir Richard’s carriage; there were no stables near, and, after fuming for some time on the platform, he was forced to leave his luggage with the station-master and proceed on foot to Brierley Park.
He arrived shortly before seven o’clock, after a dark and muddy tramp, and, still swearing under his breath, pulled the bell with indignant energy.
I am ze Baron von Blitzenberg, bot zere vas no carriage
at ze station,
he informed the butler in his haughtiest
tones.
The man looked at him suspiciously.
The Baron arrived this morning,
he said.
Ze Baron? Vat Baron? I am ze Baron!
I shall fetch Sir Richard,
said the butler, turning
away.
Presently a stout florid gentleman, accompanied by three friends, all evidently very curious and amused about something, came to the door, and, to the poor Baron’s amazement and horror, he recognised in one of these none other than Mr Bunker, arrayed with much splendour in his own ornate shooting suit.
What do you want?
asked the florid gentleman,
sternly.
Have I ze pleasure of addressing Sir Richard Brierley?
inquired the Baron, raising his hat and bowing
profoundly.
You have.
Zen I must tell you zat I am ze Baron Rudolph von
Blitzenberg.
Gom, gom, my man!
interposed Mr Bunker. I
know you. Zis man, Sir Richard, has before annoyed
me. He is vat you call impostor, cracked; he has vollowed
me from Germany. Go avay, man!
You are impostor! You scoundrel, Bonker!
shouted
the wrathful Baron. He is no Baron, Sir Richard!
Ha! Vould you again deceive me, Bonker?
You must lock him up, I fear,
said Mr Bunker.
To-morrow, my man, you vill see ze police.
So completely did the Baron lose his head that he
became almost inarticulate with rage: his protestations,
however, were not of the slightest avail. That morning
Sir Richard had received a wire informing him that the
Baron was coming by an earlier train than he had originally
intended, and, since his arrival, the spurious nobleman
had so ingratiated himself with his host that Sir
The scoundrelly German impostor!
exclaimed a
young man, a fellow visitor of the Baron Bunker’s, to a
tall, military-looking gentleman.
Colonel Savage seemed lost in thought.
It is a curious thing, Trelawney,
he replied, at
length, that the footman who attends the Baron should
have told my man—who, of course, told me—that a number
of his things are marked
Francis Beveridge.
It is
also rather strange that this impostor should have known
so little of the Baron’s movements as to arrive several
hours after him, assuming he had hatched a plot to impersonate
him.
But the man’s obviously mad.
Must be,
said the colonel.
The house party were assembled in the drawing-room waiting for dinner to be announced. The bogus Baron was engaged in an animated discussion with Colonel Savage on the subject of Bavarian shootings, and the colonel having omitted to inform him that he had some personal experience of these, Mr Bunker was serving up such of his friend’s anecdotes as he could remember with sauce more peculiarly his own.
Five hondred vild boars,
he was saying, eight
hondred brace of partridges, many bears, and rabbits so
But at that moment his attention was sharply arrested by a question of Lady Brierley’s.
Has Dr Escott arrived?
she asked.
The Baron Bunker paused, and in spite of his habitual coolness, the observant colonel noticed that he started ever so slightly.
He came half an hour ago,
replied Sir Richard.
Ah, here he is.
As he spoke, a well-remembered figure came into the room, and after a welcome from his hostess, the dinner procession started.
Whoever is that tall fair man in front?
Dr Escott
asked his partner as they crossed the hall.
Oh, that’s the Baron von Blitzenberg: such an amusing
man! We are all in love with him already.
All through dinner the spurious Baron saw that Dr
Escott’s eyes turned continually and curiously on him;
yet never for an instant did his spirits droop or his conversation
flag. Witty and charming as ever, he discoursed
in his comical foreign accent to the amusement
of all within hearing, and by the time the gentlemen
adjourned to the billiard-room, he had established the
reputation of being the most delightful German ever
seen. Yet Dr Escott grew more suspicious and bewildered,
and Mr Bunker felt that he was being narrowly
watched. The skill at billiards of a certain Francis
Beveridge used to be the object of the doctor’s unbounded
That nobleman knew well the danger of displaying
his old dexterity, and to the onlookers it soon became
apparent that this branch of his education had been
neglected. He not only missed the simplest shots, but
seemed very ignorant of the rules of the English game,
and in consequence he came in for a little good-natured
chaff from Sir Richard and Trelawney. When the
colonel’s score stood at 90 and the Baron had scarcely
reached 25 Trelawney cried, I’ll bet you ten to one you
don’t win, Baron!
What in?
asked the Baron, and the colonel noticed
that for the first time be pronounced a
w correctly.
Sovereigns,
said Trelawney, gaily.
The temptation was irresistible.
Done!
said the Baron. With a professional disregard
for conventions he bolted the white into the middle
pocket, leaving his own ball nicely beside the red. Down
in its turn went the red, and Mr Bunker was on the spot.
Three followed three in monotonous succession, Trelawney’s
face growing longer and Dr Escott getting more
and more excited, till with a smile Mr Bunker laid down
his cue, a sensational winner.
His victory was received in silence: Trelawney handed over two five-pound notes without a word, and the colonel returned to his whisky-and-soda. Dr Escott could contain himself no longer, and whispering something to Sir Richard, the two left the room.
Imperturbable as ever, Mr Bunker talked gaily for a
A minute or two later Sir Richard, with an anxious face, returned with Dr Escott.
Where is the Baron?
he asked.
Gone to join the ladies,
replied Trelawney, adding
under his breath, d&qdash; n him!
But the Baron was not with the ladies, nor, search the house as they might, was there a trace to be seen of that accomplished nobleman.
He has gone!
said Sir Richard.
What the deuce is the meaning of it?
exclaimed
Trelawney.
Colonel Savage smiled grimly and suggested, Perhaps
he wants to give the impostor an innings.
Dr Escott, I think, can tell you,
replied the baronet.
Gentlemen,
said the doctor, the man whom you
have met as the Baron von Blitzenberg is none other
than a most cunning and determined lunatic. He escaped
from the asylum where I am at present assistant doctor,
after all but murdering me; he has been seen in London
since, but how he came to impersonate the unfortunate
gentleman whom you locked up this afternoon I cannot
say.
Before they broke up for the night the genuine Baron,
released from confinement and soothed by the humblest
apologies and a heavy supper, recounted the main events
in Mr Beveridge alias
Bunker’s brief career in town.
On his exploits in St Egbert’s he felt some delicacy in
touching, but at the end of what was after all only a
The party at Brierley Park had gone at last to bed. The Baron was installed in his late usurper’s room, and from the clock-tower the hour of three had just been tolled. Sympathy and Sir Richard’s cellar had greatly mollified the Baron’s wrath; he had almost begun to see the humorous side of his late experience; as a rival Mr Bunker was extinct, and with an easy mind and a placid smile he had fallen asleep some two hours past.
The fire burned low, and for long nothing but the occasional sigh of the wind in the trees disturbed the silence. At length, had the Baron been awake, he might have heard the stealthiest of footsteps in the corridor outside. Then they stopped; his door was gently opened, and first a head and then a whole man slipped in.
Still the Baron slept, dreaming peacefully of his late companion. They were driving somewhere in a hansom, Mr Bunker was telling one of his most amusing stories, when there came a shock, the hansom seemed to turn a somersault, and the Baron awoke. At first he thought he must be dreaming still; the electric light had been turned on and the room was bright as day, but, more bewildering yet, Mr Bunker was seated on his bed, gazing at him with an expression of thoughtful amusement.
Well, Baron,
he said, I trust you are comfortable
in these excellent quarters.
The Baron, half awake and wholly astonished, was unable to collect his ideas in time to make any reply.
But remember,
continued Mr Bunker, you have
a reputation to live up to. I have set the standard high
for Bavarian barons.
The indignant Baron at last recovered his wits.
If you do not go away
he said, raising himself
on his elbows, at
vonce,I shall raise ze house upon you!
Have you forgotten that you are talking to a dangerous
lunatic, who probably never stirs without his razor?
