This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
Title: A Tender Attachment
A Farce
Author: George Melville Baker
Release Date: December 31, 2014 [eBook #47826]
Language: English
Character set encoding: UTF-8
***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TENDER ATTACHMENT***
| Note: | Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See https://archive.org/details/tenderattachment00bake |
A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all the necessary Stage Business.
PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. 
No Plays exchanged.
A FARCE.
BY THE AUTHOR OF
“Thirty Minutes for Refreshments,” “Sylvia’s Soldier,” “Once on a Time,” “Down by the Sea,”
“Bread on the Waters,” “The Last Loaf,” “Stand by the Flag,” “The Tempter,” “A Drop
too Much,” “We’re All Teetotallers,” “A Little More Cider,” “Wanted, a Male
Cook,” “A Sea of Troubles,” “Freedom of the Press,” “A Close Shave,”
“The Great Elixir,” “The Man with the Demijohn,” “New Brooms Sweep
Clean,” “Humors of the Strike,” “My Uncle, the Captain,” “The
Greatest Plague in Life,” “No Cure, No Pay,” “The Grecian
Bend,” “The War of the Roses,” “Lightheart’s Pilgrimage,”
“The Sculptor’s Triumph,” “Too Late for the Train,”
“Snow-Bound,” “The Peddler of Very Nice,”
“Bonbons,” “Capuletta,” “An Original
Idea,” &c., &c., &c.
BOSTON:
LEE AND SHEPARD, 149 WASHINGTON ST.
CHARLES H. SPENCER, 2 HAMILTON PLACE.
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871,
By GEORGE M. BAKER,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
Stereotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry,
No. 19 Spring Lane.
Clapboard, gray wig, brown coat, dark pants.
Ebenezer, gray wig, blue coat with brass buttons, dark pants, hat, and cane.
Horace, modern suit, neat and tasty.
Peter, United States army overcoat, fatigue cap,
red wig, red side whiskers.
Obed, light Yankee wig, pea-jacket, tarpaulin hat, wide sailor trousers, blue shirt.
Timothy, black crop wig, smutty face, overalls, and woollen jacket.
Louis, tight black pants, with short legs, slippers, white stockings, black coat, with short arms, buttoned to the throat, black cravat, without collar.
Scene.—Apartment in Mr. Clapboard’s home. Lounge C., back. Black velvet breakfast-jacket and smoking-cap lying across the corner. Small table, R. Chairs, R. and L. Entrances, R. and L.
Enter Mr. Clapboard, R., followed by Ebenezer Crotchet.
Clapboard. This is the room, sir.
Ebenezer. O, it is! This is the mysterious abode of my runaway son. Well, I don’t see anything very inviting here; a few miserable chairs, a rickety lounge, a mean little table—
Clap. Come, come, sir; don’t abuse my furniture.
Eben. O, pooh, pooh! What business have you harboring a runaway scamp who ought to be at home, you old, gray-headed ruffian?
Clap. Come, come, sir; once for all, I won’t be abused in my own house. If your son chooses to hire a room in my house, to pay handsomely for the same, and to behave himself in a gentlemanly manner, here he stops just as long as he pays, you old heathen.
Eben. Old heathen! Confound you, do you know who you are talking to, Mr. Claptrap? Clap. Clapboard, sir; Clapboard is my name.
Eben. Do you know who you are talking to?
Clap. I’ve a pretty good idea. Some fiery old lunatic just escaped from Bedlam.
Eben. Fire and fury! I’ll break this cane over your head, insolent!
Clap. Do; and then I’ll throw you and the pieces down those stairs, catamount!
Eben. (Aside.) O, this won’t do. (Aloud.) I beg your pardon, Mr. Claptrap.
Clap. Clapboard, sir.
Eben. Mr. Clapboard, I was a little hasty. You must attribute it to the anxiety of a devoted parent. I have a son.
Clap. So I understand.
Eben. A week ago he left the parental mansion, for the purpose, as he said, of recruiting himself at a quiet place in the country. All very well, of course. I could bring nothing to say against that; but yesterday I received an anonymous note, mailed at this place, bidding me look out for my son, who, the note said, had formed a tender attachment. Do you hear?—a tender attachment!