The Baron looked at him and turned a little pale. He
made no further movement, but answered stoutly enough,
Vat do you vant?
In the first place, I want my brush and comb, a few
clothes, and my hand-bag. Events happened rather more
quickly this evening than I had anticipated.
Take zem.
I should also like,
continued Mr Bunker, unmoved,
to have a little talk with you. I think I owe you some
explanation—perhaps an apology or two—and I’m afraid
it’s my last chance.
Zay it zen.
Of course I understand that you make no hostile
demonstration till I am finished? A hunted man must
take precautions, you know.
I vill let you go.
Thanks, Baron.
Mr Bunker folded his arms, leaned his back against
I have amused you, Baron, now and then, you must
admit?
The Baron made no reply.
That I place to my credit, and I think few debts are
better worth repaying. On the other hand, I confess I
have subsisted for some time entirely on your kindness.
I’m afraid that alone counterbalances the debt, and
when it comes to my being the means of your taking a
bath in mixed company and spending an evening in a
locked room, there’s no doubt the balance is greatly on
your side.
I zink so,
observed the Baron.
So I’ll tell you a true story, a favour with which I
haven’t indulged any one for some considerable time.
The Baron coughed, but said nothing.
My biography for all practical purposes,
Mr Bunker
continued, begins in that sequestered retreat, Clankwood
Asylum. How and with whom I came there I
haven’t the very faintest recollection. I simply woke up
from an extraordinary drowsiness to find myself recovering
from a sharp attack of what I may most euphoniously
call mental excitement. The original cause of it is very
dim in my mind, and has, so far as I remember, nothing
to do with the rest of the story. The attack was very
short, I believe. I soon came to something more or less
like myself; only, Baron, the singular thing is, that it was
to all intents and purposes a new self—whether better
or worse, my faulty memory does not permit me to say.
I’d clean forgotten who I was and all about me. I found
Ha!
exclaimed the Baron, growing interested despite
himself.
And the most remarkable thing of all is that up till
this day I haven’t the very vaguest notion what my real
name is.
Zo?
said the Baron. Bot vy should they change it?
There you’ve laid your finger on the mystery, Baron.
Why? Heaven knows: I wish I did!
The Baron looked at him with undisguised interest.
Strange!
he said, thoughtfully.
Damnably strange. I found myself compelled to
live in an asylum and answer to a new name, and really,
don’t you know, under the circumstances I could give no
very valid reason for getting out. I seemed to have
blossomed there like one of the asylum plants. I couldn’t
possibly have been more identified with the place. Besides,
I’m free to confess that for some time my reason,
taking it all in all, wasn’t particularly valid on any point.
By George, I had a funny time! Ha, ha, ha!
His mirth was so infectious that the Baron raised his
voice in a hearty Ha, ha!
and then stopped abruptly,
and said cautiously, Haf a care, Bonker, zey may hear!
However, Baron,
Mr Bunker continued, out I
was determined to get, and out I came in the manner
of which perhaps my friend Escott has already informed
you.
The Baron grinned and nodded.
I came up to town, and on my very first evening I
You hombog!
said the Baron, not without a note of
admiration.
I was, and I gloried in it. Baron, if you ever want to
know how ample a thing life can be, become a certified
lunatic! You are quite irresponsible for your debts,
your crimes, and, not least, your words. It certainly
enlarges one’s horizon. All this time, I may say, I was
racking my brains—which, by the way, have been steadily
growing saner in other matters—for some recollections
of my previous whereabouts, my career, if I had any,
and, above all, of my name.
Can you remember nozing?
I can remember a large country house which I think
belonged to me, but in what part of the country it stands
I haven’t the slightest recollection. I can’t remember
any family, and as no one has inquired for me, I don’t
suppose I had any. Many incidents—sporting, festive,
amusing, and discreditable—I remember distinctly, and
many faces, but there’s nothing to piece them together
with. Can you recall one or two incidents in town,
when people spoke to me or bowed to me?
Yes, vell; I vondered zen.
I suppose they knew me. In a general sort of way I
knew them. But when a man doesn’t know his own
name, and will probably be replaced in an asylum if he’s
identified, there isn’t much encouragement for greeting
old friends. And do you remember my search for a
name in the hotel at St Egbert’s?
Yah—zat is, yes.
It was for my own I was looking.
You found it not?
No. The worst of it is, I can’t even remember what
letter it began with. Sometimes I think it was M, or
perhaps N, and sometimes I’m almost sure it was E. It
will come to me some day, no doubt, Baron, but till it
does I shall have to wander about a nameless man, looking
for it. And after all, I am not without the consolations
of a certain useful, workaday kind of philosophy.
He rose from the bed and smiled humorously at his friend.
And now, Baron,
he said, it only remains to offer
you such thanks and apologies as a lunatic may, and
then clear out before the cock crows. These are my
brushes, I think.
There was still something on the Baron’s mind: he lay
for a moment watching Mr Bunker collect a few odds
and ends and put them rapidly into a small bag, and
then blurted out suddenly, Ze Lady Alicia—do you
loff her?
By Jove!
exclaimed Mr Bunker, I’d forgotten all
about her. I ought to have told you that I once met her
You do not loff her?
persisted the Baron.
I, my dear chap? No. You are most welcome to
her—
and the countess.
Does she not loff you?
On my honour, no. I told her a few early reminiscences;
she happened to discover they were not what is
generally known as true, and took so absurd a view of
the case that I doubt whether she would speak to me
again if she met me. In fact, Baron, if I read the omens
aright—and I’ve had some experience—you only need
courage and a voice.
The bed creaked, there was a volcanic upheaval of the clothes as the Baron sprang out on to the floor, and the next instant Mr Bunker was clasped in his embrace.
Ach, my own Bonker, forgif me! I haf suspected,
I haf not been ze true friend; you have sairved me right
to gom here as ze Baron. I vas too bad a Baron to gom!
You have amused me, you have instrogted, you have
varmed my heart. My dear frient!
To tell the truth, Mr Bunker looked, for the first time in their acquaintance, a little ill at ease. He laughed, but it sounded affected.
My dear fellow—hang it! You’d make me out a
martyr. As a matter of fact, I’ve been such a thorn as
very few people would stand in their flesh. There’s
nothing to forgive, my dear Baron, and a lot to thank
you for.
I haf been rude, Bonker; I haf insulted you! You
forgif me?
With all my heart, if you think it’s needed, but&qdash;
And you vill not go now? You vill stay here?
What, two Barons at once? My dear chap, we’d
merely confuse the butler.
Ach, you vill joke, you hombog! But you most
stay!
And what about my friend, Dr Escott? No, Baron,
it would only mean breakfast and the next train to Clankwood.
Zey vill not take you ven you tell zem! I shall insist
viz Sir Richard!
The law is the law, Baron, and I’m a certified lunatic.
Here we must part till the weather clears; and mind, you
mustn’t say a word about my coming to see you.
The Baron looked at him disconsolately.
You most really go, Bonker?
Really, Baron.
And vere to?
To London town again by the milk train.
And vat vill you do zere?
Look for my name.
Bot how?
Mr Bunker hesitated.
I have a little clue,
he said at last, only a thread,
but I’ll try it for what it’s worth.
Haf you money enoff?
Thanks to your generosity and my skill at billiards,
yes, which reminds me that I must return poor Trelawney’s
Cigars at least, Bonker! You most smoke, my frient
vizout a name!
The Baron, night-shirted and barefooted as he was, dived into his portmanteau and produced a large box of cigars.
You like zese, Bonker. Zey are your own choice.
Smoke zem and zink of me!
A few, Baron, would be a pleasant reminiscence,
said his friend, with a smile, if you really insist.
All, Bonker,—I vill not keep vun! I can get more.
No, you most take zem all!
Mr Bunker opened his bag and put in the box without a word.
You most write,
said the Baron, tell me vere you
are. I shall not tell any soul, bot ven I can, I shall gom
up, and ve shall sup togezzer vunce more. Pairhaps ve
may haf anozzer adventure, ha, ha!
The Baron’s laugh was almost too hearty to be true.
I shall let you know, as soon as I find a room. It
won’t be in the Mayonaise this time! Good-bye: good
sport and luck in love!
Good-bye, my frient, good-bye,
said the Baron,
squeezing his hand.
His friend was half out of the door when he turned,
and said with an intonation quite foreign either to Beveridge
or Bunker, and yet which came very pleasantly,
I forgot to warn you of one thing when I advised you
rôle of
certified lunatic—you are not likely to
make so good a friend as I have.
He shut the door noiselessly and was gone.
The Baron stood in the middle of the floor for fully five minutes, looking blankly at the closed door; then with a sigh he turned out the light and tumbled into bed again.
The Dover express was nearing town: evening had begun to draw in, and from the wayside houses people saw the train roar by like a huge glowworm; but they could hardly guess that it was hurrying two real actors to the climax of a real comedy.
From the opposite sides of a first-class carriage these two looked cheerfully at one another. The Channel was safely behind them, London was close ahead, and the piston of the engine seemed to thump a triumphal air.
We’ve done it, Twiddel, my boy!
said the one.
Thank Heaven!
replied the other.
added his friend.And myself,
Yes,
said Twiddel; you played your part uncommonly
well, Welsh.
It was the deuce of a fine spree!
sighed Welsh.
The deuce,
assented Twiddel.
I’m only sorry it’s all over,
Welsh went on, gazing
regretfully up at the lamp of the carriage. I’d give the
remains of my character and my chance of a public funeral
to be starting again from Paris by the morning train!
Twiddel laughed.
With the same head you had that morning?
Yes, by George! Even with the same mile of dusty
gullet!
It’s all over now,
said Twiddel, philosophically,
and yet rather nervously—at least the amusing part
of it.
All the fun, my boy, all the fun. All the dinners
and the drinks, and the touching of hats to the aristocratic
travellers, and the girls that sighed, and the bowing and
scraping. Do you remember the sporting baronet who
knew my uncle? Now, I’m plain Robert Welsh, whose
uncles, as far as I am aware, don’t know a baronet among
’em.
He smiled a little sardonically.
And the baron at Fogelschloss,
said Twiddel.
Who insisted on learning my pedigree back to Alfred
the Great! Gad, I gave it him, though, and I doubt
whether the real Essington could have done as much.
I’d rather surprise some of these noblemen if I turned up
again in my true character!
Thank the Lord, we’re not likely to meet them again!
exclaimed the doctor, devoutly.
No,
said Welsh; here endeth the second lesson.
His friend, who had been well brought up, looked a trifle uncomfortable at this quotation.
I say,
he remarked a few minutes later, we haven’t
finished yet. We’ve got to get the man out again, and
hand him back to his friends.
Cured,
said Welsh, with a laugh.
I wonder how he is?
We’ll soon see.
They fell silent again, while the train hurried nearer
and nearer London town. Welsh seemed to be musing
on some nice point, it might be of conscience, it might
also conceivably be of a more practical texture. At last
he said, There’s just one thing, old man. What about
the fee?
I’ll get a cheque for it, I suppose,
his friend replied,
with an almost excessive air of mastery over the problem.
Ha, ha!
laughed Welsh; you know what I mean.
It’s a delicate question and all that, but, hang it, it’s got
to be answered.
What has?
The division of the spoil.
Twiddel looked dignified.
I’ll see you get your share, old man,
he answered,
easily.
But what share?
You suggested £100, I think.
Out of £500—when I’ve done all the deceiving and
told all the lies! Come, old man!
Well, what do you want?
Do you remember a certain crisis when we’d made
a slip&qdash;
You’d made a slip!
We had made a slip,
and you wanted to chuck the
game and bolt? Do you remember also the terms I
proposed when I offered to beard the local god almighty
in his lair and explain it all away, and how he became
our bosom pal and we were saved?
Well?
£300 to me,
said Welsh, decisively.
Rot, old man. I’ll share fairly, if you insist. £250
apiece, will that do?
Welsh said nothing, but his face was no longer the countenance of the jovial adventurer.
It will have to, I suppose,
he replied, at length.
It was with this little cloud on the horizon that they saw the lights of London twinkle through the windows, and were carried into the clamour of the platforms.
They both drove first to Twiddel’s rooms; and as they looked out once more on the life and lights and traffic of the streets, their faces cleared again.
We’ll have a merry evening!
cried Welsh.
A little supper,
suggested Twiddel; a music-hall&qdash;
Et cetera,
added Welsh, with a laugh.
The doctor had written of their coming, and they found a fire in the back room, and the table laid.
Ah,
cried Welsh, this looks devilish comfortable.
A letter for me,
said Twiddel; from Billson, I
think.
He read it and threw it to his friend, remarking, I call
this rather cool of him.
Welsh read—
Dear George,—I am just off for three weeks’ holiday. Sorry for leaving your practice, but I think it can look after itself till you return.
You have only had two patients, and one fee between them. The second man vanished mysteriously. I shalltell you about it when I come back. He boned a bill, too, I fancy, but the story will keep.
I am looking forward to hearing the true tale of your adventures. Good luck to you.—Yours ever,
Thomas Billson.
Boned a bill?
exclaimed Welsh. What bill, I
wonder?
Something that came when I was away, I suppose.
Hang it, I think Billson might have looked after things
better!
It sounds queer,
said Welsh, reflectively; I wonder
what it was?
Confound Billson, he might have told me,
observed
the doctor. But, I say, you know we have something
more practical to see to.
Getting the man out again?
Yes.
Well, let’s have a little grub first.
Twiddel rang the bell, and the frowsy little maid entered, carrying a letter on a tray.
Dinner,
said he.
Please, sir,
began the maid, holding out the tray,
this come for you near a month agow, but Missis she bin
and forgot to send it hafter you.
Confound her!
said Twiddel, taking the letter.
He looked at the envelope, and remarked with a little
start of nervous excitement, From Dr Congleton.
News of Mr Beveridge,
laughed Welsh.
The doctor read the first few lines, and then, as if he had
got an electric shock, the letter fell from his hand, and an
Heavens!
he ejaculated, it’s all up.
What’s up?
cried Welsh, snatching at the letter.
He’s run away!
Welsh looked at him for a moment in some astonishment, and then burst out laughing.
What a joke!
he cried; I don’t see anything to make
a fuss about. We’re jolly well rid of him.
The fee! I won’t get a penny till I bring him back.
And the whole thing will be found out!
As the full meaning of this predicament burst upon Welsh, his face underwent a change by no means pleasant to watch. For a full minute he swore, and then an ominous silence fell upon the room.
Twiddel was the first to recover himself.
Let me see the letter,
he said; I haven’t
finished it.
Welsh read it aloud—
Dear Twiddel,—I regret to inform you that the patient, Francis Beveridge, whom you placed under my care, has escaped from Clankwood. We have made every inquiry consistent with strict privacy, but unfortunately have not yet been able to lay our hands upon him. We only know that he left Ashditch Junction in the London express, and was seen walking out of St Euston’s Cross. How he has been able to maintain himself in concealment without money or clothes, I am unable to imagine.
As no inquiries have been made for him by his cousin Mr Welsh, or any other of his friends or relatives, I am writing to you that you may inform them, and I hope that this letter may follow you abroad without delay. I mayadd that the circumstances of his escape showed most unusual cunning, and could not possibly have been guarded against.
Trusting that you are having a pleasant holiday, I am, yours very truly,
Adolphus S. Congleton.
The two looked at one another in silence for a minute,
and then Welsh said, fiercely, You must catch him again,
Twiddel. Do you think I am going to have all my risk
and trouble for nothing?
I
must catch him! Do you suppose I
let him loose?
You must catch him, all the same.
I shan’t bother my head about him,
answered Twiddel,
with the recklessness of despair.
You won’t? You want to have the story known, I
suppose?
I don’t care if it is.
Welsh looked at him for a minute: then he jumped up
and exclaimed, You need a drink, old man. Let’s hurry
up that slavey.
With the first course their countenances cleared a little, with the second they were almost composed, by the end of dinner they had started plot-hatching hopefully again.