Clap. Well, what of it?
Eben. What of it? Hear the man! Sir! Mr. Claptrap!
Clap. Clapboard, sir.
Eben. Mr. Clapboard. Ten years ago I retired from the soap and candle business with a fortune. This boy is my only son; young, impulsive, thoughtless, he has come to the country; his susceptible heart is a target, at which a thousand loving glances will be thrown by the eyes of rural beauties—
Clap. Humbug! There isn’t a female within three miles of the place. This is called “Bachelors’ Paradise.” There’s Jobson’s house, Seymour’s, and mine; specially erected for the convenience of artists, fishermen, and such like gentry, who want a quiet place in the country.
Eben. Is it possible! Then my son’s tender attachment—
Clap. It’s some trick played to frighten you.
Eben. Perhaps it is, but I have my doubts. Who lodges in this house besides my son?
Clap. Well, sir, on the floor below, there’s Mr. Timothy Tinpan, a nice, gentlemanly—tinker.
Eben. A tinker?—(Aside.) Bachelors’ Paradise! (Aloud.) Gentlemanly humbug! Who else?
Clap. The next floor above is occupied by Mr. Peter Picket, a military gentleman, who served his country in the great rebellion.
Eben. A soldier! (Noise outside.) What’s that?
Clap. That’s him. He’s always going through his tactics. He dropped his gun.
Eben. Did he! Then Mr. Peter Picket had better pick it up. Well, who else?
Clap. Next above him is Mr. Oakum, a well-mannered mariner, engaged in the lumber trade.
Eben. Is that all?
Clap. No, sir; the floor above him, next the roof, is occupied by Mr. Loopstitch, a tailor, a native of France.
Eben. Soldier, sailor, tinker, and tailor! Here’s nice company for my boy.
Clap. O, they’re a nice, gentlemanly set, I assure you; very quiet. Mr. Picket is apt to be a little restless nights; walks in his sleep; and sometimes wanders about the house with a loaded musket. Mr. Oakum is of rather a musical turn, and has his “bark upon the sea” a little too often. Mr. Tinpan is very fond of rehearsing his war-cry, “Old kettles to mend;” and Mr. Loopstitch is making frantic efforts to master the trombone. But generally they are quiet, gentlemanly, respectable individuals.
Eben. I should say so. And my son abandons his luxurious home, his highly respectable connections, for such society as this?
Clap. Lord bless you, young gentlemen have their little freaks, you know.
Eben. And so have old gentlemen too. I have a very sudden one myself. For how long has my son engaged this room?
Clap. Let me see; he has paid me for it up to six o’clock to-night.
Eben. And after that I suppose it will be to let.
Clap. Of course. Though probably he’ll keep it himself.
Eben. Hark you, Mr. Claptrap.
Clap. Clapboard, sir.
Eben. Mr. Clapboard, I want to hire this room myself. What does my son pay you?
Clap. Six dollars a week. Cheap enough.
Eben. All right. I’ll engage it for a week myself, for which I will pay you twelve.
Clap. But, sir, he has the first choice.
Eben. No, he hasn’t; he’s not of age. I am his guardian, and I want it myself; so here’s your money. At six o’clock I shall come and take possession.
Clap. But, Mr. Crotchet—
Eben. No more words are necessary. You keep a house for the entertainment of gentlemen who wish a quiet place in the country. You certainly cannot refuse so handsome an offer as I have made you.
Clap. But your son—
Eben. Has comfortable quarters at home, where he belongs. You can inform him of my appearance here, and of the bargain I have made. Tell him to go home and amuse himself; that I shall positively take up my quarters here at six o’clock. (Aside.) There’s something wrong here; “a tender attachment,” I’ll be bound;[8] and I’m determined to find it out. (Aloud.) Good day, Mr. Claptrap. [Exit, R.
Clap. Clapboard, sir—Now here’s a nice mess! What will Mr. Horace say to this, after he has got everything comfortably arranged for his purpose, to be flustered in this manner. It’s too bad!