It’s any odds on the man’s still being in town,
said
Welsh. He had no money or clothes, and evidently he
hasn’t gone to any of his friends, or the whole story would
have been out. Now, there is nowhere where a man can
lie low so well, especially if he is hard up, as London. I
can answer from experience. He is hardly likely to be in
the West End, or the best class of suburbs, so we’ve something
to go upon at once. We must go to a private inquiry
And hadn’t we better find out whether anything more
is known at Clankwood?
suggested Twiddel. Dr
Congleton wrote a month ago; perhaps they have caught
him by this time.
Hardly likely, I’m afraid; he’d have written to you if
they had. Still, we can but ask.
But, I say!
the doctor suddenly exclaimed, people
may find out that I’m back without him.
Welsh was equal to the emergency.
You must leave again at once,
he said decisively,
rising from the table; and there’s no good wasting time,
either.
What do you mean?
asked the bewildered doctor,
who had not yet assimilated the criminal point of view.
We’ll put our luggage straight on to a cab, drive off to
other rooms—I know a cheap place that will do—and if
by any chance inquiries are made, people must be told
that you are still abroad. Nobody must hear of your coming
home to-night.
Is it&qdash;
began Twiddel, dubiously.
Is it what?
snapped his friend.
Is it worth it?
Is £500, not to speak of two reputations, worth it!
Come on!
The unfortunate doctor sighed, and rose too. He was beginning to think that the nefarious acquisition of fees might have drawbacks after all.
The chronicle must now go back a few days and follow another up-express.
I must either be a clergyman or a policeman,
Mr
Bunker reflected, in the corner of his carriage; they seem
to me to be on the whole the two least molested professions.
Each certainly has a livery which, if its occupier is
ordinarily judicious, ought to serve as a certificate of
sanity. To me all policemen are precisely alike, but I
daresay they know them apart in the force, and as all the
beats and crossings are presumably taken already, I
might excite suspicion by my mere superfluity. Besides,
a theatrical costumier’s uniform would possibly lack some
ridiculous but essential detail.
He lit another cigar and looked humorously out of the window.
I shall take orders. An amateur theatrical clergyman’s
costume will be more comfortable, and probably
less erroneous. They allow them some latitude, I believe;
and I don’t suppose there are any visible ordination
scars whose absence would give me away. I shall certainly
study the first reverend brother I meet to see.
Thus wisely ruminating, he arrived in London at a very
early hour on a chilly morning, and drove straight to a
small hotel near King’s Cross, where the landlord was
much gratified at receiving so respectable a guest as the
I must begin with a B.
said
Mr Bunker to himself; I think it’s lucky.
)
It is true the reverend gentleman was in evening clothes, while his hat and coat had a singularly secular, not to say fashionable, appearance; but, as he mentioned casually in the course of some extremely affable remarks, he had been dining in a country house, and had not thought it worth while changing before he left. After breakfasting he dressed himself in an equally secular suit of tweeds and went out, he mentioned incidentally, to call at his tailor’s for his professional habit, which he seemed surprised to learn had not yet been forwarded to the hotel.
A visit to a certain well-known firm of theatrical costumiers
was followed by his reappearance in a cab accompanied
by a bulky brown paper parcel; and presently he
emerged from his room attired more consistently with his
office, much to his own satisfaction, for, as he observed,
I cannot say I approve of clergymen masquerading as
laymen.
His opinion on the converse circumstance was not expressed.
Much to his landlord’s disappointment, he informed him that he should probably leave again that afternoon, and then he went out for a walk.
About half an hour later he was once more in the street
where, not so very long ago, a very exciting cab-race had
finished. He strolled slowly past Dr Twiddel’s house.
The blinds of the front room were down; at that hour
there was no sign of life about it, and he saw nothing at
all to arrest his attention. Then he looked down the
Apartments to let,
in one of the
first-floor windows of a house immediately opposite.
He rang the bell, and in a moment a rotund and loquacious landlady appeared. Yes, the drawing-room was to let; would the reverend gentleman come up and see it? Mr Bunker went up, and approved. They readily agreed upon terms, and the landlady, charmed with her new lodger’s appearance and manners, no less than with the respectability of his profession, proceeded to descant at some length on the quiet, comfort, and numerous other advantages of the apartments.
Just the very plice you wants, sir. We ’ave ’ad
clerical gentlemen ’ere before, sir; in fact, there’s
one a-staying ’ere now, second floor,—you may know of
’im, sir,—the Reverend Mr John Duggs; a very pleasant
gentleman you’ll find him, sir. I’ll tell ’im
you’re ’ere, sir; ’e’d be
sure to like to meet another gentleman of the syme cloth,
has they say.
Somehow or other the Rev. Mr Butler failed to display the hearty pleasure at this announcement that the worthy Mrs Gabbon had naturally expected.
Aloud he merely said, Indeed,
politely, but with no
unusual interest.
Within himself he reflected, The deuce take Mr John
Duggs! However, I want the rooms, and a man must risk
something.
As a precautionary measure he visited a second-hand
bookseller on his way back, and purchased a small assortment
of the severest-looking works on theology they kept
He looked carefully out of his sitting-room window, but the doctor’s blinds were still down, and he saw no one coming or going about the house; so he began his inquiries by calling up his landlady.
I have been troubled with lumbago, Mrs Gabbon,
he
began.
Dearie me, sir,
said Mrs Gabbon, I’m sorry to ’ear
that; you that looks so ’ealthy too! Well, one never
knows what’s be’ind a ’appy hexterior, does one, sir?
No, Mrs Gabbon,
replied Mr Bunker, solemnly;
one never knows what even a clergyman’s coat conceals.
That’s very true, sir. In the midst of life we are
in&qdash;
Lumbago,
interposed Mr Bunker.
Mrs Gabbon looked a trifle startled.
Well,
he continued with the same gravity, I may
unfortunately have occasion to consult a doctor&qdash;
There’s Dr Smith,
interrupted Mrs Gabbon, her
equanimity quite restored by his ecclesiastical tone and
the mention of ailments; ’e attended my poor dear
’usband hall through his last illness; an huncommon clever
doctor, sir, as I ought to know, sir, bein’&qdash;
No doubt an excellent man, Mrs Gabbon; but I should
like to know of one as near at hand as possible. Now I
see the name of a Dr Twiddel&qdash;
I wouldn’t recommend ’im, sir,
said Mrs Gabbon,
pursing her mouth.
’E attended Mrs Brown’s servant-girl,
sir,—she bein’
the lady as has the ’ouse next door,—and what he
give
’er
didn’t do no good. Mrs Brown tell me ’erself.
Still, in an emergency&qdash;
Besides which, he ain’t at ’ome, sir.
Where has he gone?
Abroad, they do say, sir; though I don’t rightly know
much about ’im.
Has he been away long?
Mrs Gabbon considered.
It must ’ave bin before the middle of November he
went, sir.
Ha!
exclaimed Mr Bunker, keenly, though apparently
more to himself than his landlady.
I beg your pardon, sir?
The middle of November, you say? That’s a long
holiday for a doctor to take.
’E ’avn’t no practice to speak
of,—not as I knows of, leastways.
What sort of a man is he—young or old?
By my opinion, sir, ’e’s too young. I
don’t ’old by
them young doctors. Now Dr Smith, sir&qdash;
Dr Twiddel is quite a young man, then?
What I’d call little better than a boy, sir. They tell
me they lets ’em loose very young nowadays.
About twenty-five, say?
’E might be that, sir; but I don’t know much about
’im, sir. Now Dr Smith, sir, ’e’s different.
In fact at this point Mrs Gabbon showed such a tendency
Before the middle of November,
he said to himself.
It is certainly a curious coincidence.
To a gentleman of Mr Bunker’s sociable habits and active mind, the prospect of sitting day by day in the company of his theological treatises and talkative landlady, and watching an apparently uninhabited house, seemed at first sight even less entertaining than a return to Clankwood. But, as he said of himself, he possessed a kind of easy workaday philosophy, and, besides that, an apparently irresistible attraction for the incidents of life.