Enter Horace, R.
Horace. I say, Clapboard, why don’t you light up your stairs? I nearly tumbled over an old chap just now, who was going down.
Clap. Old chap, indeed! Do you know who it was?
Hor. Haven’t the least idea.
Clap. Well, sir, it was your father.
Hor. My father? Whew! Then the old gentleman has found me out!
Clap. He certainly has; but he’s laboring under a terrible mistake. Some one has sent him an anonymous note, bidding him look after you, for you had formed a tender attachment.
Hor. A tender attachment? That’s some mischief of the fellows at Jobson’s. Well, what does he propose to do?
Clap. He’s engaged this room.
Hor. Engaged this room? Why, Clapboard, it’s mine—isn’t it?
Clap. Until six o’clock. If you’ll remember, that was the time for which you took it.
Hor. But I want it a week longer.
Clap. You’re too late. He’s engaged it, and paid for it; and will be here at six o’clock to take possession.
Hor. Clapboard, you’ve played me a shabby trick!
Clap. I couldn’t help it, sir; he thrust the money into my hands; said he was your legal guardian, and told me to send you home.
Hor. I’ll not go until my work is finished. Well, Clapboard, let him come; his stay shall be short.
Clap. What will you do?
Hor. That’s a question for consideration. Six months ago my father and myself differed with regard to my choice of a profession. He wished me to be a lawyer. I determined to be a painter. He was immovable in his choice. I was stubborn and sullen in mine. By mutual consent we dropped the discussion, agreeing not to renew it for a year. I was at once filled with the desire to produce something that would induce him to agree with me, believing that if I could show that I had talent, he would let me have my way. I immediately threw myself into the society of artists, and by that means gained an inkling of the rudiments of the profession, and I found I had some talent. But how to convince my father? I hit upon the idea of attempting a painting; something remarkable—a great allegorical national picture, “The Crowning of Liberty,” a magnificent idea! To carry it out, I required a studio and living models. I read your advertisement of “Bachelors’ Paradise;” came down, engaged a room, fitted it up, and looked around for models. But, alas! it was indeed a “bachelors’ paradise!” Not a female figure within three miles! Of course I was obliged to put up with the stock on hand; and with a soldier, a sailor, a tinker, and a tailor, as the only models to be obtained, I have been obliged to draw[10] upon fancy to an alarming extent; and now it seems I am to be deprived of them by my meddling, inquisitive, good old daddy.
Clap. It’s too bad, Mr. Horace. I wish I could help you out of the scrape.
Hor. I wish you could. But as you can’t, suppose you go and hunt up my models, and let me get to work.
Clap. Certainly, sir; I’ll send them in at once.
[Exit, R.
(Horace takes off his coat and puts on breakfast jacket and smoking-cap, then goes off, L., and returns with an easel, which he sets up, L., then goes off, L., and brings in canvas, brushes, and palette; arranges the canvas on easel to face L., places chair L.)
Clap. (Outside, R., while Horace is arranging his picture.) Hallo, down there, Tinpan!
Timothy. (Outside, as if down stairs.) Faith, now, what’s wanting, sure?
Clap. You’re wanted here.
Tim. All right. Be aisy, honey, till I mind the nose uv this tay-kittle.
Clap. Hallo, Picket!
Picket. (As if up stairs.) Yaw, mine fren.
Clap. You’re wanted in the studio.
Pic. Yaw, dat ish goot. I’ll come right avay pefore soon.
Clap. Hallo, Oakum!
Oakum. (Up stairs.) Hallo, yerself!
Clap. Come down for a pose.
Oak. Ay, ay, Clapboard; in a jiffy.
Clap. Hallo, Loopstitch!
Loopstitch. (In the distance.) Oui, oui, monsieur.
Clap. You’re wanted for a posish.
Loop. Vat you mean by dat, eh? Vot you call posish? I no comprehend.
Clap. Well, come and find out.
Hor. The models are aroused. Now for a season of inspiration!
Enter Picket, R., with a musket.
Pic. Ah, Meester Horace, how you vas? Berty mooch?