He had barely finished his cup of tea, and was sitting over the fire smoking one of the Baron’s cigars and looking through one of the few books he had brought that bore no relation to divinity, his feet high upon the side of the mantelpiece, his ready-made costume perhaps a little more unbuttoned than the strictest propriety might approve, and a stiff glass of whisky-and-water at his elbow, when there came a rap at his door.
In response to his Come in,
a middle-aged gentleman,
dressed in clerical attire, entered. He had a broad,
bearded face, a dull eye, and an indescribably average
aspect.
The devil! Mr John Duggs himself,
thought Mr
Bunker, hastily adopting a more conventional attitude
and feeling for his button-holes.
Ah—er—Mr Butler, I believe?
said the stranger,
with an apologetic air.
The same,
replied Mr Bunker, smiling affably.
I,
continued his visitor, advancing with more confidence,
am Mr Duggs. I am dwelling at present in the
apartment immediately above you, and hearing of the
arrival of a fellow-clergyman, through my worthy friend
Mrs Gabbon, I have taken the liberty of calling. She
gave me to understand that you were not undesirous of
making my acquaintance, Mr Butler.
The deuce, she did!
thought Mr Butler. Aloud he
answered most politely, I am honoured, Mr Duggs.
Won’t you sit down?
First casting a wary eye upon a chair, Mr Duggs seated himself carefully on the edge of it.
It is quite evident,
thought Mr Bunker, that he has
spotted something wrong. I believe a bobby would have
been safer after all.
He assumed the longest face he could draw, and remarked
sententiously, The weather has been unpleasantly
cold of late, Mr Duggs.
He flattered himself that his guest seemed instantly more at his ease. Certainly he replied with as much cordiality as a man with such a dull eye could be supposed to display.
It has, Mr Butler; in fact I have suffered from a chill
for some weeks. Ahem!
Have something to drink,
suggested Mr Bunker,
sympathetically. I’m trying a little whisky myself, as a
cure for cold.
I—ah—I am sorry. I do not touch spirits.
I, on the contrary, am glad to hear it. Too few of our
clergymen nowadays support the cause of temperance by
example.
Mr Bunker felt a little natural pride in this happily expressed sentiment, but his visitor merely turned his cold eye on the whisky bottle, and breathed heavily.
Confound him!
he thought; I’ll give him something
to snort at if he is going to conduct himself like this.
Have a cigar?
he asked aloud.
Mr Duggs seemed to regard the cigar-box a little less
unkindly than the whisky bottle; but after a careful look
at it he replied, I am afraid they seem a little too strong
for me. I am a light smoker, Mr Butler.
Really,
smiled Mr Bunker; so many virtues in one
room reminds me of the virgins of Gomorrah.
I beg your pardon? The what?
asked Mr Duggs,
with a startled stare.
Mr Bunker suspected that he had made a slip in his
biblical reminiscences, but he continued to smile imperturbably,
and inquired with a perfect air of surprise,
Haven’t you read the novel I referred to?
Mr Duggs appeared a little relieved, but he answered
blankly enough, I—ah—have not. What is the book
you refer to?
Oh, don’t you know? To tell the truth, I forget the
title. It’s by a somewhat well-known lady writer of
religious fiction. A Miss—her name escapes me at this
moment.
In fact, as Mr Bunker had no idea how long his friend
I am no great admirer of religious fiction of any kind,
replied Mr Duggs, particularly that written by emotional
females.
No,
said Mr Bunker, pleasantly; I should imagine
your own doctrines were not apt to err on the sentimental
side.
I am not aware that I have said anything to you about
my—doctrines, as you call them, Mr Butler.
Still, don’t you think one can generally tell a man’s
creed from his coat, and his sympathies from the way he
cocks his hat?
I think,
replied Mr Duggs, that our ideas of our
vocation are somewhat different.
Mine is, I admit,
said Mr Bunker, who had come to
the conclusion that the strain of playing his part was really
too great, and was now being happily carried along by his
tongue.
Mr Duggs for a moment was evidently disposed to give battle, but thinking better of it, he contented himself with frowning at his younger opponent, and abruptly changed the subject.
May I ask what position you hold in the church, Mr
Butler?
Why,
began Mr Bunker, lightly: it was on the tip of
his tongue to say a clergyman, of course,
when he suddenly
recollected that he might be anything from the rank
of curate up to the people who wear gaiters (and who these
Have you ever been in the East, Mr Duggs?
I regret to say I have not hitherto had the opportunity.
Thank the Lord for that,
thought Mr Bunker. I
have been a missionary,
he said quietly, and looked
dreamily into the fire.
It was a happy move. Mr Duggs was visibly impressed.
Ah?
he said. Indeed? I am much interested to
learn this, Mr Butler. It—ah—gives me perhaps a somewhat
different view of your—ah—opinions. Where did
your work lie?
China,
replied Mr Bunker, thinking it best to keep as
far abroad as possible.
Ha!
exclaimed Mr Duggs. This is really extremely
fortunate. I am at present, Mr Butler, studying the
religions and customs of China at the British Museum,
with a view to going out there myself very shortly. I
already feel I know almost as much about that most interesting
country as if I had lived there. I should like to
talk with you at some length on the subject.
Mr Bunker saw that it was time to put an end to this conversation, at whatever minor risk of perturbing his visitor. He had been a little alarmed, too, by noticing that Mr Duggs’ dull eye had wandered frequently to his theological library, which with his usual foresight he had strewn conspicuously on the table, and that any expression it had was rather of suspicious curiosity than gratification.
I should like to hear some of your experiences,
Mr
Duggs continued. In what province did you work?
In Hung Hang Ho,
replied Mr Bunker. His visitor
looked puzzled, but he continued boldly, My experiences
were somewhat unpleasant. I became engaged to a
mandarin’s daughter—a charming girl. I was suspected,
however, of abetting an illicit traffic in Chinese lanterns.
My companions were manicured alive, and I only made
my escape in a pagoda, or a junk—I was in too much of a
hurry to notice which—at the imminent peril of my life.
Don’t go to China, Mr Duggs.
Mr Duggs rose.
Young man,
he said, sternly, put away that fatal
bottle. I can only suppose that it is under the influence of
drink that you have ventured to tell me such an irreverent
and impossible story.
Sir,
began Mr Bunker, warmly,—for he thought that
an outburst of indignation would probably be the safest
way of concluding the interview,—when he stopped abruptly
and listened. All the time his ears had been alive
to anything going on outside, and now he heard a cab
rattle up and stop close by. It might be at Dr Twiddel’s,
he thought, and, turning from his visitor, he sprang to the
window.
Remarking distantly, I hear a cab; it is possibly a
friend I am expecting,
Mr Duggs stepped to the other
window.
It was only, however, a hansom at the door of the next
house, out of which a very golden-haired young lady was
stepping.
Aha,
said Mr Bunker, quite forgetting the indignant
rôle he had begun to play;
rather nice! Is this your friend, Mr Duggs?
Mr Duggs gave him one look of his dull eyes, and
walked straight for the door. As he went out he merely
remarked, Our acquaintance has been brief, Mr Butler,
but it has been quite sufficient.
Quite,
thought Mr Bunker.
That was Mr Bunker’s first and last meeting with the Rev. John Duggs, and he took no small credit to himself for having so effectually incensed his neighbour, without, at the same time, bringing suspicion on anything more pertinent than his sobriety.
And yet sometimes in the course of the next three days he would have been thankful to see him again, if only to have another passage-of-arms. The time passed most wearily; the consulting-room blinds were never raised; no cabs stopped before the doctor’s door; nobody except the little servant ever moved about the house.
He could think of no plan better than waiting; and so he
waited, showing himself seldom in the streets, and even
sitting behind the curtain while he watched at the window.
After writing at some length to the Baron he had no
further correspondence that he could distract himself
with; he was even forced once or twice to dip into the
’eard
sommat
from Mr Duggs, and treated him to little of her
society. The boredom became so excessive that he decided
he must make a move soon, however rash it was.