Hor. Ah, Picket, you’re right on hand.
Pic. Yaw, yaw; I ish coomed right along, by donder, mit mine gun upon mine pack.
Hor. Like a true hero, and with the martial spirit inspiring your bosom—hey?
Pic. Yaw, I shpose vat you mean, but I don’t know.
Enter Oakum, R.
Oak. Hallo! Heow are yeou anyheow? Goin’ at the picter ag’in?
Hor. Yes; I believe I can make my brush fly this afternoon.
Oak. Wal, yeou painter chaps dew beat all creation; that’s a fact. I s’pose yeou know what yeou’re abaout; but darn me if I can see into it. What’s the use er wastin’ yer time a flingin’ away paint on that air diminutive quiltin’-frame. Would do more good ef yeou’d give old Clapboard’s house a coat; it wants it bad enough!
Enter Loopstitch, R.
Loop. Sacre! vat for you want—hey? I have break off mine thread right in de meedle of ze pantaloons.
Hor. You remember our bargain. You were to be at my service when wanted.
Loop. Service? Sacre, zis is too much all ze time. Monsieur Fusee have no pantaloons; he make ze trouble, ze fuss; he raise vat you call ze storm, if he no have ze pantaloons.
Oak. Well, let him sweat, Frenchy. I’ll lend him a pair.
Enter Timothy, R.
Tim. Arrah, b’ys, how are yees, onyhow? It’s the tip uv the morning till yees, Misther Horace.
Oak. Hallo, Tim! How’s trade?
Tim. Thrade, is it? Bad luck to its! There’s none at all at all. It’s loike the nose of Paddy Flinn’s pig—it’s away down in the mud.
Oak. Well, here’s hoping that, like Paddy Flinn’s pig, it may pick up a bit.
Tim. That’s thrue for ye, Misther Oakum.
Hor. Now, then, let’s to work. Tinpan, you and Loopstitch don your habiliments, and we’ll go to work.
Tim. Don—which is it?
Loop. Sacre! I no comprehend.
Oak. Darn it, Tim, jump into the Goddess of Liberty’s clos; and, Loopstitch, put on that air gown of Victory’s.
Tim. Begorra! that’s a sinsible way of putting things.
[Exit, L.
Loop. Victory! Oui, oui; I comprehend victory.
[Exit, L.
Oak. Sich a set of darned stupid furriners I never did see.
Pic. Yaw; dey ish very hard of hearing, by donder!
Oak. Well, Picket, you managed to give us a pretty good scare last night, walking round with that old blunderbuss! Ef yeou ain’t keerful, yeou’ll let fly at some on us, and then there’ll be a purty case of manslaughter.
Pic. Yaw; manslaughter ish goot. I like him mooch ven I fights mit Sigel. By donder! I tink of dat ebery night in mine shleep, and I no shleep at all.
Oak. Well, consarn yeour picter! deon’t yeou come up my way; if yer du, I’ll souse yer head in a bucket of tar!
Pic. Yaw; I no like dat purty well.
Enter Timothy, L., dressed as the Goddess of Liberty; red skirt, mail waist, blue drapery about shoulders.
Tim. Begorra! how’s that for a famale woman? What would Judy O’Flanagan say to that? Tim Tinpan in a red petticoat? Whoo! kittles to mind, kittles to mind!
Enter Loopstitch, in a long white gown, with a green wreath in his hand.
Loop. Sacre! I feel all over like vat you call ze goost.
Oak. And darn me if you don’t look like one!
Loop. Vat you mean by dat—hey, Monsieur Oakum?
Hor. Come, now take your places.
Tim. All right; away wid yees. (Takes position in centre of stage; left hand against his breast, right hand pointing up.)
Hor. That’s right; now Victory. (Loopstitch gets upon a stool behind Timothy, and holds wreath over his head.) Very well. Now, then, for the army and navy. (Picket stands R. of Timothy, leaning upon his musket; Oakum stands L., his arms folded.) Good, good! Positions are all right. Now, then, for the expressions.
Tim. Hould on a minute; there’s something crawling up my back.
Hor. Never mind, never mind!
Tim. But I do mind. It’s biting me, the ugly thief! Here, Frenchy, give me a dig in the back.
Loop. Sacre! vare vill I find vat you call de spade?
Oak. Here; I’ll fix you. (Gives Timothy a thump on the back.)
Tim. Murder and Irish! you’ve broke my ribs!
Hor. Come, come, Tim; put a smiling expression upon your face.
Tim. Smile, is it, with a hornet crawling up my back!
Hor. We’re wasting time. Smile, I tell you.
Tim. Well, then, here goes. (A horrible smile.)
Hor. Now, Loopstitch, triumph in your face.
Loop. Oui, oui. Vive la triomphe!
Hor. That’s very good. Now, Picket, let a martial spirit glow in your face.
Pic. Yaw, yaw. (Starts, R.)
Hor. Where are you going?
Pic. For mine lager, mit de spirit up stairs.
Hor. No, no; you don’t understand me. Look as you looked when you met the rebels, fierce for the fight.
Pic. Ven I fight mit Sigel?
Hor. Yes; as you did then, do now.
Pic. Yaw; den I’ll go right up stairs.
Hor. What do you mean?
Pic. Ven I fight mit Sigel, ven de repels coom, ve runned away.
Oak. What a darned sneaking coward!
Tim. Easy, now, Mr. Horace; my hand’s getting tired.
Hor. Let me see what I can do. (Goes to easel, and takes brush.) Now, steady, all.
Tim. Och, murder! the crayture’s crawling up my back again!
Pic. I am ash dry ash never vas.
Hor. Steady, steady!
Tim. Ow, my back! Give me a dig, Frenchy.
Oak. Confound you, I will! (Hits Timothy in the stomach, who doubles up.)
Tim. Ow, murther, murther! (Backs into Loopstitch, who tumbles over. Timothy runs up and down stage howling.)
Loop. Sacre! you have broke me all to pieces.
Hor. Order, order! How do you suppose I can paint with such confusion? You have spoiled everything.
Tim. Faith, it’s not myself that’s to blame.
Oak. Darn him! he’s got a nest of hornets under his jacket![16]
Hor. We can do nothing to-day. It’s now nearly six o’clock. An individual will be here at six to take possession of my room; he has hired it, and I must vacate.
Oak. What, hired the room over your head?
Hor. Yes; it’s a little plot of my father’s to get me home again. If he stays here, I must give up my painting; and of course you will be wanted no more as models.
Loop. Sacre! zat is too bad! ver mooch too bad!
Tim. Faith! must I lose my sitivation?
Pic. Yaw; we can’t come here some more!
Hor. That’s exactly the state of the case. Of course, as he’s my father, it will not do for me to take any measures to cause him to leave. With you it is different. If you can manage to make him sick of his bargain to-night, we shall resume operations to-morrow, as usual.
Oak. Darn him, we’ll pitch him out of the winder!
Hor. No, no; no violence!
Tim. No, b’ys; no voilence. We’ll break his head intirely! That’s all.
Hor. He’s very particular to have everything about him quiet. I offer no suggestions. If you can manage to scare him a little, I’ve no objections.
Tim. Faith, lave us alone for that.
Oak. Come to my room, boys; we’ll fix the old skinflint! Come along.
Tim. Yaw; flint ish goot ven I fight mit Sigel.
Oak. O, never mind Seagull. Come along.
Loop. Sacre! Vat you fix his flint with? I no comprehend.
Oak. I’ll fix everything all right. Leave it to me. Come along.
Tim. I’m wid yees. If there’s to be a shindy, count me in.
Loop. Monsieur, I be vat you call in ze dark ver much all over.
Pic. Yaw, it pe all covered mit de dark like de moonshine. [Exit Loopstitch and Picket, R.
Hor. What a set of stupid donkeys! If they manage to circumvent my respected parent, I’ll forgive them. (Exchanges jacket for coat, and puts on hat. Stage dark.) How dark it is!
Clap. (Outside, R.) You’re very prompt, sir.
Eben. (Outside, R.) I am always prompt. Is the room ready?