The only active step he took, and indeed the only step
he saw his way to take, was a call on Dr Twiddel’s
locum.
But luck seemed to run dead against him. Dr Billson
had departed on his holiday,
he was informed, and
would not return for three weeks. So Mr Bunker was
driven back to his window and the Baron’s cigars.
It was the evening of his fourth day in Mrs Gabbon’s rooms. He had finished a modest dinner and was dealing himself hands at piquet with an old pack of cards, when he heard the rattle of a cab coming up the street. The usual faint flicker of hope rose: the cab stopped below him, the flicker burned brighter, and in an instant he was at the window. He opened the slats of the blind, and the flicker was aflame. Before the doctor’s house a four-wheeled cab was standing laden with luggage, and two men were going up the steps. He watched the luggage being taken in and the cab drive away, and then he turned radiantly back to the fire.
The curtain is up,
he said to himself. What’s the
first act to be?
Presently he put on his
Two men jumped in, one after another, and when he had come at his fastest walk within twenty yards or so, the cabman whipped up and drove rapidly away, luggage and men and all.
He looked up and down for a hansom, but there were none to be seen. For a few yards he set off at a run in pursuit, and then, finding that the horse was being driven at a great rate, and remembering the paucity of stray cabs in the quiet streets and roads round about, he stopped and considered the question.
After all,
he reflected, it may not have been Dr
Twiddel who drove away; in fact, if it was he who arrived
in the first cab, it’s any odds against it. Pooh! It can’t
be. Still, it’s a curious thing if two cabs loaded with
luggage came to the house in the same evening, and one
drove away without unlading.
With his spirits a little damped in spite of his philosophy, he went back to his rooms.
In the morning the consulting-room blinds were still down, and the house looked as deserted as ever.
He waited till lunch, and then he went out boldly and
pulled the doctor’s bell. The same little maid appeared,
but she evidently did not recognise the fashionable patient
Is Dr Twiddel at home?
No, sir, he ain’t back yet.
He hasn’t been back?
No, sir.
Mr Bunker looked at her keenly, and then said to himself,
She is lying.
He thought he would try a chance shot.
But he was expected home last night, I believe.
The maid looked a little staggered.
He ain’t been,
she replied.
I happen to have heard that he called here,
he hazarded
again.
This time she was evidently put about.
He ain’t been here—as I knows of.
He slipped half-a-crown into her hand.
Think again,
he said, in his most winning accents.
The poor little maid was obviously in a dilemma.
Do you want him particular, sir?
Particularly.
She fidgeted a little.
He told me,
he pursued, that he might look in at
his rooms last night. He left no message for me?
What
Mr Butler.
No, sir.
Then, my dear,
said Mr Bunker, with his most insinuating
smile, he was here for a little, you can’t
deny?
At the maid’s embarrassed glance down his long coat, he suddenly realised that there was perhaps a distinction between lay and clerical smiles.
He might have just looked in, sir,
she admitted.
But he didn’t want it known?
No, sir.
Quite right, I advised him not to, and you did very well
not to tell me at first.
He smiled approvingly and made a pretence of turning away.
Oh, by the way,
he added, stopping as if struck by an
after-thought, Is he still in town? He promised to leave
word for me, but he has evidently forgotten.
I don’t know, sir; ’e didn’t say.
What? He left
no word at all?
No, sir.
Mr Bunker held out another half-crown.
It’s truth, sir,
said the maid, drawing back; we
don’t know where ’e is.
Take it, all the same; you have been very discreet.
You have no idea?
The maid hesitated.
I
she allowed.did ’ear Mr
Welsh say something about lookin’ for
rooms,
In London?
I expect so, sir; but ’e didn’t say no more.
Mr Welsh is the friend who came with him, of course?
Yes, sir.
Thanks,
said Mr Bunker. By the way, Dr Twiddel
might not like your telling this even to a friend, so you
He smiled benignly, and the little maid thanked him quite gratefully.
Evidently,
he thought as he went away, I was
meant for something in the detective line.
He returned to his rooms to meditate, and the longer he thought the more puzzled he became, and yet the more convinced that he had taken up a thread that must lead him somewhere.
As for my plan of action,
he considered, I see nothing
better for it than staying where I am—and watching.
This mysterious doctor must surely steal back some night.
Now and then I might go round the town and try a cast in
the likeliest bars—oh, hang me, though! I forgot I was a
clergyman.
That night he had a welcome distraction in the shape of a letter from the Baron. It was written from Brierley Park, in the Baron’s best pointed German hand, and it ran thus—
My dear Bunker,—I was greatly more delighted than I am able to express to you from the amusing correspondence you addressed me. How glad I am, I can assure you, that you are still in safety and comfort. Remember, my dear friend, to call for me when need arises, although I do think you can guard yourself as well as most alone.
This leaves me happy and healthful, and in utmost prosperity with the kind Sir Richard and his charming Lady. You English certainly know well how to cause time to pass with mirth. About instruction I say less!
They have talked of you here. I laugh and keep my tongue when they wonder who he is and whither gone away. Now that anger is passed and they see I myself enjoy the joke, they say, and especially do the ladies, (You humbug, Bunker!)How charming was the imitation, Baron!You can indeed win the hearts, if wishful so. The Lady Grillyer and her unexpressable daughter I have often seen. To-day they come here for two nights. I did suggest it to Lady Brierley, and I fear she did suspect the condition of my heart; but she charmingly smiled, she asked them, and they come!
The Countess, I fear, does not now love you much, my friend; but then she knows not the truth. The Lady Alicia is strangely silent on the matter of Mr Bunker, but in time she also doubtless will forgive.(At this Mr Bunker smiled in some amusement.)
When they leave Brierley I also shall take my departure on the following day, that is in three days. Therefore write hastily, Bunker, and name the place and hour where we shall meet again and dine festively. I expect a most reverent clergyman and much instructive discourse. Ah, humbug!—Thine always,
Rudolph von Blitzenberg.
P.S.—She is sometimes more kind and sometimes so distant. Ah, I know not what to surmise! But to-morrow or the next my fate will be decided. Give me of your prayers, my reverent friend!
R. von B.
Dear old Baron!
said Mr Bunker. Well, I’ve at
least a dinner to look forward to.
Dr Twiddel, meanwhile, was no less anxious to make the Rev. Alexander Butler’s acquaintance than the Rev. Alexander Butler was to make his. Not that he was aware of that gentleman’s recent change of identity and occupation; but most industrious endeavors to find a certain Mr Beveridge were made in the course of the next few days. He and Welsh were living modestly and obscurely in the neighbourhood of the Pentonville Road, scouring the town by day, studying a map and laying the most ingenious plans at night. Welsh’s first effort, as soon as they were established in their new quarters, was to induce his friend to go down to Clankwood and make further inquiries, but this Twiddel absolutely declined to do.
My dear chap,
he answered, supposing anything
were found out, or even suspected, what am I to say?
Old Congleton knows me well, and for his own sake doesn’t
want to make a fuss; but if he really spots that something
is wrong, he will be so afraid of his reputation that he’d
give me away like a shot.
How are you going to give things away by going down
and seeing him?
If they have guessed
anything, I’ll give it away. I
haven’t your cheek, you know, and tact, and that sort of
thing; you’d much better go yourself.
I? It isn’t my business.
You seem to be making it yours. Besides, Dr Congleton
thinks it is. You passed yourself off as the chap’s
cousin, and it is quite natural for you to go and inquire.
Welsh pondered the point. Hang it,
he said at last,
it would do just as well to write. Perhaps it’s safer
after all.
Well, you write.
Why should I, rather than you?
Because you’re his cousin.
Welsh considered again. Well, I don’t suppose it
matters much. I’ll write, if you’re afraid.
It was these amiable little touches in his friend’s conversation that helped to make Twiddel’s lot at this time so pleasant. In fact, the doctor was learning a good deal about human nature in cloudy weather.