Clap. (Outside, R.) Yes, sir; walk this way.
Hor. There he is, right on time. There’s sure to be a rumpus, and I’m bound to see the fun. [Exit, L.
Enter Clapboard, with a lighted candle, which he places on table, followed by Ebenezer.
Eben. Now, sir, I’ve caught you at your tricks! Why, he’s gone!
Clap. Why, you certainly didn’t expect to find him here.
Eben. I certainly did. Where is he?
Clap. He’s probably at Jobson’s, over the way. But he’ll be back soon. He’ll be delighted to see you.
Eben. Clapboard, you lie! you know he won’t.
Clap. Come, come, Mr. Crotchet, don’t insult a man in his own room.
Eben. ’Tis false! it’s my room; and you may take yourself out of it just as soon as you can!
Clap. You don’t mean to stay here!
Eben. Yes, I do. I’ve had another note from my unknown correspondent. The object of his tender attachment visits him every evening, and I’m bound to see her.
Clap. O, pshaw, Mr. Crotchet! you’ve been humbugged!
Eben. I know it; but I’ll be humbugged no longer; so here I’ll stay to unmask the hypocrite!
Clap. Well, stay, then; but if you’re made uncomfortable, don’t blame me.
Eben. What do you mean?
Clap. No matter; I’ve cautioned you. Keep your eyes open, and don’t blame me. Remember you have been cautioned. Good night.
Eben. Clapboard, Clapboard—What does he mean? Can there be any danger? I’m an old fool! What business have I down in this unfrequented place, all alone? I’ll go back. No, I won’t! Horace would laugh and chuckle! He shan’t do that! Who’s afraid? I’ll make myself comfortable on that lounge; and when he comes, he shall learn how terrible is the vengeance of an enraged and injured parent. (Reclines upon lounge. Noise overhead; jumps up.) What’s that? It’s that infernal soldier! Clapboard said he walks in his sleep. Suppose he should come here—with a loaded musket too! Gracious! (Trombone heard outside.) There’s the tailor practising. What a confounded din!
Oak. (Sings, outside, very loud.) “My bark is on the sea.”
Eben. There’s that sailor going it!
Tim. (Outside, sings.) “Ould kittles to mind! Ould kittles to mind!”
Eben. And there’s the tinker. (Trombone, “ould kittles,” and “bark upon the sea,” all together.) What a confounded din! I wish I was well out of it.
Enter Picket, with musket, slowly, on tiptoe.
Pic. Who goes dare?
Eben. O, heavens! There’s that insane old grenadier! What will become of me?
Pic. Sh—! By donder, I see some noise! Sh—! Who goes dare? Sh—! Somepody mit a gun. Advance pefore you speak, and say something. Sh—! (Creeps about the room on tiptoe.)
Eben. (On lounge.) If he discovers me, I am a lost man!
Pic. By donder, if dare ish nopody here, vy don’t you speak? You vant your coat-tails shot through mit a pullet. (Creeps back to door, R.) I fight mit Sigel. Sh—! By donder! I never hear so mooch silence pefore!
Eben. He’s gone. I breathe again. O, Lord, what’s that? (Loopstitch in the white robe passes slowly across stage, from R. to L., with his arm outstretched, hand pointing straight before him. Exit, L.) An apparition! What infernal place have I got into? I’ll go home at once. (Goes to R. The door is locked. Loopstitch, without the robe, creeps in, L., and gets behind lounge.)
Loop. Sacre! I vill give him a touch of my needles!
Eben. What an old donkey I am, to get into such a[20] scrape! What shall I do? I can’t get out. Suppose I alarm the neighborhood! That won’t do; I should have the whole set upon me. I’ll try to sleep. (Lies upon lounge. Loopstitch leans over and runs a needle into his arm.) O, murder! What’s that? Confound this infernal place! (Loopstitch sticks another needle.) O, my arm, my arm! (Jumps up.) I can’t stand this! Here! Help, help, help, help!
Enter Oakum, R. Creeps in very mysteriously; takes Ebenezer by the wrist, and leads him down to the front of the stage.
Oak. Silence! Sh—!