With great care Welsh composed a polite note of anxious inquiry, and by return of post received the following reply:—
My dear Sir,—I regret to inform you that we have not so far recovered your cousin Mr Beveridge. In all probability, however, this cannot be long delayed now, as he was seen within the last week at a country house in Dampshire, and is known to have fled to London immediately on his recognition, but before he could be secured. He was then clean shaved, and had been passing under the name of Francis Bunker. We are making strict inquiries for him in London.
Nobody can regret the unfortunate circumstance of his escape more than I, and, in justice to myself and my institution, I can assure you that it was only through the most unforeseen and remarkable ingenuity on your cousin’s part that it occurred.
Trusting that I may soon be able to inform you of his recovery, I am, yours very truly,
Adolphus S. Congleton.
Their ardour was, if possible, increased by Dr Congleton’s letter. Mr Beveridge was almost certainly in London, and they knew now that they must look for a clean-shaved man. Two private inquiry detectives were at work; and on their own account they had mapped the likeliest parts of London into beats, visiting every bar and restaurant in turn, and occasionally hanging about stations and the stopping-places for ’buses.
It was dreadfully hard work, and after four days of it, even Welsh began to get a little sickened.
Hang it,
he said in the evening, I haven’t had a
decent dinner since we came back. Mr Bunker can go to
the devil for to-night, I’m going to dine decently. I’m
sick of going round pubs, and not even stopping to have a
drink.
So am I,
replied Twiddel, cordially; where shall
we go?
The Café Maccarroni,
suggested Welsh; we can’t
afford a West-end place, and they give one a very decent
dinner there.
The Café Maccarroni in Holborn is nominally of
foreign extraction,—certainly the waiters and the stout
proprietor come from sunnier lands,—and many of the
diners you can hear talking in strange tongues, with quick
gesticulations. But for the most part they are respectable
citizens of London, who drink Chianti because it stimulates
cheaply and not unpleasantly. The white-painted
The hour at which the two friends entered was later
than most of the habitués
dine, and they had the room
almost to themselves. They faced each other across a
small table beside the wall, and very soon the discomforts
of their researches began to seem more tolerable.
We’ll catch him soon, old man,
said Welsh, smiling
more affably than he had smiled since they came back.
A day or two more of this kind of work and even London
won’t be able to conceal him any longer.
Dash it, we must,
replied Twiddel, bravely. We’ll
show old Congleton how to look for a lunatic.
Ha, ha!
laughed Welsh, I think he’ll be rather relieved
himself. Waiter! another bottle of the same.
The bottle arrived, and the waiter was just filling their
glasses when a young clergyman entered the room and
walked quietly towards the farther end. Welsh raised
his glass and exclaimed, Here’s luck to ourselves, Twiddel,
old man!
At that moment the clergyman was passing their table, and at the mention of this toast he started almost imperceptibly, and then, throwing a quick glance at the two, stopped and took a seat at the next table, with his back turned towards them. Welsh, who was at the farther side, looked at him with some annoyance, and made a sign to Twiddel to talk a little more quietly.
To the waiter, who came with the
menu, the clergyman
explained in a quiet voice that he was waiting for a friend,
and asked for an evening paper instead, in which he soon
appeared to be deeply engrossed.
At first the conversation went on in a lower tone, but in a few minutes they insensibly forgot their neighbour, and the voices rose again by starts.
My dear fellow,
Welsh was saying, we can discuss
that afterwards; we haven’t caught him yet.
I want to settle it now.
But I thought it was settled.
No, it wasn’t,
said Twiddel, with a foreign and
vinous doggedness.
What do you suggest then?
Divide it equally—£250 each.
You think you can claim half the credit for the idea
and half the trouble?
I can claim
all the
risk—practically.
Pooh!
said Welsh. You think I risked nothing?
Come, come, let’s talk of something else.
Oh, rot!
interrupted Twiddel, who by this time was
decidedly flushed. You needn’t ride the high horse like
that, you are not Mr Mandell-Essington any longer.
With a violent start, the clergyman brought his fist
crash on the table, and exclaimed aloud, By Heaven,
that’s it!
As one may suppose, everybody in the room started in
great astonishment at this extraordinary outburst. With
a sharp Hollo!
Twiddel turned in his seat, to see the
clergyman standing over him with a look of the keenest
inquiry in his well-favoured face.
May I ask, Dr Twiddel, what you know of the gentleman
you just named?
he said, with perfect politeness.
The conscience-smitten doctor gazed at him blankly, and the colour suddenly left his face. But Welsh’s nerves were stronger; and, as he looked hard at the stranger, a jubilant light leaped to his eyes.
It’s our man!
he cried, before his friend could gather
his wits. It’s Beveridge, or Bunker, or whatever he
calls himself! Waiter!
Instantly three waiters, all agog, hurried at his summons.
Mr Bunker regarded him with considerable surprise. He had quite expected that the pair would be thrown into confusion, but not that it would take this form.
Excuse me, sir,
he began, but Welsh interrupted him
by crying to the leading waiter—
Fetch a four-wheeled cab and a policeman, quick!
As the man hesitated, he added, This man here is an
escaped lunatic.
The waiter was starting for the door, when Mr Bunker stepped out quickly and interrupted him.
Stop one minute, waiter,
he said, with a quiet, unruffled
Do I
look like a lunatic? Kindly call the proprietor first.
The stout proprietor was already on his way to their table, and the one or two other diners were beginning to gather round. Mr Bunker’s manner had impressed even Welsh, and after his nature he took refuge in bluster.
I say, my man,
he cried, this won’t pass. Somebody
fetch a cab.
Vat is dees about?
asked the proprietor, coming up.
Your wine, I’m afraid, has been rather too powerful
for this gentleman,
Mr Bunker explained, with a smile.
Look here,
blustered Welsh, do you know you’ve
got a lunatic in the room?
You can perhaps guess it,
smiled Mr Bunker, indicating
Welsh with his eyes.
The waiters began to twitter, and Welsh, with an effort, pulled himself together.
My friend here,
he said, is Dr Twiddel, a well-known
practitioner in London. He can tell you that he
certified this man as a lunatic, and that he afterwards
escaped from his asylum. That is so, Twiddel?
Yes,
assented Twiddel, whose colour was beginning
to come back a little.
Who are you, sare?
asked the proprietor.
Show him your card, Twiddel,
said Welsh, producing
his own and handing it over.
The proprietor looked at both cards, and then turned to Mr Bunker.
And who are you, sare?
My name is Mandell-Essington.
His name&qdash;
began Welsh.
Have you a card?
interposed the proprietor.
I am sorry I have not,
replied Mr Bunker (to still
call him by the name of his choice).
His name is Francis Beveridge,
said Welsh.
I beg your pardon; it is Mandell-Essington.
Any other description?
Welsh asked, with a sneer.
A gentleman, I believe.
No other occupation?
Not unless you can call a justice of the peace such,
replied Mr Bunker, with a smile.
And yet he disguises himself as a clergyman!
exclaimed
Welsh, triumphantly, turning to the proprietor.
Mr Bunker saw that he was caught, but he merely
laughed, and observed, My friend here disguises himself
in liquor, a much less respectable cloak.
Unfortunately the humour of this remark was somewhat thrown away on his present audience; indeed, coming from a professed clergyman, it produced an unfavourable impression.
You are not a clergyman?
said the proprietor, suspiciously.
I am glad to say I am not,
replied Mr Bunker,
frankly.
Den vat do you do in dis dress?
I put it on as a compliment to the cloth; I retain it at
present for decency,
said Mr Bunker, whose tongue had
now got a fair start of him.
Mad,
remarked Welsh, confidentially, shrugging his
shoulders with really excellent dramatic effect.
By this time the audience were disposed to agree with him.
You can give no better account of yourself dan dis?
asked the proprietor.
I am anxious to,
replied Mr Bunker, but a public
restaurant is not the place in which I choose to give it.
Fetch the cab and the policeman,
said Welsh to a
waiter.
At this moment another gentleman entered the room,
and at the sight of him Mr Bunker’s face brightened,
and he stopped the waiter by a cry of, Wait one moment;
here comes a gentleman who knows me.