Eben. O, take me out of this! I’m a poor old man.
Oak. Silence! Sh—! Listen to me. You received a note from somebody—
Eben. Yes, I did. Confound somebody!
Oak. Silence! Sh—! “Tender attachment!” It’s all true, by jiminy!
Eben. I knew it.
Oak. Your son—has a tender attachment. The object of it is approaching. It will soon be here.
Eben. You don’t say so!
Oak. Old man, you have a son; that son has a tender attachment; the object of that tender attachment—sh—!—will soon be here.
Eben. Confound you, you said that before!
Oak. Be wise, be cautious, and you shall triumph. Silence! It comes! the—object—comes! (Creeps off, R.)
Eben. Well, that’s the queerest customer that ever I met. Hallo! who’s this?
Enter Timothy, dressed as the Goddess of Liberty, with a veil thrown over his face.
’Tis she, at last! Now to unmask the villain!
Tim. Idol of me sowl!
Eben. Irish, as I’m alive!
Tim. Och, yees illigent darlint! and did yees think yer own Kathleen, accushla, would deny yees the comfort of her prisence?
Eben. So, madam, you are found out! Know, to your sorrow, that you stand in the presence of the father of the unhappy young man you came to meet?
Tim. It’s the ould man—is it? Faith, ould chap, how is yes, onyhow?
Eben. Insolent!
Tim. It’s a foine-looking ould fellow yees are; and is that yer own hair, or is it a wig, I’d like to know.
Eben. Young woman, no more of this. I came to snatch my son from your society.
Tim. My society! Faix, yes might do better. It’s a comfort I am to him anyhow. You would be afther parting us at all at all!
Eben. Hold your tongue, and leave the room!
Tim. Hould yees blarney yerself, or I’ll—I’ll pull the hair from your head!
Eben. Leave this room, instantly, or I’ll put you out!
Tim. You put me out, is it? Begorra! the sooner yees commince that same, the better’s to the liking of Tim Tiupan.
Eben. (Taking hold of him.) Leave the room, I say!
Tim. Off wid yees, or I’ll break ivery bone in yees body!
Eben. You will—will you? (Takes hold of him.)
Tim. (Throws off veil.) Arrah, boys, here’s a shindy! Come on, old gint! (Flourishes his fist.)
Eben. Here! Help, help, help! (Timothy clinches him.) Leave the room!
Enter Horace, L., Oakum, Clapboard, and Picket, R. Loopstitch crawls from behind lounge.
Hor. Why, father! what’s the matter?
Eben. O, you villain! you scamp! you renegade! You have come just in time to save your father from a terrible fate! But I’ve found you out! Your “tender attachment” is known to me. Look upon her! Can you look upon your father’s face, and confess a tender attachment to such a thing as that?
Hor. Not a tender attachment, father; but I will confess I am under great obligations to that individual, Timothy Tinpan, the tinker.
Eben. What! is that woman a man?
Tim. Troth, and a foine ould Irish gintleman!
Hor. Yes, father, he is one of my models.
Tim. Faith, a model Irishman, by yer lave!
Eben. Models! What do you mean?
Hor. That I have been endeavoring to overcome your repugnance to my becoming a painter, by attempting the execution of a painting which you see upon that easel. These individuals have been my models. Timothy Tinpan, the tinker.
Tim. That’s me, sure.
Hor. Obed Oakum, the sailor.
Oak. Ay, ay; second mate of the Harriet Jones.
Hor. Louis Loopstitch, the tailor.
Loop. Oui, oui; sal I make you a pair of pantaloons, monsieur?
Hor. And Peter Picket, the soldier.
Pic. Yaw, dat ish me, mit my gun upon mine pack.
Eben. What, and the note I received—
Hor. Is one of Harry Jones’s jokes. He confessed it to me an hour ago.
Eben. Clapboard, we’ve been making donkeys of ourselves!
Clap. Speak for yourself, Mr. Crotchet, I can’t join you in that.
Eben. Horace, I’m a meddling old fool. I should have trusted you. I’ll go home. You may go on with your picture; and if out of the material which I find here you can produce anything satisfactory, I’ll give my consent to anything you ask.