Everybody turned, and beheld a burly, very fashionably dressed young man, with a fair moustache and a cheerful countenance.
Ach, Bonker!
he cried.
This confirmation of Mr Bunker’s
aliases ought, one
would expect, to have delighted the two conspirators, but,
instead, it produced the most remarkable effect. Twiddel
utterly collapsed, while even Welsh’s impudence at
last deserted him. Neither said a word as the Baron von
Blitzenberg greeted his friend with affectionate heartiness.
My friend, zis is good for ze heart! Bot, how? vat
makes it here?
My dear Baron, the most unfortunate mistake has
occurred. Two men here&qdash;
But at this moment he
stopped in great surprise, for the Baron was staring hard
first at Welsh and then at Twiddel.
Ah!
he exclaimed, Mr Mandell-Essington, I zink?
Welsh hesitated for an instant, and his hesitation was
evident to all. Then he replied, No, you are mistaken.
Surely I cannot be; you did stay in Fogelschloss?
said the Baron. Is not zis Dr Twiddel?
No—er—ah—yes,
stammered Twiddel, looking feebly
at Welsh.
The Baron looked from the one to the other in great
perplexity, when Mr Bunker, who had been much puzzled
by this conversation, broke in, Did you call that person
Mandell-Essington?
I cairtainly zought it vas.
Where did you meet him?
In Bavaria, at my own castle.
You are mistaken, sir,
said Welsh.
One moment, Mr Welsh,
said Mr Bunker. How
long ago was this, Baron?
Jost before I gom to London. He travelled viz zis
ozzer gentleman, Dr Twiddel.
You are wrong, sir,
persisted Welsh.
For his health,
added the Baron.
A light began to dawn on Mr Bunker.
His health?
he cried, and then smiled politely at
Welsh.
We will talk this over, Mr Welsh.
I am sorry I happen to be going,
said Welsh, taking
his hat and coat.
What, without your lunatic?
asked Mr Bunker.
That is Dr Twiddel’s affair, not mine. Kindly let me
pass, sir.
No, Mr Welsh; if you go now, it will be in the company
There was such an unmistakable threat in Mr Bunker’s
voice and eye that Welsh hesitated. We will talk it over,
Mr Welsh,
Mr Bunker repeated distinctly. Kindly sit
down. I have several things to ask you and your friend
Dr Twiddel.
Muttering something under his breath, Welsh hung up
his coat and hat, sat down, and then assuming an air of
great impudence, remarked, Fire away, Mr
Mandell-Essington—Beveridge—Bunker,
or whatever you call yourself.
Without paying the slightest attention to this piece of
humour, Mr Bunker turned to the bewildered proprietor,
and, to the intense disappointment of the audience, said,
You can leave us now, thank you; our talk is likely to be
of a somewhat private nature.
As their gallery withdrew,
he drew up a chair for the Baron, and all four sat
round the small table.
Now,
said Mr Bunker to Welsh, you will perhaps
be kind enough to give me a precise account of your
doings since the middle of November.
I’m d&qdash;d if I do,
replied Welsh.
Sare,
interposed the Baron in his stateliest manner,
I know not now who you may be, but I see you are no
gentleman. Ven you are viz gentlemen—and noblemen—you
vill please to speak respectfully.
The stare that Welsh attempted in reply was somewhat ineffective.
Perhaps, Dr Twiddel, you can give the account I
want?
said Mr Bunker.
The poor doctor looked at his friend, hesitated, and
finally stammered out, I—I don’t see why.
Mr Bunker pulled a paper out of his pocket and showed it to him.
Perhaps this may suggest a why.
When the doctor saw the bill for Mr Beveridge’s linen, the last of his courage ebbed away. He glanced helplessly at Welsh, but his ally was now leaning back in his chair with such an irritating assumption of indifference, and the prospective fee had so obviously vanished, that he was suddenly seized with the most virtuous resolutions.
What do you want to know, sir?
he asked.
In the first place, how did you come to have anything
to do with me?
Welsh, whose sharp wits instantly divined the weak
point in the attack, cut in quickly, Don’t tell him if he
doesn’t know already!
But Twiddel’s relapse to virtue was complete. I was
asked to take charge of you while&qdash;
He hesitated.
While I was unwell,
smiled Mr Bunker. Yes?
I was to travel with you.
Ah!
But I—I didn’t like the idea, you see; and so—in
fact—Welsh suggested that I should take him instead.
While you locked me up in Clankwood?
Yes.
Ha, ha, ha!
laughed Mr Bunker, I must say it was
a devilish humorous idea.
At this Twiddel began to take heart again.
I am very sorry, sir, for&qdash;
he began, when the
Baron interrupted excitedly.
Zen vat is your name, Bonker?
I am Mr
Mandell-Essington, Baron.
The Baron looked at the other two in turn with wide-open eyes.
Then he turned indignantly upon Welsh.
You were impostor zen, sare? You gom to my house
and call yourself a gentleman, and impose upon me, and
tell of your family and your estates. You, a low—er—er—vat
you say?—a low
cad!
Bonker, I cannot sit at ze same table viz zese persons!
He rose as he spoke.
One moment, Baron! Before we send these gentlemen
back to their really promising career of fraud, I want
to ask one or two more questions.
He turned to Twiddel.
What were you to be paid for this?
£500.
Mr Bunker opened his eyes. That’s the way my
money goes? From your anxiety to recapture me, I
presume you have not yet been paid?
No, I assure you, Mr Essington,
said Twiddel,
eagerly; I give you my word.
I shall judge by the circumstances rather than your
word, sir. It is perhaps unnecessary to inform you that
you have had your trouble for nothing.
He looked at
them both as though they were curious animals, and
then continued: You, Mr Welsh, are a really wonderfully
typical rascal. I am glad to have met you. You
can now put on your coat and go.
As Welsh still sat
At
once, sir! or you may possibly
find policemen and four-wheeled cabs outside. I have
something else to say to Dr Twiddel.
With the best air he could muster, Welsh silently cocked his hat on the side of his head, threw his coat over his arm, and was walking out, when a watchful waiter intercepted him.
Your bill, sare.
My friend is paying.
No, Mr Welsh,
cried the real Essington; I think
you had better pay for this dinner yourself.
Welsh saw the vigilant proprietor already coming towards him, and with a look that augured ill for Twiddel when they were alone, he put his hand in his pocket.
Ha, ha!
laughed Essington, the inevitable bill!
And now,
he continued, turning to Twiddel, you,
doctor, seem to me a most unfortunately constructed
biped; your nose is just long enough to enable you to be
led into a singularly original adventure, and your brains
just too few to carry it through creditably. Hang me if I
wouldn’t have made a better job of the business! But
before you disappear from the company of gentlemen I
must ask you to do one favour for me. First thing to-morrow
morning you will go down to Clankwood, tell
what lie you please, and obtain my legal discharge, or
whatever it’s called. After that you may go to the devil—or,
what comes much to the same thing, to Mr Welsh—for
all I care. You will do this without fail?
Ye—es,
stammered Twiddel, certainly, sir.
You may now retire—and the faster the better.
As the crestfallen doctor followed his ally out of the
restaurant, the Baron exclaimed in disgust, Ze cads!
You are too merciful. You should punish.
My dear Baron, after all I am obliged to these rascals
for the most amusing time I have ever had in my life, and
one of the best friends I’ve ever made.
Ach, Bonker! Bot vat do I say? You are not Bonker
no more, and yet may I call you so, jost for ze sake of
pleasant times? It vill be too hard to change.
I’d rather you would, Baron. It will be a perpetual
in memoriam record of my departed virtues.
Departed, Bonker?
Departed, Baron,
his friend repeated with a sigh;
for how can I ever hope to have so spacious a field for
them again? Believe me, they will wither in an atmosphere
of orthodoxy. And now let us order dinner.
But first,
said the Baron, blushing, I haf a piece of
news.
Baron, I guess it!
Ze Lady Alicia is now mine! Congratulate!
With all my heart, Baron! What could be a fitter
finish than the detection of villainy, the marriage of all
the sane people, and the apotheosis of the lunatic?