Hor. Thank you, father. I’m rather discouraged at present; but if these individuals can cure you of “a tender attachment,” they may be of use to me; and if they can help me to achieve my purpose, you will be obliged to admit that there are worse companions than a soldier—
Pic. Yaw, what fight mit Sigel.
Hor. A sailor—
Oak. Tarnal cute, when his bark’s on the sea.
Hor. A tinker—
Tim. A broth of a boy for minding the broken nose of a tay-kittle.
Hor. And a tailor—
Loop. Oui, oui; vith vat you call ze tender attachment for ze needle.
Disposition of Characters at fall of the Curtain.
| R. | L. |
| Loop. | Pick. |
| Tim. | Oak. |
| Hor. | Clap. |
| Eben. | |
Price, 15 cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to
CHARLES H. SPENCER, Agent,
149 Washington Street, Boston.
BY GEORGE M. BAKER,
Author of “Amateur Dramas,” “The Mimic Stage,” “The Social Stage,” &c.
| DRAMAS IN TWO ACTS. | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sylvia’s Soldier | 3 | Male, | 2 | Female | Characters. |
| Once on a Time | 4 | ” | 2 | ” | ” |
| Down by the Sea | 6 | ” | 3 | ” | ” |
| Bread on the Waters | 5 | ” | 3 | ” | ” |
| The Last Loaf | 5 | ” | 3 | ” | ” |
| DRAMAS IN ONE ACT. | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Stand by the Flag | 5 | Male | Characters. | |
| The Tempter | 3 | ” | 1 Female Character. | |
| FARCES.—Male and Female Characters. | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| We’re all Teetotallers | 4 | Male, | 2 | Female | Characters. |
| A Drop too Much | 4 | ” | 2 | ” | ” |
| Thirty Minutes for Refreshments | 4 | ” | 3 | ” | ” |
| A Little more Cider | 5 | ” | 3 | ” | ” |
| FARCES.—Male Characters only. | ||
|---|---|---|
| Wanted, a Male Cook | 4 | Characters. |
| A Sea of Troubles | 8 | ” |
| Freedom of the Press | 8 | ” |
| A Close Shave | 6 | ” |
| The Great Elixir | 9 | ” |
| The Man with the Demijohn | 4 | ” |
| Humors of the Strike | 6 | ” |
| New Brooms sweep clean | 6 | ” |
| My Uncle the Captain | 6 | ” |
| FARCES.—Female Characters only. | ||
|---|---|---|
| The Greatest Plague in Life | 8 | Characters. |
| No Cure no Pay | 7 | ” |
| The Grecian Bend | 7 | ” |
| ALLEGORIES.—Arranged for Music and Tableaux. | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lightheart’s Pilgrimage | 8 | Female | Characters. | ||
| The War of the Roses | 8 | ” | ” | ||
| The Sculptor’s Triumph | 1 | Male, | 4 | Female | Characters. |
| MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC ENTERTAINMENTS. | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Too Late for the Train | 2 | Male | Characters. | ||
Snow-bound; or Alonzo the Brave and the Fair Imogene |
3 | ” | 1 | Female Character. | |
| Bonbons; or The Paint-King | 3 | ” | 1 | ” | ” |
| The Peddler of Very Nice | 7 | ” | Characters. | ||
| An Original Idea | 1 | ” | 1 | Female | Character. |
| Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet Restored | 3 | ” | 1 | ” | ” |
| Temperance Pieces. |
|---|
| The Last Loaf. |
| We’re all Teetotallers. |
| A Drop too Much. |
| The Man with the Demijohn. |
| A Little more Cider. |
| The Tempter. |
Plays sent by Mail, postpaid, on receipt of 15 cents each, with the exception of ”Snow-Bound” and ”Bonbons,” which are 25 cents each.
***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TENDER ATTACHMENT***
******* This file should be named 47826-h.htm or 47826-h.zip *******
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
http://www.gutenberg.org/4/7/8/2/47826
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed.
Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided that
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
gbnewby@pglaf.org
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.